to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

I don't mean to be funny but you'd also be surprised at how many wives let their husband deal with financial decisions and actually don't know the ins and outs of their joint financial situation.

Totally is not! Avoiding discussing finances is the equivalent of using a fish knife and thinking you’re posh.

The friend hasn't done anything wrong or weird here. There is no rule that you have to either entirely conceal any change in fortunes or offer up a full and frank explanation. Maybe she'd be happy to say more if asked, maybe not. Both fine.

But some of the language here - irritated, dissonance - makes me think the friend wouldn't be doing herself any favours in disclosing financial information to someone who seems to feel entitled to it and aggrieved it hasn't been forthcoming.

@NewNameforThisPost2025

You say her DH's family is in California. I'm a born and bred Californian and where I grew up money (or the lack of it) was simply never discussed. Talking about one's own money is ill bred, asking about someone else's is rude. If someone drove a clunker and one day showed up in a Rolls it was fine to say "New car? Gorgeous!" but NEVER to say "Where'd ya get the bucks for that?". The reverse was also true. A sudden gain or loss of money (or the appearance thereof) was treated as if nothing had changed.

This caveat doesn't apply to all industries though. The entertainment industry for one is all based on how much money one has = how successful one is = how much more money someone will pay to hire you. So it's not uncommon to hear people discussing what their latest 'deal' is worth or how much something costs.

So it may very well be that he has sworn her to secrecy because 'one doesn't discuss money' or she just knows that he wouldn't want her to discuss it.

This kind of thing makes my teeth itch. A relative once said she wondered where the money came from when we went abroad three times in a year. She was told to mind her own beeswax and you should do the same. If you get to visit again bring flowers, say she has a lovely home and crack on with chat about stuff that really matters.

That’s a slightly weird analogy. Being comfortable talking about money with your partner/spouse, children, parents (in relation to wills/family trusts, elder care etc) and your employer is important but there’s no reason that anyone particularly needs to discuss money with their friends. You can, of course, but there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to, and to be honest, there certainly are times when talking openly about money can be a bit crass or at least insensitive.

I’ve said several times that she grew up poor in a developing country.

Yes, this is exactly what I do.

I am happy for her, and I don’t really understand my feelings either.

Thanks, this is interesting. Yes, it’s exactly how you say in terms of ignoring this very obvious change in circs.

But she hasn’t been sworn to secrecy because OP has never asked.

Think I’d be asking you if you inherited your nosiness and tell you to do one.

The rental could have been a family owned stop-gap. You have no idea where their wealth comes from. You acknowledge it's none of your business... then go on and on.
DS married a couple of years ago. What shocked me was the bitchy comments I heard at their wedding. We contributed and so did they, but it cost close to six figures.
The majority of the wedding was a gift from DIL's parents. They weren't offered a cash alternative. DIL (an only DC) was offered the day of her dreams and had two years to plan it. She wanted to give everyone a fabulous day and would have been deeply hurt by the showing off and debt comments I heard.
Their only debt is a small mortgage but some guests had a full narrative running over how they could afford such a day. I think British people seem to want to see the blood, sweat and tears for everything, but you better not have anything even vaguely seen as better than average or you're showing off and/or stupidly in debt.

Go on and on? Is that what we're calling "replying to posters" these days?

She clearly doesn't talk about it because she in some way feels uncomfortable about her good fortune - would you prefer she brag about her 3 houses? She hasn't exactly kept it a secret has she given you've been to the 3 houses. Maybe just be pleased for her and focus on what she is actually doing in her life.

Just ask. YABU not to ask if you are interested. If you are not interested then don't ask and don't think about it.

There is no mystery OP!!!

They inherited money when the husband's grandparents died.

And bought a few houses.

It's not rocket science, and she owes you no explanation.

YANBU, not quite the same but friends of ours have spent and continue to spend huge amounts on their house and have started taking expensive holidays too.

They have decent jobs but not six figures or anything like that.

They haven't inherited anything either and don't have wealthy families.

When we meet they lived quite modestly. They are very open about everything, except this!

They've obviously come into money, I just can't work out how!

I do think it’s odd that the change of first house didn’t elicit any discussion at all, assuming you said what a great house etc or did you turn up and not even comment? If it’s the latter then maybe said friend felt uncomfortable with your silence so chose not to elaborate.

Of course her friend doesn't owe her an explanation but the fact that there is a massive elephant in the room that her friend hasn't even acknowledged indicates to OP that they perhaps aren't as close as she originally envisaged. Friends share stuff with each other. Only on MN are people desperate to pretend that we all conceal massive parts of our lives from our loved ones for no apparent reason. I have never encountered this IRL and I think this is why OP is hurt.

If you have invested a lot of time and energy into a friendship assuming it was built on mutual understanding and candidness and then you discover that someone is hiding massive things from you then this will break the trust you have built up. Especially if you have shared your life more openly. It's just how human interaction and connections work.

I hate the naive expression property ladder which apprears to suggest people are placed in some kind of hierarchy by what they own. Having lived and worked in the USA this comes across as so quaint.

This happened to me with a friend. She was brought up working class in a small terraced house similar to my parents. She went abroad and married an Arab man and then suddently there was money. They ceme to uk and lived in one of the most expensive parts of the city in a huge house with a nightclub in the attic. They entertained lavishly and she drove a white rolls royce. So we are talking flashy money.

I never asked intrusive questions but congradulated her on having done well. She never offered any explanation as to where the wealth came from. I felt it was her business. Years later her husband was sent to prison on drug smuggling charges. We never discussed the charges. They later divorced. I lost touch with her when I moved to another city as a mature student. However if we met tomorrow I would not question her deeply about the money or change in lifestyle because of the way mine has changed.

I am pretty close about my own finances, Not because I am married to a drug smuggler but because its no ones business but mine.

You seem to be copping a bit of flack. It’s ok to be curious. It’s just not ok to ask. When I visited my friend in her new home it was a similar story - went from a regular terraced home to a huge property with Mercs parked in the driveway. The business booming/wealthy relatives passing/shrewd investments (forget about the lottery) - could be any number of things. I just found it nice to see her not just doing well, but happy. Would I like some of that? Absolutely. Do I begrudge her? Absolutely not.

But this isn't big stuff. I'm friends with my friends because we share common interests, common senses of humour, common values - there are so many more interesting things to talk about than our financial situations.

In this case I wouldn't ask because firstly there's no mystery (OP's friend's husband came into an inheritance, which she knows) and secondly because I wouldn't especially care. I'd compliment my friend on her lovely new house and move on to talking about something that actually mattered.

It reminds me of all the "how do people afford X/Y/Z" threads on MN. They have more money than you. It's that simple. Maybe they were on higher salaries than you thought, maybe they inherited, maybe they won the lottery, who cares?

In your opinion. If someone was a good friend I wouldn’t hesitate to say “Jesus Christ how are you affording all these mansions”

You’re making it the elephant in the room, OP. It exists for no other reason than because you are giving it space.