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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

332 replies

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:04

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
TinselTitts · 09/12/2025 18:37

ChristmasinBrighton · 09/12/2025 18:30

I’m going against the grain here. I am very close with my friends.

If they moved from a two bed rental to a big fancy house, with no reason cited, such as fabulous new job, sad inheritance etc, all of us, the rest of the group, would say “wow! Have you won the lottery or something!?”

Of course, if friend said “it’s personal” I wouldn’t ask again, but I would find it very odd. We do share pretty much everything though, and have done since we were children.

Of course, if friend said “it’s personal” I wouldn’t ask again

If you didn't get personal in the first place, they wouldn't have to.

It's rude to ask.

Different if they offer the information.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:39

x12 · 09/12/2025 18:32

Personally I think it’s odd to not acknowledge it, that wouldn’t be the norm in my circumstances.

GPs do earn well, maybe he’s branched out into aesthetics? They probably come from fairly comfortable backgrounds and have received a chunky inheritance.

She comes from a very poor background in a developing country and doesn't work for pay, so it's not on her side. I think he either inherited when his grandparents died or they won the lottery. Or they've suddenly started paying GPs millions!

When people found out the illness my dad had, everyone mentioned compensation to me, and I said yes, there's a court case going on. I know one dodgy person to whom I lied and said we lost the case as I didn't want her to know - she's a right con artist and asked me for seven thousand pounds when the case was in its infancy - but mostly, people do know that we won, as people with this injury always do. But they don't know how much. My point is, my circs are not this shall-not-be-named mystery to my good friends.

OP posts:
MaxandMeg · 09/12/2025 18:39

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2025 18:14

This is why as a British person I hate living here and have much preferred living abroad, where in New York people are far less interested in how you've become wealthy, and far more interested in celebrating you or just hanging out. Same in Hong Kong when i lived there, (yes outing).

In Britain, everyone who gets wealthy is viewed with suspicion as if they ripped someone off. In Britain people will wait to commiserate with you in the hope you fail to make them feel good. I can't stand it.

YABU @NewNameforThisPost2025

Really? My son in NY absolutely detests the constant talk of money and that people will ask straight out 'How much did you make last year?' Money -and your golf handicap- seem to be the only topics of conversation.

OP I can't see why you can't say 'What a lovely house' though. You don't need every last financial detail, but that might open a conversational pathway.

JLou08 · 09/12/2025 18:41

I'd just ask if it was a close friend but there's nothing off limits between me and my close friends. I know some people are very private, even with friends.

Happyjoe · 09/12/2025 18:41

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2025 18:14

This is why as a British person I hate living here and have much preferred living abroad, where in New York people are far less interested in how you've become wealthy, and far more interested in celebrating you or just hanging out. Same in Hong Kong when i lived there, (yes outing).

In Britain, everyone who gets wealthy is viewed with suspicion as if they ripped someone off. In Britain people will wait to commiserate with you in the hope you fail to make them feel good. I can't stand it.

YABU @NewNameforThisPost2025

This is so true. Brits are strange creatures, build you up but to knock you down again if do too well.

GasPanic · 09/12/2025 18:42

They could get it from anywhere. Dr's tend to run in families, and maybe she is an eternal student because she knew she was going to inherit £££££ at some point.

Or maybe they just won the lottery.

You could snoop and find out on inheritance if you wanted. But at the end of the day what does it really matter ? She has a ton of money and you are going to have to get used to that dynamic.

And no matter how wonderful a friend she is, there are clearly some things in her life that she doesn't want to tell you.

2021x · 09/12/2025 18:42

Yes I would notice, and I would ask- but I am nosey. Its not malicious or judgmental I am just interested. I would also be interested if someone got a new car, pet, etc...

slughater · 09/12/2025 18:45

I agree its totally wierd
one house maybe you'd be polite enough to ignore but 3 houses is crazy
maybe if she is from elsewhere she has taken the british rule of not mentioning money too seriously? it's the scale of it! If I had a friend where there was only 1 income in the family (even a good one) and they had 1 extravagant thing, and didn't mention how it was funded I'd just think, fair enough, maybe they saved really hard, maybe an inheritance, they don't want to mention it and nor will I.
But such huge wealth can't be ignored in any good friendship it's kind of like living a lie.

LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 18:48

I mean, it sounds like six of one and half dozen of the other. She hasn't mentioned it and neither have you. When you visited the first time why didn't you say 'oh my god, this house is amazing, how on earth did you manage that?'.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:48

ViviPru · 09/12/2025 18:14

I agree OP. It’s none of your business as you’ve acknowledged but close friends who are blatantly sitting on a big piece of information but act like it’s nothing get on my nerves too although I’d never do/say anything about it! I’m also quite open about my financial situation to close friends and appreciate when others reciprocate but recognise that’s not for everyone

Thank you! I think it's the secrecy in the face of something they have chosen not to keep secret which DOES get on my nerves! Chosen not to keep secret by getting these incredible houses, I mean. And she never says anything while they're being bought and done up - gorgeous professional interior design. We find out when she casually gives us a new address. Of course, we say how lovely it is, because it is, and we're happy for her, but I, personally, find it odd. We are good friends and we were so long before she had these houses, sos he should know that we're not friends with her because of money. I don't understand why she's created so much mystery around it, when the change is sticking out like a beacon. Why not just say "Steve inherited when his grandad died, so we're much better off than we used to be." Why create all the guesswork about something that she can't/doesn't hide? It's not like we'd stop being friends with her because they inherited, and they're making no attempt to hide it whatsoever!

OP posts:
Whatisrichandhaveiearnedit · 09/12/2025 18:48

@NewNameforThisPost2025
it’s going to be one of three things - inheritance, lottery, illegal shenanigans. Whichever it is, it doesn’t sound like they want you to know.

TheMorgenmuffel · 09/12/2025 18:48

me24x · 09/12/2025 18:30

Am I the only weirdo who would straight up ask my FRIEND how on earth did you get this amazing house ??

I doubt it. I bet loads would.

I'm on the other end though. I think if someone wants me to know something like that (their financial situation), they'll tell me.

x12 · 09/12/2025 18:48

@NewNameforThisPost2025 my GP friend who mainly does botox & filler now makes £££££. Has 2 houses but did get family help to get on the ladder young too so benefited from equity gains. She spent 300k plus last year renovating the current one.

Perhaps it is just a lotto win.

Allseeingallknowing · 09/12/2025 18:50

I’m nosey, and I would want to know!

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:50

LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 18:48

I mean, it sounds like six of one and half dozen of the other. She hasn't mentioned it and neither have you. When you visited the first time why didn't you say 'oh my god, this house is amazing, how on earth did you manage that?'.

I did say the first part, and I was thinking the last part, but felt it was just too rude to say out loud, although that's what I was thinking!

Everyone knows I inherited because my parents are dead and because of the nature of my dad's illness. There's no hiding it even if I wanted to. But all four of their parents are still alive - although, as I said, all this happened after his grandparents passed away. I don't know much about his background at all - he's originally from California, and his family are all out there.

OP posts:
KilliMonjaro · 09/12/2025 18:50

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/12/2025 18:13

Could you just ask her something along the lines of "Where did you get all your money from?" or just ask how much money she has?

Well yes she could do that. If she was a rude twat!

FloofyKat · 09/12/2025 18:51

if this had been me, and we were close friends, I’d have said something when she got the first posh place, along the lines of … goodness, your new home is absolutely lovely. You’ve made it so nice! Would have left the door open for her to have said something if she wanted to (like ... I know, we’re so lucky, DH inherited some ££ / I made a killing on the stock market etc). Now you are a couple of houses down the line, you can’t really suddenly bring it up mid-conversation.

x12 · 09/12/2025 18:52

This is why as a British person I hate living here and have much preferred living abroad, where in New York people are far less interested in how you've become wealthy, and far more interested in celebrating you or just hanging out. Same in Hong Kong when i lived there, (yes outing).

American culture is more open about money and how much you earn etc. I also think there is less of a class system eg UK wages are pretty low so often whether younger people can afford a house or not these days depends on if they have family help as opposed to salary. That’s why there is more secrecy.

ChampagneLassie · 09/12/2025 18:52

I have one friend where sort of similar where the sudden wealth seems curious. He bought a new home for double the cost of his previous home (which he’d told me was a stretch but was there forever home) and a holiday home. And they’re always on very nice holidays. And he bought a fancy car. I can guess at what’s happened, but he’s never said & I don’t feel it’s appropriate to ask. But I’m curious.

GasPanic · 09/12/2025 18:53

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:48

Thank you! I think it's the secrecy in the face of something they have chosen not to keep secret which DOES get on my nerves! Chosen not to keep secret by getting these incredible houses, I mean. And she never says anything while they're being bought and done up - gorgeous professional interior design. We find out when she casually gives us a new address. Of course, we say how lovely it is, because it is, and we're happy for her, but I, personally, find it odd. We are good friends and we were so long before she had these houses, sos he should know that we're not friends with her because of money. I don't understand why she's created so much mystery around it, when the change is sticking out like a beacon. Why not just say "Steve inherited when his grandad died, so we're much better off than we used to be." Why create all the guesswork about something that she can't/doesn't hide? It's not like we'd stop being friends with her because they inherited, and they're making no attempt to hide it whatsoever!

Show quote history

It's you that is creating all the guesswork, not them.

Some people just don't talk about such stuff and let's face it they don't owe anyone an explanation.

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it because it is his money and feels it is not her place to talk about his business. Or maybe she feels slightly embarrassed about the whole thing.

x12 · 09/12/2025 18:54

It’s weird not to talk about things with close friends though.

PandorasBox7 · 09/12/2025 18:56

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:04

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

Perhaps they have inherited money. My cousin suddenly had a new bathroom and kitchen after the death of her father. She is a recluse and didn’t tell anyone where the money had come from but it was obvious it was an inheritance.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:56

Hollowvoice · 09/12/2025 18:25

Why does she owe you an explanation on how they funded their house purchases?

My OP says the following:

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have.

My AIBU isn't "AIBU to think that my friend should have told me why she's suddenly rich", is it?

It's "AIBU to feel weird about it?"

Reading comprehension is a wonderful thing!

OP posts:
RacingAcrossTheSofa · 09/12/2025 18:56

It’s not secret, she just hasn’t told you. You're making a massive deal out of it.

latetothefisting · 09/12/2025 18:56

but how do you know you are "supposed to" not mention it?
Just because she hasn't told you every single detail of her finances doesn't mean you aren't allowed to discuss it. I don't get your rationale.

What do you expect her to say exactly "Hi guys, want to come over for a catch up next week? Here's my address, but you'll find it pretty easy because it's absolutely gigantic! It cost £3million btw. Let me know if you want to order Chinese as well."

Perhaps if you'd brought it up she would have said something? She probably thinks you aren't that bothered, and doesn't want to mention it herself either because she doesn't think there's much to say, or doesn't want to sound like she's bragging.

Did you not say "Wow this house is absolutely amazing," or similar when you first went over?