to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

For the two posters in the quote above, about remaining "absolutely mysterious" about where your money came from if you suddenly came into it: How would that work with your good friends? It's all very well in theory, but surely if you were really good friends with someone, and the friendship was longstanding, if you suddenly had a palace of a house or two and great cars and fab holidays, I think it would create weirdness not to say anything. Like you'd popped through a looking-glass into a different lifestyle and your good friends are just supposed to not mention it or notice.

That's hard for me to understand, because I'm somewhat open about these things with good friends, although not completely. While I don't tell details, I also don't draw a veil over what's so obvious. I haven't told anyone how much compensation we got for the asbestos exposure that killed my dad, only that there was some. And although my friends can see how much our childhood home sold for on Rightmove, I've given no details of how much he had in the bank. My friends know enough to make sense of my life, but not all the details. If I had some other grand inheritance that wasn't as obvious as my dad's, I would say that I could afford this amazing new house because I inherited from my great-aunt (say), but I wouldn't say how much, and I wouldn't answer if asked how much.

For me, there is a sensible balance to be struck. Appreciate everyone is different though.

That's just not true. I have worked hard all my life and accumulated what people would consider "wealth" in addition to a six-figure income, but no one would know it to look at me. My car is a 13-year-old Ford, my house is old and on the small side, and I generally am clad in jeans and a black T-shirt.

What they don't see are the high-quality upgrades to my home's infrastructure, the luxury travel that I've been doing for several years now, spending ten grand a pop on river cruises and long-haul trips at my whim. They don't see the daily luxuries in terms of things like expensive perfume, high-end meat and produce, vintage jewelry, art purchases, garden enhancements and other odds and ends that add pleasure to my life. They don't see the ease with which I paid for the best veterinary care & medication as my two old dogs were aging/dying. I am insured to the hilt against any and all emergencies, I visit private doctors for skincare and anti-aging treatments, and have an excellent hair stylist without worrying about her fees. Regular massage, manicure, pedicure. All that.

They don't see the thousands I give my sister every year to pay for vet bills and travel, and the other monetary gifts I send anonymously to people who are having a hard time. Last year a junior co-worker lost her husband to cancer a couple of months before Christmas; her little kids received a huge load of gifts from Santa, and she received cash for airline tickets for all three of them, to visit family, and she still has no idea it was me. Nor does anyone else. There are some other local people I similarly anonymously help, plus I enjoy giving more traditionally to various charities.

I don't need a Mercedes or a big flashy house to live and feel wealthy, but most people would be unaware of any of the above private spending. If someone tried to pry, they would get a tart response.

I think they probably just mean they will keep the source of it a secret, not that they will stick it in the bank and never use any of it.

Or maybe they mean they’ll buy an overseas holiday house that they don’t talk about or buy stealth-wealth clothing instead of designer clothing with logos all over it.

I agree that houses and cars are the most obvious indicators that someone has money. If you still drive a 13-year-old car and live in a small house, then yes, it's much easier to remain mysterious about it. But most people who are wealthy do want a nice house and car.

It depends what you are inclined to spend it on. Not everyone cares about flashy cars and massive houses. 1 mill would be wiped out with paying off a mortgage and creating a decent pension pot. If you have kids you might want to cover their uni fees so they're not saddled with loan repayments. That's it, all gone and no one would ever know you'd had all that money.

If you win more than that you might want to use funds to support worthy causes or people/animals in need. You don't need to disclose your identity for that. Even 5 mill on that kind of stuff will run out pretty quickly. But it's not an expenditure anyone would ever know about unless you told them or wanted public recognition for.

i HAVE a nice house and car. That's the point. Most wealthy people I know drive modest vehicles. My director at work earns half a million a year, plus his wife earns a lot, and they drive very low-end small cars.

This is true. I work for a multi-billionaire and both his and his wife’s cars are ones that any moderately comfortable middle-class family could afford.

You cannot say that with any degree of certainty. You will see people with money who have flash houses and cars but you will not see the people who have just as much money but have modest houses and drive old cars but choose to spend their wealth in ways that are wholly invisible to you.

You said your house was small and old and that your car is thirteen years old. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with either of them, but that's not what most people think of when they refer to a nice house and car.

OP I've just read all your responses and you have mentioned a few times that your friend's DH is controlling around her eating/weight and this suggestion of a 'prenup' is also concerning. I wonder if your friend is able to spend money freely and independently. This would explain why she is (I would say) avoiding a huuuuuge elephant in the room.
Remember that abusers can be wealthy, educated, charming professionals that everybody likes. Also they hide what they are doing from outsiders

Just a thought.

Indeed. He's been a real arse in the past about her always-slender figure. He does the cooking as she's not very domestic, and she said to him that she felt underfed! This was a few years ago, before they had kids. And she did say once that "DH says we can afford a part-time nanny" not "WE can afford it." She never seems to have any money to spend either, but whether that's because she doesn't want to or can't, I don't know.

Obviously I can't see what's hidden, but I do think that it's quite unusual for people with a lot of money to both remain in a small house and drive inexpensive cars.

I can imagine this. Cars are a dreadful investment. It makes sense to only spend what you have to on them to be safe. I'm not into cars though.

Exactly- research shows this. "A 2022 study by Experian Automotive discovered that many wealthy individuals don't actually drive fancy cars. For those with a household income above $250,000, 61% choose to drive non-luxury brands like Toyotas, Fords, and Hondas."

It would be super easy for me to be "mysterious" about my wealth as I dont want to live in some enormous castle type mansion. Thats too much upkeep and maintenance for my liking. I'd live in a large, lovely house that wasnt excessive so it would be super easy for me to hide my wealth. This idea that everyone wants to live a super flashy lifestyle as soon as they get a sniff of money is simply not true.

Imagine being this rude....

It’s really not unusual at all.

Well, not everyone has the mentality that bigger is better. The nature of my work takes me into contact with many wealthy business owners and philanthropists, even a couple of billionaires. You would be surprised at how modestly some of them live.

My home is small and old but it's very solidly built, well-maintained, well-appointed, fresh decor and filled with antiques and art. I have a beautiful loft conversion that serves as my office and studio, a large garden shed, lovely greenhouse. Easy and environmentally friendly to heat. Nice, very low-crime, convenient location. What more is there to want? Some clapped-together six-bed new build with 1/100th the character, history and charm?

My car is older but it was purchased new (for cash) with all the bells & whistles, full leather interior, sporty little engine, and is nearly as clean as when new, routinely maintained, brand-new tyres, no dings or nicks. It's fun to drive, gets good fuel mileage and is less expensive to insure than a luxury or performance vehicle would be. Why should I do something as eco-unfriendly as purchase a new car when this one is enjoyable and serviceable?

The point is, it's silly to judge a book by its cover. One never knows.

I know a handful of very wealthy people, some my own age and some my parents' friends, and while they don't brag or go round dripping in diamonds and designer gear, they all have huge and beautiful houses. So perhaps that's why I think most with money do treat themselves to somewhere pretty on the grand side to live. Three have a very impressive car collection.

No. You are seeing one side of being wealthy and finding it hard to understand there is another side to being wealthy that you cannot see. There will be people every bit as wealthy as your and your parents' friends who would not choose to buy a large and luxurious house because that is not the type of property they would want to live in. What you cannot see forms as much of the "wealth" picture as what you can see.

Im with op. Is it anyone's business? Of course not. Is it natural to wonder? It is, no matter what MN says.

I have a friend like this. There are 5 of us ina group and for years I kept my mouth shut and then finally asked a different friend that if it was weird that they had so much things. She was so happy that someone else was wondering it aswell.

Basically they bought a new built in the expensive area at the age of 24. They like expensive furniture (like £400 dining room chairs) Now they bought a piece of land in the same area (£160k) and started building their new house. Architect is working on it (no basic packages) They also bought a seaside cabin. And an investment property flat. They go skiing with the kids in Japan and Alps. The audi they have also seems nice. They also have subsidised childcare cause of their low income. The husbands parents were our teachers in school. The friends mom works in a nursery and dad has one man business. There might be inheritance or something but both have several siblings so dividing it between all
Is their finances any of my business? No. Can I just ignore it and not wonder? No. Will I ever ask? Also no.

Yes, I appreciate there is another side. I’m not stupid. But I would bet that the majority of wealthy people do have an impressive house.

That depends on what you mean by ‘impressive’, surely? It’s pretty subjective. A six-bed in a gated community? A Kensington townhouse? A tiny, beautiful, inconvenient Queen Anne house? Chatsworth? A giant footballer mansion decorated by an interior designer whose brief was ‘bling and more bling’? A fairly modest farmhouse with a stud attached?

Let's hope that your friend doesn't do Mumsnet. The amount of information you have given about her circumstances, as well as your own, would make it very easy to identify each other.

That's rather unfair, imo. Nothing indicates that she resents them, just that's she's puzzled. I would probably feel the need to explain if I was her close friends shoes, but obviously not everyone will feel that way.

That reply wasn't meant for you it was for someone else, I am new to this forum and by the time i went to amend the reply I had to see to my baby