Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

332 replies

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:04

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 21:53

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:09

I've just never been that interested in him or spent much time with him. Our friendship is the three women.

Show quote history

That's totally fair enough, but it does kind of support the argument that perhaps the reason this wealth hasn't been discussed is because your friendship revolves more around your internal lives rather than external circumstances.

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:58

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:52

You might be right, but I don't want to risk offending her tbh. She matters to me.

Show quote history

But it is you who is putting distance between you, creating a gulf that she probably does not know how to bridge. Sorry OP but I don't think you are helping your friend here by not saying anything. Its much harder for her to speak, especially if she is not at liberty to talk about the source of the wealth (its her DH's, say). Who are you thinking about - her or yourself?

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:04

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:18

When both your parents die, you can't really hide the fact that you've inherited, especially as I've been pretty upset about the loss of my childhood home, which I didn't want to sell but Sibling sensibly pointed out we couldn't just leave empty. (I couldn't live in it due to a number of factors outside my control.) For that reason, I haven't specifically said "I have X much now." My circs are really obvious.

Show quote history

Sorry I’m not sure how your personal life experiences have anything to do with my post. People’s lives are different and people live their lives in different ways.

Allseeingallknowing · 09/12/2025 22:06

If she’d wanted you to know, she’d have told you by now

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:07

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:46

You have said several times, OP that you are not supposed to notice or are expected to ignore it. But where does this come from? Its not from your friend, but from you. You seem to have decided that you should not notice, but then blame her for it, a classic projection. She has not mentioned it to you, perhaps out of embarrassment that she is significantly better off. As you are old friends, why not break the ice - as in "Wow! This is a step up from your place when I first knew you. Do you remember that flat in ...?" There is no need whatever to ask her how she became so much more wealthy. If you said this she would probably be really relieved as it would re-establish a more equal relationship between you. I voted YABU because you have not spoken to her, thus putting distance between you that she may not want.😳

Exactly. Perhaps she’ll write a post asking why her close friend has never asked her about her new home etc.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:10

LarryUnderwood · 09/12/2025 21:53

That's totally fair enough, but it does kind of support the argument that perhaps the reason this wealth hasn't been discussed is because your friendship revolves more around your internal lives rather than external circumstances.

Show quote history

That's well-spotted, actually. We all write as hobbies - met at a writing class - and our conversations are all about deep stuff - the mind, feelings etc - and not about anything external. She just emailed me a book of poetry that she wrote. I also happen to love the beauty industry, and I have a friend who's even more beauty-mad than I am. I discuss skincare and cosmetics etc all the time with that friend, but never with the friend who's the topic of this thread. And she's kind of on a higher plane anyway, with all her physics stuff. Bit of a mad scientist!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:12

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 22:04

Sorry I’m not sure how your personal life experiences have anything to do with my post. People’s lives are different and people live their lives in different ways.

Show quote history

I might have replied to the wrong poster. Sorry.

OP posts:
jajajajajaja · 09/12/2025 22:12

I would have no problem asking a close friend, “How the hell can you afford this?” But only a very close friend. Otherwise I’d just assume it was an inheritance and move on.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:15

OopOop · 09/12/2025 21:48

OP who has told you that you ‘aren’t supposed to’ comment?

Since it's her who came into the money, I decided to follow her lead, and nothing has been said, so...I think it's a reasonable assumption that she doesn't want to address it.

OP posts:
ArtesianWater · 09/12/2025 22:19

My circumstances have improved in recent years from pretty unremarkable to above average (nothing special) and I've been amazed by how it has prompted questions about how much I earn and thinly disguised jealousy from a few people in my life. There's no secret; I have just worked hard and saved up to buy a nicer home than my last one, whereas the jealous comments have come from people who either don't work hard or splurge what money they do have. The reactions have really surprised me for such an unremarkable lifestyle as mine, so I can understand why your friend might want to breeze past a much more remarkable change of fortune. she probably enjoys having friends who treat her the same regardless.

shihtzuu · 09/12/2025 22:25

Lol just ask

Babybaby2025 · 09/12/2025 22:26

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 21:47

I know stuff about the finances of fellow dog walkers 🤣🤣🤣

How does that go, then? "Cor, your Fido has got a well sparkly collar. You loaded or summink? How mucha got then, with a posh pooch like that?"

Show quote history

Not quite. I live in the north east, people are just very open and chatty. By the end of a loop around the dog park I often know a person's family drama, health issues and sometimes financial woes.

OopOop · 09/12/2025 22:29

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 22:15

Since it's her who came into the money, I decided to follow her lead, and nothing has been said, so...I think it's a reasonable assumption that she doesn't want to address it.

Show quote history

She might feel awkward bringing it up, it could feel like she’s bragging. Maybe she was waiting for someone else to ask, and now feels as awkward as you do that it hadn’t been addressed 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Endofyear · 09/12/2025 22:34

Why does it matter though? Can't you just be happy for your friend? Why do you care where the money has come from?

InlandTaipan · 09/12/2025 22:38

I can't imagine having a close friend where this was not discussed, at least a little. How can you talk about the big stuff w a friend if you can't even mention this?

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 22:42

ChristmasinBrighton · 09/12/2025 18:30

I’m going against the grain here. I am very close with my friends.

If they moved from a two bed rental to a big fancy house, with no reason cited, such as fabulous new job, sad inheritance etc, all of us, the rest of the group, would say “wow! Have you won the lottery or something!?”

Of course, if friend said “it’s personal” I wouldn’t ask again, but I would find it very odd. We do share pretty much everything though, and have done since we were children.

It’s extremely tacky to ask in the first place.

Discussing money & material possessions is crass and low-class. No one is owed an explanation of friends’ finances.

FlowerUser · 09/12/2025 22:42

Maybe her husband is a doctor for an organised crime syndicate. Legitimately consulted with for large sums of money through a legitimate company. But the sums are hundreds of thousands to keep his mouth shut about the bullet and stab wounds.

We can speculate forever and organised crime links are one of my favourites.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 22:44

InlandTaipan · 09/12/2025 22:38

I can't imagine having a close friend where this was not discussed, at least a little. How can you talk about the big stuff w a friend if you can't even mention this?

Seriously?

I have friends of 40 years standing, uni roommates etc, and I would not dream of asking how they afford their home, kids, holidays, cars or anything else. How cringe it would be.

Mydahliasareshit · 09/12/2025 22:44

Maybe they bought some bitcoin for a giggle in their youth and cashed in for property deposits. Do the places up, rent them out to cover large mortgages?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/12/2025 22:44

I think you're overthinking it ie you seem to frame it as a slight against you / your friendship.

If you were her you'd talk about it / explain it so you find it odd she doesn't - but she's not you, and some people just don't talk about money.

It's too late to casually bring it up (that would have to have been after the first move), so you just have to put your curiosity to one side. As you say he either inherited, or they won the lottery, and it's almost certainly the former, so there's no mystery to solve.

CamillaMcCauley · 09/12/2025 22:47

I don’t really understand why it’s important for you to know where her wealth has come from. Has her wealth affected your friendship in some important and negative way? If not, can you not just be happy for her without needing to know the details?

Howwilliknow122 · 09/12/2025 22:48

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/12/2025 18:13

Could you just ask her something along the lines of "Where did you get all your money from?" or just ask how much money she has?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 22:50

GreenCandleWax · 09/12/2025 21:46

You have said several times, OP that you are not supposed to notice or are expected to ignore it. But where does this come from? Its not from your friend, but from you. You seem to have decided that you should not notice, but then blame her for it, a classic projection. She has not mentioned it to you, perhaps out of embarrassment that she is significantly better off. As you are old friends, why not break the ice - as in "Wow! This is a step up from your place when I first knew you. Do you remember that flat in ...?" There is no need whatever to ask her how she became so much more wealthy. If you said this she would probably be really relieved as it would re-establish a more equal relationship between you. I voted YABU because you have not spoken to her, thus putting distance between you that she may not want.😳

Commenting on material goods is crass.

LemonDrizzleKay · 09/12/2025 22:50

She probably hasn't discussed it because this is her world. She probably grew up like this and has now inherited it. Why would she talk about it when it is just normal for her?

DanaGLyder · 09/12/2025 22:53

I think that if you cannot discuss money with your friends then they are not your closest le friends. Yes it is awkward at times but it is a very important part of all our lives and it is weird OP that it has never come up. How very old fashioned and uptight in my view.

Swipe left for the next trending thread