to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

I plan on winning the lottery shortly and don't plan on telling people. I will move to a nicer house but not a mansion so hopefully people won't be too curious. Will have to wait and see I guess.

California is rich. Not all of it. But some parts are very rich. So easy to see how an inheritance could buy a UK mansion.

He could have also bought partnership or full ownership of one, two three etc GP surgeries. Then he can be a GP and loaded. And do private work on the side.

This is clearly his money. And you say the first mansion was years ago so it’s not entirely sudden.

You could just ask “what’s the secret here”

@

Same here. I wont be telling a soul where it came from. Having previously made the mistake of telling people about a modest inheritance I got, and having all kinds of comments and hints afterwards about lending people money and could I just help them start their business and blah blah, I have been on the other side of this where people seem to think they are entitled to your financial business/money and it never goes well. Jealousy turns people into nasty creatures and even if someone claims they are happy for you, inside they rarely are.

When I win the lottery, I will remain resolutely mysterious about it, I couldnt give two hoots if people guess, they still wont know for sure and thats how I want it.

I sincerely hope this is sarcasm …..

How have you responded to her showing you the house? Sounds like you're just ignoring it? In which case the cue is coming from you that it's awkward and you don't want to talk about it. Usually when a friend shows you their house you compliment it and tell them it's amazing, and then she might talk more about it.

Me too. It's like a hug elephant in the room and it would feel very odd that everything has suddenly changed and no one has mentioned it. Very strange...

Odd? You feel odd about this, instead of being happy for your friend?

You sound envious, not odd. Jealous.

Your post circles and circles around this because you can’t say straight out that you’re happy for her. You’re actually not happy for her, or you wouldn’t post about this.

It’s only the OP making it an elephant in the room, though, by appearing to think it’s some kind of forbidden subject, or that her friend is holding out on her by not explaining to her exactly how she afforded her houses.

We can have no idea what her friend thinks. Maybe she feels awkward about the possible inheritance being from her DH’s family, or from a member of her DH’s family she always disliked. Maybe it was a lottery win she told no one about because of a potential queue of family begging. Or maybe, given that she seems not to work and to be an eternal research student, she is just not money-minded, and mentally classes all that stuff as ‘not my issue’, or is slightly ashamed she’s not self-supporting, so doesn’t want to think about that stuff.

There could be all kinds of reasons she’s not bubbling over with explanations, and as the OP hasn’t mentioned it either, the friend can have no idea it’s eating her up with thwarted curiosity, to the point of posting on the internet about it.

Then why are you living here if it is so awful?

It is not outing you are not the only person to have lived in New York and HongKong believe it or not.

In Britain, everyone who gets wealthy is viewed with suspicion as if they ripped someone off. Everyone? Really? Most folk couldn't give a shit and are too busy getting on with their daily lives.

You clearly hate the place so it begs the question when will you be leaving?

Why would that be ‘outing’? 😂

I’m not British but lived there for many years, and I prefer British begrudgery to wealth fawning. I mean, if it were an either/or choice.

But nothing has changed. What my friends earn or inherit and the size of the house they live in has nothing to do with our friendship. It doesn't need to be talked about.

When DP and I bought our place, it might have been bigger than some people expected (nowhere near mansion-sized though). The reasons were fairly mundane (unexpected leap in salary and unexpected inheritance for me, a lot of savings for him that you wouldn't think based on his actual lifestyle). It would feel really weird to volunteer all of that without being asked. And no one asked, presumably because they also find it uninteresting.

Friends share stuff with each other

Yeah I think it's almost.more strange that the friend doesn't even tell you when they are buying a new house and just sends an address for the next meet up at a completely different house.
Even not close friends and colleagues talk about going to viewings or seeing a mortgage advisor when they are buying a house let alone a good friend

How weird- I grew up in NY and have moved back and been living there for years as an adult. No one has ever once asked me about my income, the value of my house, or anything to do with golf. Perhaps your son is in a career and group of friends which are really unpleasant.

That's a tricky one, but honestly, your reaction makes total sense. It is weird when a friend’s life changes that dramatically and no one ever acknowledges it. But chances are they’re private about money or just don’t want to make things awkward, not hiding anything from you personally, so I wouldn't give it much thought.
If the friendship still feels good, I’d just let the houses be background noise. Your feelings are valid, but her silence is probably more about her own comfort than anything to do with you.

It's not really your business I guess, but I find it odd! I have lots of friends, but two besties. Me and my two besties share everything, even financial info. I know exactly whose parents has helped them and where, who has what savings etc. To me it's just not mega personal information, I'm not money laundering or doing anything wrong. I work full time. My dad has helped me with a housing deposit, and I don't care if others know 🤷

Some people are more private about finances than others. She may not want to chat about it, as in the UK it could be seen as bragging about her wealth. I also wonder if it's generational. My parents (late 60's and early 80's) would never dream of discussing finances. Whereas no one my age (32) seems to care. Even amongst my wider friendship circle, people will casually mention they're broke, or chat about an expensive purchase they made. As long as everyone is respectful of others and not bragging, who cares 🤷

The real weird part here is that you didn't even know she's moved! No matter your opinion on finances, that is a weird thing to not share with a friend!

As she was doing a STEM PhD she may very well have been paid by a company to do research. DH PhD was sponsored by a multinational. He was paid the equivalent in today’s money of about 30k. A fellowship where DH and I worked around 35k to 40k. So whilst not mega bucks it’s something.

But no one’s interested in your mortgage advisor! If you had a viewing of a house you loved and desperately wanted on sight, sure, you might talk about it, especially if it was not what you’d thought you wanted, or the time you walked in on a sleeping, hungover teenager or a sex dungeon during a viewing, but no one wants to hear endless accounts of how you liked 24 Barfield Rd but your sofa wouldn’t fit in the living room, or how 72 The Meadows had no kerb appeal.

I have a very good friend I’ve known for about 30 years, and on two occasions I’ve travelled to another part of the country to go househunting with her. The second time was for a second home. We are very close. I’ve visited her in a psych unit when she had a breakdown. I’m her son’s godmother. I have never expected or required an explanation of where the money came from for the second home — a beautiful cottage in a gorgeous place. She’s estranged from her rich parents, who, last I’d heard, were planning to disinherit her. It’s possible they gave her money as a payoff, or that it wasn’t possible to divert an investment from her grandparents etc. I haven’t asked. It’s not eating me up.

She clearly bright and driven. So what? She’s also discreet!

You see and admire their lovely new houses, Op.

You can't see their level of debt though.
Some people can service large mortgages and are comfortable being in a lot of debt..
It's either a windfall, as you suspect, or the bank still owns the majority of those homes.

Rich or poor, they are obviosly good friends; you are fortunate.

He’s a GP and they presumably had an inheritance.

it’s no surprise that they have a nice house.

And everybody lives in a crappy rental when they start out - why would they waste money on a nice rental when they were presumably saving for a place of their own.

I don’t see any issue. All seems very standard to me.

Also, describing your friend and your other friend as “lovely” does nothing to detract from the fact that you are being nosey and jealous.

edited to add - having read a few more of your posts you don’t seem jealous, so I’m sorry, my post above was harsh.

I would assume they have inherited a lot. But I guess as you haven’t mentioned it either she just hasn’t brought it up.

OP some cultures don't talk about money. Could this be it? You sound quite nosey, talking to dog walkers about finances etc. Bit money obsessed?

I hope this is a joke, because... don't do this.

What would her "saying something" about her bigger house look like to you, OP?

I'm sorry, perhaps this isn't the case, but your post comes across as pure nosiness dressed up as innocent concern/bewilderment.

But people DO give a shit! This thread is literally full of people saying how disappointed and betrayed they'd be in their friends if they came into money and didnt explain it to them. People are saying they'd feel disappointed and that close friends ought share everything, even private financial stuff so people clearly do care and OP clearly cares too otherwise she wouldnt be feeling odd about it either