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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

332 replies

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 18:04

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:50

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

🤣🤣 I don't think that's their style - but you never know!

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And that’s exactly how they get away with it! Always the innocent looking types…

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:50

And that’s exactly how they get away with it! Always the innocent looking types…

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Do you have experience of this?
he would be around some grear drugs making equipment to be fair!

PandorasBox7 · 09/12/2025 19:52

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:48

Haha, that's funny! You must look very expensive, lol!

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It’s because we own a few houses. They are not mansions btw 😉

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 19:52

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:50

Normally friends say something so I agree it’s odd!

Really? so if you bought a nice car one day you'd go around explaining how you managed to afford it to everyone you know? or next time you move house you'd be explaining your mortgage to everyone and showing them how much you've saved?

I wouldnt. I dont think this is "normal" at all

Solaire18381 · 09/12/2025 19:55

Most likely through inheritance - I have a house that I could never have afforded and that was through inheritance. All I would say about that is be careful what you wish for, of course I'd rather that person be alive than have my house, given the choice!

Or, yes they could have won the lottery! I know a lottery winner who has a house that they could never have afforded otherwise, given the job they did before they won. Went from an area regarded as rough to a lovely semi-rural suburb of similar homes.

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/12/2025 19:55

InterIgnis · 09/12/2025 19:28

She’s probably trying to navigate potentially perilous waters as best she can.

Just taking mumsnet for example - there’s been many a thread where a friend making even the vaguest of reference to their personal finances has been accused of boasting and rubbing it in (and is thus called all types of terrible person).

She may be trying to be sensitive, and will only discuss it if you bring the subject up. She may be not discussing the details so as to avoid any opprobrium. Someone having good financial fortune can really bring out the worst in those around them. It can be very tricky, especially in the UK.

Completely agree! OP just needs to satisfy herself that the money came from inheritance, lottery win or stocks. I honestly can't think of anything worse than owning 3 mansions with the endless cycle of maintenance, repairs, cleaning, staff and tenants to manage etc. Horrendous.

FlockofSquirrels · 09/12/2025 19:59

So your friend grew up poor and doesn't earn. Her husband came into money (likely through a family death) and they bought a new house. She invited you over and...

You said nothing about the house? Obviously you weren't supposed to say "oy, where'd your jobless arse get the cash to buy this palace and can I have some?" But normal friend behavior would be to comment warmly on how fabulous the house was and how pleased you are things are going so well. Ask a few non-invasive questions about the new place, which would let her know you were happy for her and it wasn't an uncomfortable topic for you.

If you didn't do that then she likely felt like you were deliberately not acknowledging it and so she shouldn't ever make it a topic of conversation or she'd seem like she was rubbing things in/bragging. If she grew up poor and isn't the source of the money then she is likely even more anxious about coming off like that. You keep saying you're not supposed to mention it but that seems like something you've invented and then put on her as her rule; that assessment would make sense if you've raised the subject (politely) and gotten poor reactions, but that hasn't happened. You've chosen not to say anything at all and make it all weird.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:59

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 19:49

I agree. Also you are being very disingenuous expecting her to mention this upgrade.

WTF is she meant to say?- "I'd love you to come over to my house for dinner on Saturday and btw, our new house is palatial and ginormous and far bigger than yours, just thought you'd want the heads up that I am officially rich now!- woo hoo, loadsamoney!!!!"

She isnt mentioning it because, and I can guarantee this, if she had and you'd posted it here everyone would have accused her of bragging and being up herself and some rich bitch who is out of touch.

I get why you might wonder where her money has come from but frankly, to be this obsessed with it is weird as hell and I would wonder why this is nagging at you so much that you have to know. She has likely inherited it which isnt any of your business to know.

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I've already explained a few times that it's on my mind rn because I just saw the latest new house today.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:00

FlockofSquirrels · 09/12/2025 19:59

So your friend grew up poor and doesn't earn. Her husband came into money (likely through a family death) and they bought a new house. She invited you over and...

You said nothing about the house? Obviously you weren't supposed to say "oy, where'd your jobless arse get the cash to buy this palace and can I have some?" But normal friend behavior would be to comment warmly on how fabulous the house was and how pleased you are things are going so well. Ask a few non-invasive questions about the new place, which would let her know you were happy for her and it wasn't an uncomfortable topic for you.

If you didn't do that then she likely felt like you were deliberately not acknowledging it and so she shouldn't ever make it a topic of conversation or she'd seem like she was rubbing things in/bragging. If she grew up poor and isn't the source of the money then she is likely even more anxious about coming off like that. You keep saying you're not supposed to mention it but that seems like something you've invented and then put on her as her rule; that assessment would make sense if you've raised the subject (politely) and gotten poor reactions, but that hasn't happened. You've chosen not to say anything at all and make it all weird.

No, I've already said a few times that other friend and I always compliment the houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:02

Re. my two posts above, I do wish people would read OPs and their responses before saying stuff. It gets tiresome having to keep repeating.

OP posts:
Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 20:03

Perhaps she doesn’t regard you as much of a close friend which is why she hasn’t disclosed? You say you don’t refer or talk about your windfall. Or perhaps it’s just that you’re all extremely polite and courteous about the odious issue of money *faux posh accent. Wink

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:50

And that’s exactly how they get away with it! Always the innocent looking types…

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🤣🤣🤣 Yeah, they look pretty angelic. Mum, Dad, two cute boys...hmmmm...

OP posts:
FlockofSquirrels · 09/12/2025 20:12

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:00

No, I've already said a few times that other friend and I always compliment the houses.

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Yes. But surface level compliments on the house itself are not the same as bringing up the change in circumstances and asking reserved questions about that aspect to indicate it's a topic you're open to and won't be weird about. You've decided that she's made the topic off-limits because she hasn't raised it herself, but those aren't actually the same thing.

Of course there is also a possibility that after years of knowing you she has reason to believe you would be weird about it and so is deliberately not mentioning it. It's worth considering that since no one on here can tell.

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:13

Newsenmum · 09/12/2025 19:52

Do you have experience of this?
he would be around some grear drugs making equipment to be fair!

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HE WOULD! 😱😱😱

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:14

FlockofSquirrels · 09/12/2025 20:12

Yes. But surface level compliments on the house itself are not the same as bringing up the change in circumstances and asking reserved questions about that aspect to indicate it's a topic you're open to and won't be weird about. You've decided that she's made the topic off-limits because she hasn't raised it herself, but those aren't actually the same thing.

Of course there is also a possibility that after years of knowing you she has reason to believe you would be weird about it and so is deliberately not mentioning it. It's worth considering that since no one on here can tell.

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Well, that would apply to the other friend in our trio as well, then.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 09/12/2025 20:14

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2025 19:35

No one’s suggested they’re dealing drugs on the side?

Criminal money is a good reason to keep schtum.

PrestonHood121 · 09/12/2025 20:14

Sounds like living beneath their means in a crappy rental has paid off long term.

Bloodyscarymary · 09/12/2025 20:16

I don’t think YABU because a proper friend would mention something at least in passing, something along the lines of “yes grandparents have really helped us out, bless their souls” or something like that. The fact that you aren’t let in on the insider info of where they got all their money just makes you feel more like an acquaintance rather than a good friend and this feels like a disconnect for you if you thought you were closer. “Inner circle” usually gets to know about sources of money, even if it’s just super high level, “family helped us out” sort of thing.

Some people like to pretend their money wasn’t inherited so that’s another reason you could be put out, that she seems like she’s trying to pass it off as their salary when it’s not. It doesn’t feel genuine to you.

Good friends generally like to be “let in” on the journey of life, so big step ups, they like to hear about the honest reason and the perspective of the person experiencing the change. It can be jarring when people try to brush over big changes and pretend they have always been changed. Like the friend who was struggling to find a job and then does and retroactively pretends they got a job very easily? You kind of want to have a shared history with someone.

Equally, you need to let people grow and change and not always hold them to their past versions. If she wants to pretend she never had a crappy rental and has always been Miss Mansion then sometimes you just have to allow that identify to take precedence.

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 20:16

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 19:59

I've already explained a few times that it's on my mind rn because I just saw the latest new house today.

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Yes, I know you have but the point still stands LOL- what do you expect her to say that isnt going to sound like bragging? why does she have to announce where her money has come from?

Does this only apply to the rich?- should you also be telling her about your finances and if not then why is it only on her to have to explain her bank account

The fact you are still thinking about it shows it is nagging at you. When I visit my friends houses or see them on video I am not still thinking about them hours later so clearly its still on your mind and I find that weird.

blueshoes · 09/12/2025 20:17

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/12/2025 19:55

Completely agree! OP just needs to satisfy herself that the money came from inheritance, lottery win or stocks. I honestly can't think of anything worse than owning 3 mansions with the endless cycle of maintenance, repairs, cleaning, staff and tenants to manage etc. Horrendous.

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I honestly can't think of anything worse than owning 3 mansions with the endless cycle of maintenance, repairs, cleaning, staff and tenants to manage etc. Horrendous.

I agree. That is why Jeffrey Epstein needed Ghislaine Maxwell to manage his residences (and other things no doubt).

Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:18

Mistyglade · 09/12/2025 20:03

Perhaps she doesn’t regard you as much of a close friend which is why she hasn’t disclosed? You say you don’t refer or talk about your windfall. Or perhaps it’s just that you’re all extremely polite and courteous about the odious issue of money *faux posh accent. Wink

When both your parents die, you can't really hide the fact that you've inherited, especially as I've been pretty upset about the loss of my childhood home, which I didn't want to sell but Sibling sensibly pointed out we couldn't just leave empty. (I couldn't live in it due to a number of factors outside my control.) For that reason, I haven't specifically said "I have X much now." My circs are really obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:20

howthemoonshines · 09/12/2025 20:16

Yes, I know you have but the point still stands LOL- what do you expect her to say that isnt going to sound like bragging? why does she have to announce where her money has come from?

Does this only apply to the rich?- should you also be telling her about your finances and if not then why is it only on her to have to explain her bank account

The fact you are still thinking about it shows it is nagging at you. When I visit my friends houses or see them on video I am not still thinking about them hours later so clearly its still on your mind and I find that weird.

Show quote history

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion that I am weird. None of my business what you think of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewNameforThisPost2025 · 09/12/2025 20:24

Bloodyscarymary · 09/12/2025 20:16

I don’t think YABU because a proper friend would mention something at least in passing, something along the lines of “yes grandparents have really helped us out, bless their souls” or something like that. The fact that you aren’t let in on the insider info of where they got all their money just makes you feel more like an acquaintance rather than a good friend and this feels like a disconnect for you if you thought you were closer. “Inner circle” usually gets to know about sources of money, even if it’s just super high level, “family helped us out” sort of thing.

Some people like to pretend their money wasn’t inherited so that’s another reason you could be put out, that she seems like she’s trying to pass it off as their salary when it’s not. It doesn’t feel genuine to you.

Good friends generally like to be “let in” on the journey of life, so big step ups, they like to hear about the honest reason and the perspective of the person experiencing the change. It can be jarring when people try to brush over big changes and pretend they have always been changed. Like the friend who was struggling to find a job and then does and retroactively pretends they got a job very easily? You kind of want to have a shared history with someone.

Equally, you need to let people grow and change and not always hold them to their past versions. If she wants to pretend she never had a crappy rental and has always been Miss Mansion then sometimes you just have to allow that identify to take precedence.

Thank you for this very wise and insightful response, and not just jumping to the conclusion that I'm some awful person who's jealous/weird and whatever else. I love my friend, I'm just startled every time she gets a fab new house, and I am definitely curious about what happened. But I do appreciate it's none of my business - which is why I wouldn't ask.

OP posts:
Christwosheds · 09/12/2025 20:24

Most people I know with large houses either inherited, or were given a generous start up for their first house, and then upgraded house by house, moving a few times as they progressed through their career.
If a close friend had gone from a small and tatty rental to a mansion I would have asked. A less close friend I would assume inheritance, but a close friend I would be curious and ask something along the lines of ‘gosh, this must have cost a fortune, how did you manage to buy it ?’ because it’s the sort of thing I tell my close friends, and I am nosy !
Op you could just ask, next time you are sitting round a table with a glass of wine, just explain that you have been curious but didn’t want to seem rude, how did they get into building this portfolio of mansions ?

Christwosheds · 09/12/2025 20:28

Bloodyscarymary · 09/12/2025 20:16

I don’t think YABU because a proper friend would mention something at least in passing, something along the lines of “yes grandparents have really helped us out, bless their souls” or something like that. The fact that you aren’t let in on the insider info of where they got all their money just makes you feel more like an acquaintance rather than a good friend and this feels like a disconnect for you if you thought you were closer. “Inner circle” usually gets to know about sources of money, even if it’s just super high level, “family helped us out” sort of thing.

Some people like to pretend their money wasn’t inherited so that’s another reason you could be put out, that she seems like she’s trying to pass it off as their salary when it’s not. It doesn’t feel genuine to you.

Good friends generally like to be “let in” on the journey of life, so big step ups, they like to hear about the honest reason and the perspective of the person experiencing the change. It can be jarring when people try to brush over big changes and pretend they have always been changed. Like the friend who was struggling to find a job and then does and retroactively pretends they got a job very easily? You kind of want to have a shared history with someone.

Equally, you need to let people grow and change and not always hold them to their past versions. If she wants to pretend she never had a crappy rental and has always been Miss Mansion then sometimes you just have to allow that identify to take precedence.

I agree with all of this.
I would be hurt if a close friend didn’t mention a huge change in lifestyle and circumstances, for just these reasons. A change in either direction, it is odd not to mention it. Eg my friend who said “we are so lucky to have this house, I couldn’t have bought it if my parents hadn’t left me theirs” .