to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

I think if you came into or won enough money to buy a mansion, with perhaps enough for a deposit on a second, you could then borrow against the first house for a second one which you'd then rent out, which would cover the costs. Then when the value of the houses, and your wages, have gone up, borrow and rent out for the third. So my money's on them winning or inheriting a fair amount but then being canny with the money.

She might be absolutely desperate to have a good old chat about it but doesn't want to bring it up for fear of looking vulgar/ bragging?

Fgs OP just ask her! She can always tell you to mind your own, especially if you word it carefully. Its such a massive elephant in the room! Might even bring you guys closer together.

I think it’s weird. And not a “close friend” for sure.

@howthemoonshinesI was thinking about your comment about wealth.

Does it only apply to wealth? I think for me it would be more dramatic shift. go the other way. Surely as a friend you would ask? Are you ok?

I actually don’t have many close friends but those I do have tend to know everything from my mood to my child’s toilet habits.

if I suddenly rocked up in a huge house they would say, WTF. Or vice versa.

Thank you. It's nice that some people get it.

I do think her husband might have sworn her to secrecy. He can be controlling, like about her weight. (Even though she's always been beautifully slim.)

But you’re the one ‘creating mystery’. No one told you not to mention it. It’s fairly clear from what you say that they bought their house/s using an inheritance, so why do you need her to explicitly account for it to you? Some of my friends suddenly became wealthy after their parents died, leaving them London houses originally bought for not much but which had become enormously valuable. They didn’t talk me through the details. I didn’t expect it. Other friends had trust funds that matured.

I voted Yabu because you shouldn't expect your friend to explain herself (I can't picture how she could work the windfall into the conversation without sounding like bragging). I think you should have enquired carefully if you are interested - and clearly you are.
A while ago I told my friend about a promotion that would mean considerable payrise but it was really awkward as my friend didn't congratulate me and changed subject. Ever since I struggle with sharing any good news, monetary or not.

But the OP knows it’s an inheritance. Why does it make a difference if she makes some pious little ‘I’m so blessed’ comment?

100% agree with this. If you are wealthy you somehow have to justify it to all and sundry. I am amazed at the posts in this very thread saying they'd be all hurt and upset unless their friends explained to them where their money came from, as if they are owed that information.

Good grief. I am surprised these people have any friends left.

Yeah, you don't have to tell me to be careful what I wish for on that count, I assure you. I inherited a year ago after I lost my second parent. I would give ANYTHING for my parents to be alive and healthy with me again. The money is very cold comfort.

Friend and her DH's four parents are still alive.

But the change happened after his grandfather died (grandmother was already gone.)

Exactly! Its pretty obvious surely if someone's parent/relative dies and they suddenly have more money- I mean, you dont need to be Colombo to work that one out.

Why do they need to go around apologising and saying "I am so lucky, I am so blessed" and all that crap? their parent has just died FFS- its quite insensitive you would expect them to have to play it off like this when they are grieving.

I would not be discussing money with friends. It is really rude where I am from. I would say the house is fabulous or whatever, but I would never question how it was funded. Or consider that a suitable topic of conversation.

@roseclouds I think people are getting mixed up. It's my parent that has died and I then inherited because it was my last parent to go, not my friend's or her husband. Both of them still have their four parents. I lost my dad a year ago after two years of caregiving alone and my mum 11 years before that, and my childhood home - that I adored - has just been sold. So don't say to ME "their parent has just died FFS - its quite insensitive you would expect them to have to play it off like this when they are grieving." It's ME who's grieving for a recently lost parent and the final wrapping up of all our memories at the house, not them. Why don't you read the sodding updates before being a rude arse?

Your post wasn't the "gotcha" that you thought it was, was it?

I've said numerous times on this thread that I inherited because both my parents are now dead.

RTFT!!!!

I can imagine doing this, ie not addressing the elephant in the room. In this case it would be if the money wasn't mine, and I had no access to it, and actually was a little ashamed of my circumstances (eg being financially separate from my husband, living on a stipend given to me by my husband, having signed away any rights to any assets because they all belong to him and our children etc).

Perhaps it feels weird because a friendship in which you previously shared highs and lows and details and achievements and losses isn't that any more?

You're being disingenuous. It's been very clear throughout the thread that this is about a very sudden and drastic change.

I'm with you OP. I'm open with close friends - sensitive things like money, relationships, sex and so on do come up, and no one spontaneously combusts. I think that's a very normal thing in a friendships. Not, "Oooh, you must be loaded now, look at this whopper of a house, come on spill the beans!" - just ongoing conversations about looking to move house, or buying this or that.

How the hell is she “pulling the wool over your eyes”?

It has absolutely fuck all to do with you how she’s afforded her houses. Are you her friend or her accountant? She doesn’t owe you an explanation. I live in a big house, and it’s never once occurred to me to ‘explain myself’ to my friends.

You might be right. Her husband has been very controlling of what she eats in the past. And when they got a part-time nanny for one of the boys, she said "DH says we can afford it," not "We can afford it."

I think you've got your answer. In which case maybe any probing you do is to see if she needs to talk or needs support (she might be perfectly happy with her life!). You never know what goes on in a marriage.

Your post wasn't the "gotcha" that you thought it was, was it?

Er, I am referring to the post by @Christwosheds who was saying that as a friend you should explain your wealth by grovelling on about how lucky/blessed you are even if a relative has died and you have inherited

Once again, I have said numerous times that I know it's not my business and so haven't asked. That's included in my quote that you posted. Right nove your message, I say:

I have not asked her because she obviously doesn't want to talk about it and I think it would be pretty rude. Someone said it's not my business, and I know that, which is why I haven't asked. I said that in my OP.

But I suppose you didn't want that to stop you swearing at me and having a go, did you? Either that or you're a bit hard of reading.

I'm leaving this thread now and changing my name back because it's 9pm and all the winos are into their cups and starting to spew aggressive nonsense. And also it appears that no one can actually READ.

Why did you even ask AIBU if you are just going to be rude and aggressive to all the people saying yes, you are. There is clearly only one answer you actually want to hear and that is that you are 100% right and deserve an explanation from your friend. Not sure why you even bothered asking if you only wanted to hear this 🤷‍♀️

Such a typical AIBU - most people say well yes, you are kind of being unreasonable and then cue a tantrum from the OP and flounce.

I think that you could politely say something about being really pleased for her and how her circumstances have changed throughout your friendship without intruding and feeling awkward.You can recognise the change without questioning.

What does your other friend think?

Sorry about your Father.

Could it be that she is being cautious about discussing inheritance (if it’s that) due to your losses? Just thinking that it would be awful to talk about inheritance with a friend who was caring for a terminally ill parent. Especially if their potential inheritance wasn’t a parent.

I suppose you weren't able to read this update that I posted:

I appreciate the responses. I'll definitely go back to not thinking about it or mentioning it, and people are right that it's not my business. Which I knew, but it's good to have it reiterated. It was just on my mind bc I saw the latest house today. See the previous page for a photo I posted of similar.
I'll just accept that she came into a lot of money somehow and doesn't want to talk about it. 👍

and

I decided it was best to just follow her lead, and I'll keep doing that.

Any reason that you decided to ignore the above? Or did you just not read the updates?

As for being aggressive, I can see perfectly how when you bite back to people who were aggressive first - a fact conveniently ignored - sticking up for yourself is then used as a stick to beat you with by some posters for the sake of it, which is exactly what you just did. I'm not daft.

And if you find AIBU so samey and tiresome, why read it?

On which planet are people rude enough to ask their "friends" how much do you earn and HOW can you afford this? 😂😂

It's usually obvious-ish by their job title and their living situation how comfortable they are, but what kind of busy body expects to know the financial details? 😂

I am not talking about the OP, but the few posters who would "ask". Ask what? Did you pay cash or have a mortgage, and where did you find the money? Are you dealing drug or pimping girls? Who does that 😂😂

OP YANBU but you have posted a LOT of personal details on this thread about your friend and her family!