to have weird feelings about friend's silence re. sudden wealth

[NewNameforThisPost2025]

So, I have a wonderful friend who I love very much.

Long story short, she and her husband had a crappy rental when we met and now they're on their third absolute palace of a house. I only found out about her change of circumstance when I went to her first amazing house. She said nothing at all, just gave me the new address. I was stunned when I saw it, and happy for them. Assumed they had just been saving hard for years. He's a GP and she's an eternal student - she's very clever, was working on a physics fellowship at Oxford when we met. Since then she's been doing a long PhD part time, which obviously doesn't pay but is important. They got married and had kids a few years ago.

Anyway, nothing was said about the amazing new house and what a huge upgrade it was from their previous rental. We (me and the other lovely friend in our trio) were simply invited over and nothing was said.

Then they got a second incredible new house, and kept the old one to rent out.

Then they moved across country and I haven't seen her for a while, due to me looking after my terminally ill dad.

She's just sent me a video of her sons dancing around, and their third house since their new circs looks more majestic than ever.

I do realise that it's her and her husband's business. This is why I have never asked her about it, and never would. She clearly doesn't want to say anything, or she would have. His grandparents died not too long before they got their first mansion, so I suppose they must have come into a ton of family money. Or won the lottery! But I remember their rental, and it's just SO WEIRD that she keeps pulling amazing house after amazing house out of her sleeve and has never said a word about their very-changed circumstances.

I don't know why, but it just makes me feel a bit odd, the way that things have changed so much for her and yet we are supposed to just studiously ignore it!

AIBU?

It does seem very very very very odd that your friend never mentions her meteoric rise in living standards. That is much odder than the evidence of sudden wealth, which likely comes from an inheritance or lottery win.
If you ever find out it will probably be something very simple, such as another friend reacted enviously so she decided not to mention it in case it sounds like gloating.

I'm a pretty nosy person so I dont blame you at all for wanting to know. I am always curious about people's financial history but I'd never ask directly or discuss it, but I've found that it's often quite easy to find out on your own. A lot of wealthy people I've met have company directorships or have high profile employment, share personal circumstances on SM, or have some official media coverage, so it's fairly easy to work out where at least some of their wealth comes from. You can get information like land registry records quite cheap too. If you do a bit of digging online you can probably find out what you'd like to know without directly asking.

Wow, you’re so nosey!
They could have had a large inheritance windfall, won the lottery, one of them bought Bitcoin twenty five years ago and sat on it, found a large Imperial Quianglong vase at the car boot, who knows?
What we do know is that your friend is under no obligation to tell you, and anyone sensible would keep sudden wealth well under wraps anyway. Just enjoy visiting their mansion, maybe one day she’ll let on, maybe not. Doesn’t matter.

Sigh. I’m not the dogwalker who talks to people about money. That was a different poster.

I am with you 😂

If friends, on benefits or millionaires, were starting to discuss their kitchen worktop, they wouldn't stay friends for much longer 😂

I’m in the middle of a really busy day so will come back tomorrow. I see lots of interesting replies.

I have said straight out at least twice that I'm happy for her. RTFT!

I'm sure you'd have no curiosity at all if your friend was suddenly rich, O virtuous one!

And I haven't asked her, so not nosey.

Omg, give me some of it? Are you for real? I would never ask and would rather walk over hot coals than accept any of it if offered. I don't have a mortgage myself, so am not exactly in need of hand-outs!

But I haven't queried her.

If you RTFT, you'll see that I did exactly this.

It’d be a casual conversation with my OH, probably involving various comedic ways they could have got rich such as one of them becoming a high end assassin, not something I’d start a MN thread over

If I still had an OH, I probably would have done exactly that. But I live alone and WFH, so excuse me for wanting some interaction.

Quite possibly she has signed a prenup which means that her actual realisable interest in any of the houses is, on paper, negligible. Maybe the houses are owned by a business which belongs solely to her husband.

She might look rich but may not have all that much in her own name so she's not feeling rich in herself and there's nothing for her to explain that wouldn't cause her to possibly feel humiliated. (Forget divorce law here and what she might actually receive in the event of such.) You might feel she should be able to talk to you about this but then you're asking her to tell you stuff that she feels/has been told betrays her loyalty to her husband. I'm not going to say that some curiosity about the source of the wealth she appears to enjoy is weird, it's not, but your friend may be in the middle of more complicated circumstances than you realise which prevent her from a breezy admission that her DH made good on some stocks because that opens up a conversation she might not want to have just yet.

Excellent points, thank you.

Well I will freely admit to looking up my friends houses when they buy/ sell them on Rightmove to see what they’re going for 😂 so I get the nosey instinct OP!

I sadly do not have three mansions but my house is way beyond what my DH and I would be able to afford on our salaries and I am happy to be open with my friends about the fact that it’s because of inheritance.

Hello everyone, I'm really grateful for the people who took the time to answer me properly and give great advice. It's been really helpful.

I'm going to attempt to leave it now, as I have my answer. (Definitely BU.) And also not having infinite time to keep it going.

I will re-read the advice and give my head a wobble about my feelings.

For the people that wrote considered replies instead of insults, I am VERY grateful.

Mumsnet at its best! So many wise people on here, among all the plonkers.

I have close friends whose circumstances have changed very suddenly, for better and worse. I also know people who have always been very noticeably better off than me. In either case I know almost nothing about the reasons behind it, and never thought to try to suss it out. In some cases it has crossed my mind to wonder, but I've never "felt weird" about not knowing.

Good for you.

Your sarcasm is the only light here

You sound very similar to me

All the people saying they would hide any great wealth they came into, how would you plan to do that? I'm so curious, as a few people have said it would remain totally secret. If you want to hide it, you would not be able to use or enjoy it. No nice car or big house. I suppose you could take extravagant holidays and lie about where you went, but I can't think of any other ways there are to enjoy your wealth without it being obvious.

I suppose if you're never going to spend any of it, you could hide it, but how many people would do that?

So, how would totally hiding it work?

There's a big difference between hiding it and not telling people. I just wouldn't tell them and if they asked id tell them mind their own business.
I dont see a problem with this.

Upthread there are people all agreeing that they would keep their wealth completely secret. I'm saying you can't unless you never use it.

"The only light here" 🤣 Bit dramatic!