To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Oh wow. Sorry OP this is not ok

JFC!!!! What is it with these wankers who are happy for their wives to take the hit to their career by taking maternity leave to have their children but also expect them to keep contributing at the same amount. I despair that there are men like this in the world.

I second the advice from the poster who advised you to get a forensic accountannt. Financially abusive arseholes like your soon-to-be ex-husband, particularly those with their own companies, love to hide their money from HMRC and their ex-wives.

I view his position as financial abuse. He is essentially stealing from you by expecting you to take care of his children for free while his earning power is not impacted.

If he won’t change and restore you financially retroactively, this is divorce worthy.

I cannot believe it either.

The single most important decisions any fertile woman has to make are:

• whether she really, truly wants to have children
• and if yes, choosing the father of her children very, very carefully.

So much of the misery we read about daily on MN results from choosing the wrong man to have children with.
But, in order to be able to choose well, one really needs to talk about this early on - way before pregnancy.

ETA: I’m not blaming OP or others who find themselves in this situation. Most people simply can’t envisage a situation where the person they love and hope to share a life with will turn out to be such an absolute shit. Which emphasises the need to talk about this and agree a plan on how to be a family and raise children.

I know I'm going to sound old fashioned, but I think modern marriage vows don't really encourage couples to really think about what marriage and having children will be like in reality, before they take that step.

Traditional marriage vows state that "with all my worldly goods I thee endow", or "all that I have I share with you". These vows make it very clear that marriage should be a sharing of all that the couple have, including money. Hopefully this will mean that couples will think about these words and how it will work in their marriage.

Similar sentiment doesn't seem to be used very often in modern marriage vows, so perhaps it comes as quite a surprise to some couples that marriage works best when you work as a team, a single family unit, including financially.

Very honestly if divorce is on the horizon just stop paying and say you have no money any cash you do have keep or give to your family.

we earn similar amounts however he has a company whereby he takes dividends rather than a regular wage.

This guy is going to do EVERYTHING he can do dodge maintenance and as he isn't paye he can do a lot....so you should squirrel any cash and assets now while you can because I promise you he won't be looking to play fair when push comes to shove.

Use the money to get a good forensic accountant.

That is ridiculous that he let you go into debt to continue paying 50%. He chose to have children and any normal person would expect to have to cover the shortfall from MAT leave. He’s treating you like a housemate not a wife.

He is an absolute arsehole. When you ditch him take him for everything you can.

He also has two flats with tenants but as he got these before we got together, he thinks they are untouchable.

to be honest, I would like 50% of the equity of the family home we own jointly (not including his deposit amount) so I can put down a deposit on a flat for myself and the kids. I wouldn’t want to be greedy / difficult in case he uses the kids against me (my biggest fear).

his thinking is that as he earns similar, he shouldn’t have to pay more towards my portion.

I would take him for every single penny I could. Serves him right for being a penny pinching, selfish fucker.

He’s neither man nor father!

Did you both not save to cover maternity leave and the additional costs of having another baby?

I did, and have been living off those with some extra help from my family.

he has significant savings.

He is an idiot to not help, you are pretty daft yourself for doing it a second time knowing how things were. The whole thing contributing to your divorce is a real shame for those poor children, but I’d divorce him too if I were you. Make sure you get a decent solicitor and don’t be nice to him about the finances.

He is a pitiful excuse of a man and should be utterly ashamed of himself!

So does he het extra money from his tenanted properties. You need a good accountant/solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to. Do not settle for small amounts, he has financially abused you and I am sure will pay as little CMS as he can, so you need to be properly financially secure when you divorce.

How long have you been married/lived together?

Thank goodness you are leaving. I cannot imagine being married to a man who behaved like this. It blows my mind. How can he justify it??

Please get advice from a specialist lawyer / forensic accountant before you let him know you’re leaving - and don’t underestimate how a fair settlement would put the kids in a better position (presumably it will be you doing most of the work, potentially helping when they are at uni etc). Also you don’t want to be dependent on family in the future because you didn’t get what you were entitled to from him.
Take advice asap about what evidence you should be gathering to strengthen your case. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is already taking advice about how to protect ‘his’ assets.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

WTF!!!!!! My husband paid 100% of everything when I did my mat leave then I left my job as my eldest was born with some additional needs. So tell your husband he’s lying. I don’t know anyone whose husband actually made then contribute as typical on mat leave as that benefits all of you! Otherwise he’d have been paying for care. What a low life scum he is.

Words fail me. I honestly cannot comprehend the simultaneous stupidity and selfishness of his position.

It's a pity you didn't tell him that you were going back to work straight after DD2 was born and that it was his turn to survive on shared paternity leave. But I assume he is also a useless parent in many other respects.

Do not be a mug OP. You do not have to play dirty, but please get what is yours by law. You’ll need it for yourself and the kids.

Well you were stupid to have a second kids when you already knew what he is like that’s on you

as he is self employed and takes dividends wouldn’t count on child support at all
so if your going to divorce him I would take that your going to get very little from him in both financial and physical support

What did your family say when you took money from them because your own husband wouldn’t pay.?

No. You go for as much as you can knowing he is stingy and will treat your kids the same and use money over them to be controlling, trust me. Do it for them!! Take back the power here and think of your kids please.