To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Ha ha ha ha! Does he really think he can dictate this to the Family Court ?

He’s even more of a dick than your 1st post suggests.

By divorcing him you are absolutely NOT ruining your children's lives. Things may be tough financially for a while, holidays etc. may get complicated, but that's so much better than your children growing up thinking it's normal or acceptable to be in a financially abusive relationship, or to financially abuse their "partner".

@PoisedUmberCrab so either give it all back to his Dad or split it 50/50 - just because it was his father doesn’t mean it wasn’t given to both of you - he has no more right to it than you do

Sorry for the drip feeding - these are real life updates!

the latest is that, when he lost his job a few years ago, and was out of work for 9 months (living off savings), he didn’t expect me to pay towards his half of the mortgage / bills. He sees this as equivalent to me being on maternity leave.

Every day I am on here thinking surely no one can top this batshit crap, yet here we are. Wtaf is he doing having another child and not contributing every bloody penny necessary to help care for you and his children?! That to me is just wild. We have one pot and everything comes out of it and we make joint financial decisions. End of. I am so sorry that you are being inflicted with this absolute nonsense. I haven’t read the whole thread but I gather that it’s time to walk if you could time. I’d have felt tempted to tell him since he’s being so transactional about it, that’s £20k for carrying and birthing your child and the rest! And it’s a bargain at that!

I couldn’t do a big enough face palm emoji if I tried 🤦🏻‍♀️

All very tit for tat as if you’re room mates.

does he pay 50% of childcare?

yes, we pay 50/50 for nursery fees.

It’s to house his children, the ones he left for work without doing anything at all for. Someone has to look after them, and he has obligations. Tell him he might want his children homeless but you’re sure his dad wants his children housed full time.

id have thought his pension would be more. What about the value of his company?

Are they his children ? Of course he should be stepping up , you have given birth to his children , you are a family . He needs a wake up call , he should not need to ask his friends / colleagues what their partners pay etc , he should do this automatically.

Is a 50/50 split of your finances fair though??

It is if you’re genuinely going to have a genuinely even custody split and your career hasn’t been impacted by having children. A man who won’t even support his wife on mat leave doesn’t strike me as someone that’ll pick up 50% of the parenting, even if they say they will.

If you’re the default parent that looks after them when they’re sick, pays for their childcare, etc then your earning potential and disposable income’s probably going to be affected and a different financial split may be fairer.

Why have another child when divorce is on the cards, totally unreasonable.

Your husband is ridiculous. My husband and I do have separate bank accounts, savings etc, but we would never separate it as ‘my money’ and ‘your money’. When I was on mat leave he sent me a sum every month to cover my usual wage. We worked out that I would be spending more money whilst on mat leave due to buying baby clothes/toys/equipment, attending baby groups, meeting up with friends, days out etc.

When he compares income it should.be all of his income.... profit from rentals, dividends, salary and business profits, unless he co owns the business. If he has a salary of £35,000 to yours of £45,000 but he earns £80,000 in total then the 50/50 split is unfair.

He does have a lot of assets .. which means you have a lot of assets as a married couple.

How much it will cost you to fight him in court is unknown at this stage. You will have to weigh this up but at least you have a well paid job.

He had a 50/50 marriage, he can have a 50/50 divorce.

OP, he's going to be an absolute knob no matter what you do. No matter how reasonable you are, or however you try to minimise yourself or your contributions.

Go for what you are entitled to - for yourself and for your children. I mean mortgage deposit, investment properties, business, pension. With any luck the value of that will equal the majority/all of your current home and then you can focus on giving yourself and your children the best life you can - he will do the same, but you dont need to facilitate that anymore.

There's no point taking whatever minimal amount he'll think is reasonable (no amount would be). Guaranteed you'll be the one paying 100% of the nursery bills, taking time off for sick children etc. Get yourself a decent lawyer and fight for what is in the best interests of your children.

Send him an invoice for looking after his child during your mat leave

The f kind of twat did you marry???! Jesus...

He has significant savings off your back. You are entitled to more than just 50% of the equity of the house. Take what you are entitled to

Either he takes the shared parental leave split equally with you and takes the hit on salary, pension and career prospects or you share expenses for the duration

I don’t believe in the Mumsnet way of one shared income and outgoings. My partner and I value very different things. We both work FT and therefore contribute 50:50. We also spend our disposable income very differently and invest in our future differently.

However during mat leave you are covering something he isn’t, therefore you need to financially cross charge him for that service. 50% of the hit you’ve taken.

Anything less and it’s a one way ticket to divorce for me

This 100% 👆🏻

The difference being that him loosing his job wasn’t a joint decision that you both decided it would be a good idea for him to stay home for 9 months.
You being pregnant and having a baby I assume WAS a joint decision where you both decided you wanted to have another child. You then sacrificed your body, health and job to look after your newborn baby for maternity leave AND to heal because you just birthed a baby!!!
Ultimately he should have WANTED to help you out financially. I have a strong feeling that you ended up doing the bulk of the night feeds, childcare, looking after the house ect whilst on maternity leave with him using “going to work” as an excuse and that it was your “job” whilst you were at home not doing anything? 🙄

Yes, quite!! 😂

I continued to pay 50% of everything on maternity leave, but I got a good deal from my company and my assists are worth 3 times what his are. Even if he was off work for 9 months he has 2 properties 🤯

Please, for all that is holy, stop listening to him. Remember that knowledge is power.

so, you must do your homework - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies (or another book about divorce), gather ALL financial documentation and have a look at Form E. Then see an experienced family solicitor.

This is the time to look after your own best interests and by implication your children’s. Once a financial consent order is in place there is no going back, so you need to be proactive and really focus on getting the best settlement you can.

What drugs is he smoking 🤣 is he planning on having the kids full time and paying the childcare fees so he can work ? Honestly I'm sure these men think we're clueless and just believe the crap coming out of their mouths like we dont have all our ducks in a row beforehand .

Yanbu but because I know how my DH fritters money I made sure I had saved enough to add to my ML and only needed a month top up. Ideally he should have paid more and would have, however as older parents and years of waiting for DC I pre empted the finances so had chance to save. Xxx