To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Threads like this make me want to Weep.
Just weep. What kind of human is he. Who treats his wife like this?
I swear to god, i cant even anymore. I despair of men like this, i really do.
How the fuck does anyone even talk to them never mind have children.
Not a dig at you OP, he should be ashamed every day to wake up and be the person he is.
Leave the tight fucker. Just tell him shove his "marriage" up his hole. This is not a marriage. It really isnt.
Im 25 years married, Living together nearly 35.
Not once has DH asked me to pay anything when i was either out of work, on mat leave or a SAHM. He picked up the tab all the time, and manys a time we had nothing, and I mean nothing. I was never ever made to feel i wasnt pulling ,my weight. What with me having pushed put 3 humans he put there in the first fucking place.
Money was to make HIS FAMILY comfortable. and it still is.
Im so upset for you. If this was my DD, id fucking brain him.

Just to say that this is unlikely to be the best use of money - forgoing pension contributions in favour of paying off student loan. The earlier you can pay into your pension, the better. This is backed up by Martin Lewis who also says that it’s usually (for the majority) not worth trying to pay back extra on student loans to try and reduce the amount of interest accruing. Instead just pay the minimum repayments (usually through PAYE) and use the money elsewhere more wisely, eg pension or reducing mortgage etc.

To be honest, I agree with him here, that it is the same as you being on maternity leave. The difference is that I think you should both support each other financially.

He needs to contribute more when you can’t. Failing that, he can contribute more if you divorce

Absolutely prioritise pension contributions over paying off debt, especially student loans.

Most people have only hazy awareness of what compound interest actually means in hard numbers, but it’s really useful to crunch the numbers.

Not much to add that others haven't said, I just wanted to say: be brave and be strong - you've a tough road ahead, but you and your children will be in a better situation at the end of it.

Your husband sounds like a gaslighter, so please don't listen to a word he says about what you'll be due Vs what he'll be due, and try to forget all the little earworms he's implanted which are causing you doubts and worries. He will have only slanted things in his favour.

As someone else beautifully said, you're not being greedy, you're looking after your children. Don't walk away from what you are due because you don't want to be difficult, fight for what you and your children deserve.

I find it weird that you have kids and are married and don’t have a joint account and share all expenses and wages

Take everything you are entitled too and more if you can - you have a long road ahead of you with this tight bastard who wil no doubt use his company and paying himself dividends to scree you maintenance wise!

What an absolute cunt op. he is more bothered about money than his wife and children fucking arsehole I hope you get everything you are entitled to and if necessary if you did have to pay him maintenance reduce your days in work he should be paying you to keep a roof over his kids head and food on the table it’s probably best you are getting out now who cares if his mates don’t pay more the point being is he’s earning more than you at this time and should pay up for his family.

My husband was like this, it was all on my shoulders as I was the bread winner and it was expected to continue, he never paid a penny towards nursery fees and he just watched as I just struggled on. I left him, met a new amazing supportive partner and my ex is now lonely and skint without me. Give him an ultimatum to change or show him the consequences OP.

He doesn't love you or care about you, that's all this has shown and now time to move on. Get what your entitled to and listen to your lawyer and not his vitriole.
Make sure you got good strong support around you in real life. He sounds awful.

Couples rarely do these days

You should never be doing exactly 50/50. It should always be proportional to your earnings, e.g if he earns 25% more than you, then he should pay 5/9ths of the bills. On maternity leave, the % should drop so he is paying more. Did he think children were free? He has to cover the expenses of them fairly,

(And I paid 100% of the bills as my DH was a stay at home dad with zero income. So I am talking from the perspective of the higher earner/breadwinner here)

I don’t have any practical advice but I just wanted to wish you luck and say I think you have done the right thing in your divorce application. He sounds selfish and greedy and I hope that you and your little ones get a happy future without him, you deserve so much better.

Well that’s just tough shit isn’t it. You’re married. You can have 50% of the family home and his rental properties. And maybe some of his pension. I’d take him for every penny.

I wonder why - what changed. Keeping finances separate doesn’t make sense for most couples, especially if there is a disparity in earnings and/or childcare responsibilities.

Except the reason she was on maternity and in that position is because she had had their joint child. He does have responsibilities in that situation

I think people nowadays value keeping a semblance of financial independence.
We have a joint account which we both pay into. We pay in different amounts each, so we both have the same amount "left over". This leftover money is ours.
As someone who has been financially independent since the age of 18, the thought of spending money (on clothes, coffees, etc) from a joint pot and bit having my own money makes me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy.

Why would you have a baby with a man like this?

Financially abusive twat. he's not in this with you. The sooner you divorce him the better I suspect.

Well it's not at all, because the maternity leave is a direct result of the baby that YOU BOTH created. Also, presumably he had enough money to keep him going over his period of unemployment? He wasn't having to scrounge from family? If he did have to, then tbqh it would have been out of order for you not to cover him. But it sounds like that wasn't the case.

I was in the same position. I'm still recovering financially 8 years later.

Normally Im in the ‘work on your marriage’ camp rather than itb but on this occasion ltb. For me that’s abuse. He sounds like a right knob.

Due to my parents failing health and me being their sole carer, he sat me down and said you can stop working if it will help with your parents and went through all our finances showing how we’ll manage.

I’m old enough to take slightly early retirement (full retirement is only a few years off) so I chose to do this. He hadn’t factored me earning anything into our finances so refused to let me contribute to the household in anyway and insisted he still give me money on top each month to do with as I please. He pays my phone, car etc from our joint account. He wants me to be free to care for my parents

He washes their cars, mows their lawns and trims their bushes, changes their beds plus all decorating and diy so helps with my parents at the weekends

as far as he’s concerned, I am working full time. At home he Hoovers, does all the washing/ironing, sometimes cooks (I prefer to do this), changes the beds plus all the outside jobs etc. He pulls his weight. I’m betting your dh does none of that

you deserve so much more

So you are bearing HIS kids and caring for HIS kids and he thinks you should also be paying 50% of bills while not working. What is HIS contribution to the family right now? YOU are taking a huge financial hit + physical hit + you got a loan???

Huh? Wtf? So you blame a victim of financial abuse for not pre empting her husband's abuse or making provisions for it?

My god, get back to doing your hoovering will you!