To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

So if you'd gone almost straight back to work and he'd taken parental leave for 12 months (which a couple I know did), he wouldn't have expected anything financial from you?

As others have said, what an absolute twat.

This is financial abuse. You’re not slacking off on a jolly, you’re sacrificing career and salary to bring his children into the world. What a selfish chancer he is!
argh! So many shitty men being described tonight.
bin them all off!

Why do you feel uneasy.

If you let the judge rule for you, the law says that money is as much yours as his

If you don’t take him for everything he has got then he will be in a position to take everything from you in the future.

Please stop listening to him he knows shit all

FWIW I helped a friend out with her divorce. She hadn’t worked for years (disabled) Children all off at University and working.

The marital home was in his name only. His business was in his name only, the rental properties were in his name only

He said as he earned the money then it was all his and she would leave with nothing

She walked away with 60% Her share was the mortgage free marital home (very high 6 figures) and he had to pay her a large sum of money. He took his business, a rental property and some savings and his pension.

He was a a*hole to her when she started the process and was settling for a small flat till a few of her friends got involved and brought her to her senses.

We can guarantee that if she has settled on a small 2 bed flat he would have still bartered her down to a studio in a grim area.

Look on this as it doesn’t matter how little you want he will still reduce it. You aren’t saving yourself trouble you are just storing it up for down the line.

Dont listen to him he knows nothing and if his friends are financially abusing their wives and expecting them to pay for their maternity leave then don’t be surprised to see distance put between him and them because they don’t want their wives getting the same idea

Could you imagine what would happen if their wives saw you and what you could get and decided to do the same

I'm so glad you are divorcing this man. What a piece of shit. Please find the strength to get what you can out of him because he has certainly taken it out of you.

But you were doing 100% of the childcare I take it?

Staying with this fucker is what will ruin the children's lives.

Oh and keep hold of the children's passports if you are scared about the abroad thing. I highly doubt he'll end up with 50/50 childcare and you paying him maintenance. Especially if you leave him now.

Sop feeling uneasy about the deposit he placed on the house. It doesn’t sound like he has contributed equally in other areas. Speak to a lawyer and get as much as you can. You owe this to your dc.

Why did you go back a second time knowing what a tight arse he is?

When I had my first we didn't spend as much throughout the pregnancy as we normally did so we built up joint savings in that account. Whilst I was being paid during the maternity leave I reduced what I put in proportionally so if my take home pay was 70% I paid in 70% of what I would usually put in. My partner increased the amount he paid in a little but we weren't now paying for my commuting costs and other outgoings had changed a little as well as the joint account having more of a buffer in it than usual it wasn't necessary for him to fully make up the difference. In the last 3 months when I wasn't being paid I didn't pay anything into the joint account, he continued to pay in a the slightly raised amount and kept an eye on the account. Had we needed he would have topped it up but as was this was unnecessary.

I went back to work on 80%FTE with bonus I earned the same as him and without I earned slightly less. I paid 45% of the costs and he paid 55% which reflected our difference in earnings, if I got a good bonus I recalculated the difference and paid a one of top up.

I'm on my second mat leave at the moment and was made redundant in Feb. I've not touched my redundancy for house costs, my partner has taken on all of the household finances. My maternity allowance is paid into the joint account and we have set up a direct debit from the joint account paying into my private pension.

Our contribution for our first house was unequal, the deposit was 4:1 in his favour although all buying costs and mortgage payments came out of the joint accounts with whatever split we decided was fair at that point of income. We didn't have our civil partnership when we bought this house so we had a deed of trust in place stipulating how we both agreed to split the house reflecting my partners higher deposit. We redid this when we moved to the next house after having child 1. The following year we had our civil partnership and haven't redone it as our situation is not the same as when we bought the first house and it's no longer appropriate to use that split for dividing assets and we will work out what is fair should it be necessary to split.

Maternity leave hasn't been the only time we have and a mismatch if salaries. I worked before going back to uni and then I was still studying whilst he had gone back into work. We adjusted finances and lifestyle according to the person with the lower income and discussed together what was a fair contribution. We got a joint account as soon as we were living together and quite quickly decided that we were going to use it for nearly everything. We would see friends who lived with their boyfriend/girlfriend buying one another drinks to make or splitting meal bills according to what each of the couple had eaten and we just couldn't be bothered it was easier to just pay out of the joint account and enjoy the evening.

It is easy to be a supportive boyfriend/husband when the going is good. You really see their true side when the chips are down and you need them. When a person shows you who they are listen. Stand strong.

Don't fall into the trap of accepting a settlement that allows you to just about manage now. You need to think longer term and think about the longer term costs of two children and their needs as they grow.

Think of it as getting what you need - not for you, but for your children. He has shown that he has no intention of providing for them while you're married, so that will doubtless continue after the divorce.

I really find separate money bizarre when you have a family together.

Having to go to family above your husband for financial support. This seems really cold hearted of him.

This.

This is honestly baffling to me. I just came off mat leave and my husband paid the mortgage for the entire time and covered most other big expenses. It is genuinely outrageous for him to expect you to cough up the same each month given the discrepancy between your earnings and also you were doing the heavy lifting in raising yours and his child?! You deserve somebody who steps up when it’s needed you’re meant to be a team.

I’ve read all your updates and I hope you get a really good settlement. I’d make it very clear what’s happened on each mat leave! x

He can want that all he likes - he legally doesn’t have that right. It’s either 50/50 or if you had more need of the house as you were doing the majority of the childcare etc or had otherwise lower earnings you might even be able to argue for more. It’s the marital home so it’s marital property even he bought it 100 percent himself (unless you’d had a super short marriage with no children).

Did he do 50% of the pregnancy and birth? No, didn’t think so.

If his accountant is good, you paying a forensic accountant would be a good idea.
There is every likelihood he will hide money.
Get every penny you can.
He is not to be trusted.

Are you genuinely wondering if this is right? What is the matter with you? You are being financially abused. You are raising his child. Woman up! Why are you allowing yourself to be trampled on? Leave him and take half his money to pay off your debts.

Good news is half your debts (not sure about the student loans but maybe, and make sure your family lending you money is documented as a real debt) are shared as well :)

Please consider contacting Womens Aid because he is abusive in the way that he controls the money & if he's controlling the money he is sure to be abusive in other ways too.

All of us need a little help to navigate the waters ahead.

Hubby totally unreasonable to expect this.
You both agreed to having a baby and starting a family so why has he not considered this situation it's not fair on you x

Work out what childcare would have been and make him pay half. Awful behaviour.

I am probably old school but I have been married for 25 years and from day one both our salaries are paid into a joint account. We don’t have separate accounts apart from ISA’s. I think your husband is being a dick. Can’t believe you are having to borrow from your family. He should be providing for the family.

Do NOT give him the deposit. Rinse the odious dick for all he’s worth.

Your husband’s a dick.