To not give SIL her engagement ring back?

[NameChangerAlaina]

DB proposed to SIL with an heirloom ring that has been in the family (in one form or another) for generations; they are now married.

A few years ago, DB and SIL separated due to her family and money; basically DB got to the point where he was refusing to “lend” them anymore and SIL was furious. The final straw was when SIL sold the engagement ring to a pawn shop, gave the money to her family and told DB that if he wanted the ring he’d have to go and buy it back; it was basically a workaround to force him into (indirectly) giving her family the money. SIL was 100% sure DB would get the ring back as obviously it’s a family ring however DB point blank refused “on principle” and instead walked out.

DB told me the whole story as he moved in with me and with his blessing, I went and bought the ring in order to keep it in the family. Now just to be crystal clear for the avoidance of any doubt as it’s MN where some people like to cancel the cheque; SIL SOLD the ring to the shop and I BOUGHT IT from them (for an extremely inflated price I might add as I had to explain the situation). I have the receipt and record of the card transaction so the ring is now legally mine.

Fast forward to now and despite reconciling 2 years ago (they were separated for a year) it seems it’s only just come up in conversation between the two of them that I now have the ring. Now that SIL knows, she’s been hounding me nonstop to give her the ring as it “means the world” to her, my grandad wanted DB’s wife to have it, she regrets what she did, it’s so sentimental to her yada yada yada. When I told her how much I paid for it she basically told me it was my own fault for “paying over the odds” and offered me £100 (which is really cheeky considering she sold it for 4k never mind what I paid).

Now as far as I’m concerned, if I hadn’t paid over the odds, the ring would have gone to someone else so she’d be without it anyway and my grandad most certainly would not have wanted her to have it if he’d have known she’d sell it (he wanted it to stay in the family). I also don’t really care about how much it means to her as quite frankly it can’t mean all that much if she sold it.

DB is very much of the opinion that it’s now my ring (was originally willed to him) and I should keep it since he knows it has sentimental value to me and others in the family; he also made an offhand comment that he wouldn’t put it past her to sell it again as they’re “not as solid” as he’d like due to her family.

Now considering DB supports my decision and it was originally his ring, would I be unreasonable to keep it? My plan is to leave it to DB’s DD from a previous relationship thereby keeping it in his family anyway.

It's your ring. Be sure to wear it in social media posts that she'll see. Make sure it's locked away safely whenever she's around. She's a CF.

Of course you keep it.

But please, have it professionally cleaned (or clean it yourself so that it sparkles) and wear it around your SIL.

She is a horrible piece of work.

It's your ring legally and morally. Lovely idea to pass it on to your niece - hopefully not for a very long time. Don't give her any more headspace.

Keep the ring!!

She needs to take a running jump. Had a third party bought the ring before you did, it would be gone forever from both her and the family for whom it's an heirloom.

I hope you have a great Christmas, OP. Would you consider handing the ring directly to your niece? I guess SIL is potential stepmum and could continue the saga down the track. I think it’s really important to be clear about this to your brother and your niece.

SIL sounds like a piece of work.

She sold a family heirloom to a pawn shop and someone bought it. Tough luck.

I don’t think I could have much to do with someone like that. She sounds like scum.

This.

This.

This.

You are a wonderful aunt to your DN...she'll always love and respect you for this. Well done on the safe and the will. I'd add a long letter in it for DN to read which explains the situation in full.

And I'm sorry about your illness, but hope that what you've done for DN will mean your kindness and love will be with her always.

My word, she sounds like a right piece of work.
Next time she brings it up tell her to get fed and you don't buy any of her bullshitt and you won't be having this conversation anymore. The ring is yours legally, she didn't care enough about the ring or the grandad before selling it and as far as you're concerned case closed and if she continues to bring it up just walk away. Each and every time.

I’d 100% keep it and probably snap at her to stop asking because you wouldn’t change your mind. If she wants a new ring that badly, she can go buy one

It’s nice to see a brother sticking by his sister’s decision in this scenario, I often see posts of this sort (not this exact situation but DB with difficult SIL) and he’s always enamoured with his girlfriend/wife to the detriment of the family. Keep the ring, she cannot be trusted with it and she will do it again when the relationship inevitably falls apart again as she knows the pain it caused last time.

You know she'll steal it if she can?

Thank you

Wear your ring. Enjoy it. The last thing you should ever do is give it back to your SIL.

Not unreasonable!!It's your family, you bought it. She can GTF! Yours fair and square. What a bitch.

Sell it back to her, which it sounds like she probably won't do, or tell her you sold it without doing so. Frankly though, she sounds like a right kn 0 b

I'd keep it and well hidden at that.

You could suggest your brother buys another one if she wants a ring. Maybe as a fresh start as they have reconciled.

Anyone who is says YABU is off their heads. Keep the ring it is now yours your DB should never have told that you had bought it back. I think your plan is the best thing to do with the ring and I’m sure your niece would love to have the family ring when she’s older.

Thank you all for all your comments and well wishes, I really do appreciate it! I’ll try to answer some of your questions.

With regards to SIL being able to access money; at the time (not anymore) DB and SIL had joint finances and out of that, they each got the same amount of “personal spends” each month to do whatever they wanted with. SIL had been helping her family with her money which was her prerogative and DB had been putting some of his money away for his DD; it is the money DB had been putting away for my DNiece (well a portion of it) that SIL wanted DB to lend her family which he refused; that’s why she came up with her workaround as she assumed he’d use the savings to buy back the ring.

DB and SIL both have one child each from previous relationships but don’t have any together. DB, DNiece and the rest of us are all very close to SIL’s son though which is partly why I think DB went back (unfortunately SIL didn’t let DB, DNiece or the rest of us see him during their separation). DSNephew is a very much loved part of our family so rightly or wrongly, we are all still amicable with SIL despite her behaviour; that’s also why I’m keeping the peace by hosting her for Christmas because if she doesn’t come then neither does DSNephew.

DNiece is aware of the ring situation and I know she will treasure it as much as the rest of us. It’s in my will that the ring goes to her (the rest of my family know and agree) however the nature of my illness means I’ll know when I’m on my last lap so to speak so my plan is to personally give it to her before I reach the finish line.

The ring is not cursed (that made me smile) nor am I a “tad jealous”; there is a lot of love and sentiment tied up in that ring and my only intention was for it to stay in the family. I would have been equally happy if one of my siblings had bought the ring for example; the only reason I have it is because that’s how the chips fell.

Unfortunately I had no choice but to tell the pawn shop the full story because when I went there, the ring wasn’t in their displays and I had no luck by nonchalantly asking if they had anything else in stock etc. I knew (from their website) that they also sold through private sales and auction houses so I had no choice but to come clean as I couldn’t risk losing it; it was actually a good thing too as they had set the ring aside for a personal shopper! Unfortunately it meant I paid through the nose but it was the only way.

To those saying to direct SIL towards my DB, she was actually having no luck with him which is why she started hounding me. Like some of you said, she was initially trying to get him to get the ring from me but he kept shutting it down so she thought I might be a softer touch; he’s also refused to buy her another engagement ring and told her to use the 4k she got to replace it herself. It came up in conversation between the two of them when she saw me wearing the ring in a picture on social media and said to him that she was going to ask me where I got it as it was so similar which is when he told her it wasn’t similar but the same one.

I know I’m not being unreasonable but as another poster said, my friend is normally the voice of reason and spot on with her advice so when she made a case for SIL it did give me pause for thought which is why I thought I’d ask here. Don’t worry you’ve all set me straight though so I’ll stick to my guns.

Sadly I have no doubt that SIL probably would try to steal it back like some of you have said so on Christmas Day I’ll have it locked away in the safe that no one knows about (as I’ll be hosting I’ll need to remove rings when cooking / washing up so won’t risk it by wearing it).

Good idea about the replica though, it’s too late for christmas now otherwise I could have had one made and left in my bedroom or somewhere to see if she’d take it!

Id be inclined to make a replica anyway....

Depends- 2 sides to every story, she sold it when they were having trouble, and now they’re back together so it has symbolism again.

Id say tough. She sold it because she couldn't get her hands on her stepdaughters money that her father had put aside for her, and then now wants to get given a ring back that she got £4k for! OP's DB doesn't sound enamoured with her. Obviously I don't know anyone in this but this relationship is clearly not going to last, so to keep going in and out of her poor child's life would be worse surely?