For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

I don't think it was uncommon

I don’t think that makes it right

I think that was the methods of the time, not saying that its right, but that it was commonplace and it was how people were told to discipline children.

YANBU to reduce contact if their actions continue to mean you dont want to be around them or have your children round them.

YABU if you blame it on the 80s parenting methods. Time has moved on, youd have far more clout for basing any decision uou make on the facts of today, not 40 years ago.

Let it go. Stop looking for problems
Enjoy your life

It depends - some things were of their time, and perfectly normal. Other things weren’t. 🤷‍♀️

What you describe as pretty normal in the 50/60s, my childhood, but I had my kids in the 70’s, and all of it wasn’t. 🤷‍♀️

I can’t say any my childhood bothered me as an adult, but each to their own.

I suppose it depends on what you want from calling anything out now. 🤔

Smacking was normal …it was only banned in schools in 1986

Sent to bed without tea .. again, fairly common, it was one meal, you weren’t being starved.

Mouth washed out with soap - happened in my primary school in the 70s

Conventions (and laws) change

Yes it was. Perhaps not in the 1950s or earlier, but not in the 70s. You have every right to go NC, OP but imo its only fair to tell people why especially parents. I'd do it by letter rather than face-to-face, as that will probably end badly with denials, minimising, etc. A letter gives them time to consider a response if they intend to give one, and avoids further fall-out in real time for you. A slow withdrawal as some suggest might suit you better OP, but what will happen if when they are older they still expect you to help them if they did not realise how you feel? If you have told them that you are going NC and why, they won't be expecting anything from you. If you tell them what was wrong, manage your own expectations - as they are virtually certain not to respond in the way you would like.🙁

All these things were common in the 80s where I lived (home counties). My parents did them, my aunts did them to their kids, people in the street smacked their kids in front of strangers, the teachers caned us at school, washed our mouths out with soap and dragged us around, and parents approved of this. Society was very hostile to children.
If you feel negatively about your parents and feel like reducing contact, that’s completely up to you. But if you expect them to see your point of view you’ll probably be disappointed.

Going back to your post, i'm 51 now. So i was born in the 70s. It was common, or it was common in my class/area of the country.

In my childhood I can remember I had my mouth washed out with soap, I was sent to bed with no dinner, I was hit with a ruler on my hands for misbehaving (teacher), I was slapped full handed across my legs for misbehaving, leaving big red mark. I was threatened with the belt, I was told "wait til you're father gets home" as a threat to make me dread his return for some misbehaving. I didnt raise my children the same because I wasnt told that was how you discipline a child, I wasnt advised that the belt or the threat was the only way, wasnt advised to beat out the cheek of them, quite the opposite! The times moved on, when I had my children the advice had shifted. Parents of the 70s didnt have the advice you have, didnt have the knowledge or the wealth of information. Yes some of them probably would have been horrible anyway, but a lot of them probably not?

Quote honestly you need to let your past go. You cant change it, you cant gain anything from stewing over it and blaming your past for everything thats wrong with your today.

This was common back in the day.

All these things happened to me and my siblings too, It was always fun when the washing tongs were pulled out!

Obviously it's all very personal and there are degrees of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but I tend to think it was a different time and we were parented the way our parents were parented and they didn't know any better.

I try not to look at how we were reared through a 2025 lens; it's not massively helpful, and at some point, we all need to move on.

To be honest, from what you have written, this really doesn't sound abusive from what you have said.

At the time parenting was harsher. Many parents approached parenting in the same way - it was an accepted method at the time. You are being unreasonable to judge your parents for this.

I can almost guarantee that your children will also look back at your parenting and also have a complaint about something. But (I assume) you are doing the best you can with the information you have and within the constraints life has thrown at you. Society changes, and what is (or is not) acceptable changes from generation to generation. Each firmly believing they have the right approach, and all those that have gone before them are wrong.

Reducing contact seems overkill. Unless there is a whole lot more to the story.

My children were born in the 1980s and this wasn't normal parenting at all in my experience. I would never have washed a child's mouth out with soap or send my kids to bed with no food. This sounds more like 50s and 60s parenting by parents who were born before the 2nd World War. I would call it abusive parenting.

No but ,schools were still regularly hitting children for minor misdemeanor, s until 1986 ( I think)
So I wasn't an uncommon punishment .

Life's too short, let it go. It's not abuse. It would be if done today. But it was a different time and they were doing things that was acceptable then. You'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you don't care about a relationship with your parents or are actively looking for a reason to cut them off then knock yourself out.

I don’t know why the soap shocks me more but it really really does. It was done in the 80s but my parents didn’t do any of it. Common might be pushing it. Scary people thought it was all ok, I wonder if they felt guilt

I was born in the late 50s and none of that happened to me apart from having my legs smacked and that didn't happen very often.

These may have been acceptable punishments in the 1970s but I would still judge the parents that used them, as it was a choice to inflict quite significant pain and humiliation on their own children.

It was pretty bad looking back and it was 1990s I think. It wasn’t like it was even shouting and swearing in someone’s face I just asked

Washing your mouth out with soap and water was commonly threatened, but I don't know anyone it was actually done to so I would say uncommon

I'm sorry but youre very wrong.

Having children born in the latter part of the 80's to children born in the early 70s is hugely different. A whole generation if you like, This isnt the 50s and 60s parents as you seem to think. I was born mid 70s and still was hit by a teacher with a ruler. It wasnt illegal til 1986.

For the 80s that was pretty extreme. And my Mum also didn’t get any of that growing up. Nor my gran I’d guess.
So while I can remember be smacked once it was rare.

It’s still abuse, time doesn’t change that. It wasn’t criminal but it was still unkind. Especially to plan it and both watch

Parents work with the advice of the day. They're usually just trying to do their best. Hitting, especially, was seen as the only way to stop your child growing up into a horrible person. Cut them some slack if they're decent to you now. I'm sure they grew up.with far worse.

Have you posted about this before OP? It sounds very familiar, I feel I've read it more than once.

I don't think it sounds great but I don't think it was abuse. If you won't want to have contact with your parents that is entirely your choice and you don't need internet strangers to validate it, but I don't think it's helpful to turn what seems like strict parenting but within the bounds of normal for the time into something abusive.

It also wasn't uncommon for other kids parents to smack either
I vaguely remember my friends mum ,[ who also child minded me and my sister ) smacking all three of us i can't remember why .