For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

My husband told me his dad made him get in baths that were way too hot. I had to point out his dad was an abusive prick (he also used to hit his kids, but with the handle of a feather duster) his dad always acted like hurting kids was ok and if they were naughty they deserved it. (Didn't stop him belting his granddaughter on the thigh with the feather duster handle thinking it was funny in 2010, I was the only one who had a go at him while her mum acted like nothing happened)

Sorry to hear that and I hope you are dealing with it in the best way you can. I can understand there was a level of acceptance of smacking in the moment for example siblings fighting. My mum would count up punishment during the day from very minor things, like not sitting straight enough at the table or my bedroom not passing inspection then that would be the number of snacks. So I was always worried and on edge.

One here, 1980s kid. They weren't physical, but hugely emotionally abusive fucked up "parents" (another country).
Let's say they both got what they deserved, nothing more and nothing less.

I grew up in the 70s .our single long suffering darling Mum threatened us with stuff like this but it never actually happened. The cane was a thing in school though , a rare occasion but quite a deterrent to be told to stand outside the head masters office !

Hi OP, can you explain what you mean by arranging the smack? And what do you mean by smack? A little tap on the wrist or a full on slap, etc?

Also op, you are going to get a lot of people minimising this on here because:
a) They find it hard to process that, even if it was ‘the done thing’ and ‘well intended,’ their own parenting was abusive.
b) They find it hard to process that how they were treated by their own parents as children was abusive. Before I had kids, I didn’t fully comprehend how unacceptable smacking was.

So really only you can know to what extent your parents actions were abuse and take your own judgement. (The danger of treating our children badly is that we will be judged one day. No amount of ‘it was the times blah, blah, blah, will prevent children for growing up and making their own judgment. Parents can’t be in control forever.)

The benchmark I use for an adult’s behaviour is: would they accept the same being done to them by someone in authority?
For example, a person believes a child who does something wrong will learn from a spanking. Would that person also accept their boss spanking them for doing something ‘wrong’? After all it’s for their ‘learning’.

People never accept this, as the physical abuse is never about the child’s needs. It’s always about the adult’s inability to manage their own emotions.

I’m sorry you experienced this @Welshmum2010 💐
Whatever you decide take care of yourself x

If it was as a punishment it was absolutely normal.

Exactly this.The utter lack of feeling on this thread from many is bizarre.

I can only imagine people are closer to OP’s parents age and see this as normal.

Smacking was normal during my childhood years (70s and 80s) and was actively encouraged by conservative Christian ‘experts’. So my parents were both guilty of that. I still have a relationship with my DM, who regrets it now accepting it as wrong. (My F was guilty of far worse things but is long dead.)

Washing a child’s mouth out with soap was definitely not considered normal then, though, to my recollection; it was abuse then and it's abuse now.

I think if you otherwise have a healthy relationship with your parents and you see them as good people, you would possibly do lasting damage to your relationship.
Times were different, I remember sitting on my DM's lap on a bench seat in the front of our car. No car seats, no seat belts or air bags. It struck me how different those times were when reading a thread about a poster worrying about her daughter being 132 cms and not using a booster when driven by a friends DM.
Only you know if this is something you can't get over. Think carefully.

What is your relationship with them now @Welshmum2010?
Are you able to speak calmly and without any blaming with them ? Can you discuss what happened with them ?
I don't think they were any better or worse than a lot of parents tbh. My father sexually abused me and my Mum attempted suicide several times in front of me , as a child, so l realise l am probably suffering from disassociation and may not see your childhood as badly as you do.
However this is not a competition l am merely explaining my thinking.

Agree with all of this.

What do you hope to achieve by cutting off your parents?

Were they otherwise good parents? How are they as parents now? Talk to them about it if you must. Maybe they have regrets/things they'd do differently?

Maybe just forgive and forget. None of what you've described is unforgivable, in my opinion.

IMO all physical punishment belongs firmly in the past, but I do agree with you that there are too many badly behaved kids these days that receive no form of discipline whatsoever. I realise it's often harder when additional needs are in the mix, but setting those aside it is absolutely possible to teach most children to behave, and impose consequences, without resorting to hitting them. I see so much nonsense peddled on MN about how you 'can't' stop kids doing this or that, paired with defensive comments like 'what do you want me to do, hit them?' when this is challenged. It's pure batshit.

I was born in the early 1970' and no, this was not normal, even then. I can remember being smacked on the back of my leg once only by my mum.

I am sorry that you experienced this. It must be very hard. I think I would tell my parents that I now know how wrong it was and yes, I would be a bit more distant.

What you are describing there wasn’t normal.

When I commented and said a lot of kids got smacked back then, it was all in the heat of the moment smacks. What you’ve just described is weird. It sounds like she was deliberately looking for problems that weren’t even problems to punish you for. Now that sounds very different and abusive. Did you get smacked every day?

This was common but it doesn't make it right. My mother never did the things you mentioned (she was very abusive to me but not physically) but I know a lot of people that it did happen to and it's very much approached as a fact of life. Parents in the 80s weren't great in general, do you remember the "do you know where your children are?" adverts?

I guess you have to ask yourself what you will get from having this discussion with them and what do you think it will achieve. I can imagine it'll be a highly emotional and frustrating conversation with very little back.

I don’t think any of that was normal. I was raised around the same era and whilst I had the odd smack on the back of my legs no one was sticking soap in my mouth. Cut them out if you think it will help you.

My parents did all this in the 90s/00s but I don't think many others did.

To be honest I wouldn't bother explaining your feelings to your parents because they will probably double down on it.

So not a smack at the time of an incident. As in don’t do that and smack in the moment. They’d say that’s 5 smacks later and I’d get them in the evening and they could be built up to 10 or more.

I'm surprised by these comments. No, this was NOT 'common' in the eighties. At least, not 'common' in the sense of unexceptional/unremarkable/widespread. Maybe in the sense of rough/low class. Middle and upper class parents were not discipling children that way as late as the eighties. Whatever your social class, that is abusive. Something doesn't have to be absolutely drastic to be abuse. I would have no hesitation in cutting your parents off.

I think all those things were normal where i grew up, i know kids who had much worse things done to them as punishment. things like getting a glass ashtray thrown at them, hit with a broom handle with lots of other examples.

Some of those things were done to me but i just see it as one of those things. I'm not interested in going over old ground with my parents about it and i don't think it affects me.

OP do you have kids. Do you allow them a phone and to go on social media.
In 20 years time that may be considered abusive and lazy parenting. How will you justify it to your children.
Whilst it may not apply to you if you don’t have children it could apply to many of us and is an example of how parenting norms might change in the future to be very different to how they are now/were 5 years ago.

That is completely irrelevant because it has nothing to do with physical abuse which is an intentional act. Presumably, if your mum had had the right information and equipment she would have at least had you in a seatbelt. (We always wore a seatbelt in the 80’s and 90’s) There is also nearly twice the amount of traffic on roads now and laws about car seats.