For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

I was born in '79. I was smacked occasionally in the moment of me 'misbehaving', but the rest didn't happen to me or my sibling. I'm annoyed enough that I was smacked so I don't blame you for feeling that way about your parents.

'I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something.'

I think the fact that the abuse was being carried out at a certain time and not in the moment as an immediate reaction at the time makes this more sinister.

I can still remember a boy in juniors school being put over the teachers lap and her smacking him, for ages. Her face bright red in anger. The whole class was silent - even then we all knew it was abuse. This was c1981, I would say.

It's not normal, OP. Not now and not then.

Thank you, and what your mother did sounds horrendous. Her actions show complete intent and getting enjoyment out of causing you fear. It’s awful.

I think the one things that makes me realise that I will never forgive my mum for how she treated me and my sister is when I look at my own children. I can’t even bring myself to imagine ever, ever hurting them in the way she hurt us. It’s unfathomable to me. My children mean everything to me, and the thought of treating them like how she treated me, well it makes me feel sick.

A loving parent does not physically hurt, emotionally abuse, mentally harm, control or manipulate their child with fear. They just don’t.

Oh, come on. I do believe that some parents are too lax about social media and screens, but it is absurd to equate that with physical abuse.

Are you under the impression that the middle and upper classes formed the majority of the population in the 80s?

I don't think calling them out on behaviour that was still considered relatively normal is going to help you moving forward.

You can't judge their behaviour from today's standards. 45 years have passed since 1980 - it was a long time ago.

It happened in the 80s. There was a lot of shitty and abusive parenting back then. They were wrong. It may have been common but there were still a lot of people who knew better so I don't think they can blame the times entirely. If they're not remorseful and know better now, don't leave your own children with them.

It's easy to go back and obsess over small details of your childhood - it's a form of self-blaming; that whole "why didn't I see it sooner?" thing. It is healthiest to let that go - not "forgive and forget", by any stretch of the imagination, but to accept that what happened to you in your childhood was wrong and focus on living in the aftermath.

I was born in the 90s and I'd say about half my friends (including me) were smacked as children. The majority of my friends now have great relationships with their parents, because their parents were doing what had been done to them and were misguided but otherwise good, stable people and good parents who were just wrong on the smacking front.

I have no relationship with my parents, because their behaviour from childhood through to now isn't conducive to a healthy relationship. They're two toxic people who realistically had no business getting together and having children, and their toxicity has continued into their childrens' adulthood and started to affect their grandchildren. That's the point where I said enough is enough and cut contact.

Rather than dwell on these things from childhood, it's ok to tell yourself - "these things were wrong, I didn't deserve to have them happen to me, and they were wrong to do it". Then, separately, you can consider your relationship with them now and whether that is something you want to continue.

There are lots of flying monkey types on MN who'll tell you to keep contact and be horrified that anyone could cut off their parents; that's ok - they're limited by their experiences and it's not something that's easy to imagine until you're actually there.

I am from a S Asian family and born in 1972. People are always calling Asian families abusive but I was never hit or had my mouth washed out with soap. My mum fed me some 4 times a day and would never have let me go to bed without food! My dad yelled a bit, that's it.

I don't think any of what the OP describes is normal

It was neither normal nor was it considered normal.

No, but they are my frame of reference and they are significantly minority, if not a majority.

Sounds horrific OP. Just awful. I don't think I could care for a parent who did those things to me.

They don't sound like the add anything positive to your life to be honest, and they do sound particularly cruel to you growing up, I grew up in the 80s/90s and never experienced anything like this.. threatened definitely, but never carried out to the scale you describe.

Generally people of a certain age will accept smacking as a punishment of it's time, 'the done thing', and they are right, but they aren't really considering that you weren't doing anything to deserve it and your parents were pre-emptively punishing you as a way to elevate their standing/authority and keep you in line.. instead of doing it to discipline you for doing something wrong. They sound like awful people who are still doing it to you now, but now they use emotional cruelty and manipulation rather than violence.

You may not get the answers you seek on here as no one has lived your life, but you don't need any reason to remove people from your life who bring you nothing but misery.

You don’t need a reason to reduce contact. If you don’t like them and their treatment of you now you don’t need to justify it.
What you describe wasn’t uncommon for the time.
Was is good parenting no. But each generation will be judged I’m sure next generation will look back at current trends of letting young children have copious amounts of screen time and helicoptering and not letting children develop independence with horror.

From this and your other updates I don't think their treatment was just a sign of the times. They seemed overly strict and the logging smacks for later isn't normal either, im sorry OP.

The soap thing is really terrible. For not knowing the meaning of a word! 😮

I have an old school friend whose mother smacked her and put soap in her mouth in the 80s. Mother now can't understand why her daughter moved continents and never speaks to her.

I remember telling a joke I’d overhead my brother telling a friend, to my dad. I was 7, my brother 14, and I really didn’t understand the joke. My brother ended up having to clean the toilet for a month. My dad was an absolute chauvinist, so my brother was mortified. This was in the 70s. The joke is actually not that funny and not that crude!

That was an 80s thing, usually for swearing. My mother used to threaten to do it all the time although she never did.

Your mum sounds like a right cunt sadist.

My mum was physically abusive to me in the 80s (think throwing me on the floor and repeatedly kicking me in) - she also had terrible MH. As I got older she got better.

While I still see her, I don't have the sort of relationship with her she would like. And I will never leave her alone with my children, which upsets her. But those memories of physical abuse run deep.

My mum was never a sadist. She was fly off the handle angry, but nothing calculated. Your description of your parents suggests they took some pleasure from hurting you.

I'd call them out and demand an apology. I'd also call them out for their shitty behaviour now. They won't apologise, so you will effectively be severing the relationship. Let them go to their graves aghast at your audacity.

But it was "the done thing"
I can't begin to tell you just how often my sister & I were smacked etc. one time I remember shouting at my mum "stop it you'll kill her" whilst she was hitting my sister. Rage took her an my sis really got it.
A friend of mine was always late home not massively 15-20mins every time, her parents called in social services said she was out of control & a bad influence on their younger daughter.......they put her into the care system!
Another friend came for tea my mum saw the bruises on her so got her chatting. Her mum was hitting her with the hoover pipe. My mum called social services. They didn't remove her just told her if it happens again they will intervene.
I'm trying to point out times were very very different in the 80's. I think the majority of us suffered abuse of some time I was a fat kid clothes shopping was the pits standing in c&a in my vest & knickers whilst too small clothes were being yanked off & on me being berated for being so fat.....
Your parents most probably had it a lot harder than you ever did I know mine did & they were doing their best with the examples set to them

This doesn't seem like solid ground to be declaring that smacking was uncommon in that decade. Unless I missed the op asking specifically about what was normal in this much smaller demographic?

Born mid-70s, was smacked and sent to bed without dinner occasionally. My dad was pretty soft though, he was an older parent who adored me, my mum was the one who dealt out the punishments. I didn't rile them up much though as I was a relatively timid child.

I did have a friend whose father used to use a slipper or a belt, can't remember which, to punish her and her sister. He terrified me.

Oh and we were all middle class and lived in a nice area (for what it's worth🙄).

I would ask yourself what you'd want to get from calling them out on it. Is it likely you would get any kind of closure from this, or would it potentially make it more traumatic and harder for you to close that door on the past if they refuse to acknowledge it (which is quite likely).

What are they like with you now? Would it be possible to talk with them about it and ask them questions about it? If you're able to, you might find it more helpful to find out why it happened (not to excuse it, but perhaps there's more to it from their side than you know of), it might also make them more open to listening to how you feel about it rather than just immediately shutting you down and dismissing your feelings.

If you don't have much of a relationship with them now though I'm not sure if you'll get what you need from them at this point. It might be better to keep them at arms length and looking at how you can move past this by yourself.

This is hilarious. Just off the top of my head, I remember a school friend whose father used to take his son to the spinney behind the stables on the land of their large country home to whip him. (Well, cane him actually now I think about it, it was with a stick anyway.)

And my middle class mother smacked my middle class bottom many times.