Page 3 | For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

Welshmum2010 · 2025-12-09T13:21:49+00:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 09/12/2025 14:13

@Welshmum2010 , I’m sorry this is still difficult for you to come to terms with. I understand, I feel my own parents were very unkind at times and I had a hard time coming to terms with that. I don’t think my brother was treated in the same way which doesn’t help. I was a child in the 1960’s & 70’s and I’d say they were harsh even for that time.
My parents probably did the best they could and I forgave them and moved on but it does still make me sad from time to time.
I had my first child in 1990 and my parenting was largely informed by not being like my own parents. I would never have done the things you describe.
When I look at my sons parenting style I can see areas where I could have done better, no one gave me a handbook and now I have to come to terms with that and forgive myself.
I have lost both of my parents now and I miss them. I’m very glad I didn’t allow resentment to interfere with my adult relationship with them and I have some warm happy memories to comfort me.

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:14

Appalled by this thread. I was a child in the 80s, although not from the UK, and my parents never hit me. Even if I had burned the house down my mum and dad would have fed me.

I honestly don’t know why this kind of abuse in the 70s / 80s is seen as so normal in the UK that people can’t even give OP some sympathy.

OP, absolute call them out.

Vivavivavivaviva · 09/12/2025 14:14

@Welshmum2010 it was also common in the 1970s to leave your child in their pram outside of shops while you went in to do your shopping - in fact, you weren’t allowed to take prams inside shops. It would clearly be considered neglect now, leaving a baby unattended in the street. But it wasn’t then.
It was also common in the 1970s for babies to be left outside in the garden in their prams, even in the snow, as it was considered ‘good for them’. I was left outside in the snow, and was also hospitalised as a baby with respiratory problems.. always wondered if there was a link. I think parents in those days thought they were doing the right thing. The old maxim ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ lingered for a long time.

I have decided to close the door on things that have happened in the past. And build my life on positive decisions that I make, going forwards. I think holding onto blame is not particularly emotionally healthy, in certain circumstances.

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:14

Netcurtainnelly · 09/12/2025 13:32

Let it go. Stop looking for problems
Enjoy your life

Are you the same generation as OP’s parents?

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 14:15

OhDonuts · 09/12/2025 14:10

Unfortunately I think the things you mention were very common in the 1980s, everyone I knew growing up was smacked etc. My friends mother would pull her child’s shorts down infront of us and smack their bum if they were naughty on the way to school in Primary.

I think if those things are the only things they have done you will have a difficult time justifying having a go at them because all of the parents of their generation will say they did the same.

It’s like if you go back to the days of kids going up chimneys, working from the age of 11/12, having a cane hung up in their living room for their parents to punish them with (my grandparents generation), - its wrong by todays standards, but was normal by theirs.

In the future all of the iPad/mobile phone kids will probably accuse their parents of neglect.

I think some things are generational rather than abusive IYSWIM.

Totally agree with the ipad, mobile phone stuff.

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:15

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:14

Appalled by this thread. I was a child in the 80s, although not from the UK, and my parents never hit me. Even if I had burned the house down my mum and dad would have fed me.

I honestly don’t know why this kind of abuse in the 70s / 80s is seen as so normal in the UK that people can’t even give OP some sympathy.

OP, absolute call them out.

Call them out - to achieve what?

Thechaseison71 · 09/12/2025 14:16

x2boys · 09/12/2025 14:09

Schools did until 1986
I was born in 1973 and got smacked as a child
Other kids used to talk about getting the slipper.

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I' was born in 71 but don't remember getting smacked. Although my brothers definitely did. One of my brothers regularly was threatened to have his mouth washed out with soap for swearing although unsure if it actually happened.

Going to bed without dinner was commonplace. None of us starved and we all had a good relationship with our parents until they died

Original poster

Welshmum2010 · 09/12/2025 14:16

Agrumpyknitter · 09/12/2025 14:11

You were treated very badly as a child. How may I ask do they treat you now? Is it the more recent relationship with them that has you feeling you would rather break contact with them? Do they treat you warmly, care about you now?

I was beaten as a child and I don’t care how common or uncommon it was. I didn’t go to my father’s funeral because of the way I was treated and disregarded growing up. My mother should have intervened and tried but was stuck in an unhappy marriage until she eventually left when I was 11.

I am close to my mother she shows care and support to me when I was a teenager and now as an adult. If she didn’t I am not sure I would have bothered with her either.

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They are very judgemental of a lot of things me and my children do. They said it was my fault my husband left. They make comments about my home like it needs some maintenance, but I struggle as a single parent working. They just aren’t kind

OP posts:

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:17

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:15

Call them out - to achieve what?

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So OP can get some closure.

Why are so many defending abusive parents? Bizarre.

DramaQueenlady · 09/12/2025 14:17

Smacking was acceptable, schools used belts, and canes! Sending a child to bed without tea, cruel but done. As was washing your child's mouth out with soap. All scary when you look back. But then kids weren't the little shits of today with the you can't touch me attitude and some of the scale. And im not suggesting we batter or belt our kids.

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:19

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:17

So OP can get some closure.

Why are so many defending abusive parents? Bizarre.

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I'm not defending anything - I just don't see the benefit. It sounds like the relationship has completely broken down, just walk away. No need to make a big song and dance about it.

Vivavivavivaviva · 09/12/2025 14:19

Welshmum2010 · 09/12/2025 14:16

They are very judgemental of a lot of things me and my children do. They said it was my fault my husband left. They make comments about my home like it needs some maintenance, but I struggle as a single parent working. They just aren’t kind

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Now this is a different thing - and very unacceptable. I would struggle to continue a relationship with my parents if this were the case.

Blueskies77 · 09/12/2025 14:19

I grew up in the 80s and 90s and a lot of this unfortunately was normal at the time. You’d be better off getting therapy to work through it, as I find that bringing it up with parents will likely lead to denial and gaslighting. You’re right for it making you feel
like shit and these feelings and memories definitely come to the fore once you’ve had children. It’s made me not have a close relationship with my parents where eg i can share everything with them, but I still
enjoy seeing them and spending time together.

LondonLady1980 · 09/12/2025 14:20

Hi OP,

I was born in the early 80s and grew up terrified of my mother. I always kind of knew that the things she did to me and my sister were bad, but I never really delved into it, I just shut it all out…… Ive had a dysfunctional relationship with her my whole life.

However, eight months ago I decided to face it all, and learn the truth about what kind of childhood me and my sister had and the way our mother treated us (from birth trough to our teens), and it was very difficult. I have had counselling to help me deal with it, and to unpick the way I feel about her and the way she treated me as a child, and I haven’t actually spoken to her since.

Just because some of what she did might have been “normal” in those times, the intent, the spite and the cruelty of her actions don’t mean it’s ok. I will never be able to look at her the same way again, and I will always feel differently about her too.

Thechaseison71 · 09/12/2025 14:20

Vivavivavivaviva · 09/12/2025 14:14

@Welshmum2010 it was also common in the 1970s to leave your child in their pram outside of shops while you went in to do your shopping - in fact, you weren’t allowed to take prams inside shops. It would clearly be considered neglect now, leaving a baby unattended in the street. But it wasn’t then.
It was also common in the 1970s for babies to be left outside in the garden in their prams, even in the snow, as it was considered ‘good for them’. I was left outside in the snow, and was also hospitalised as a baby with respiratory problems.. always wondered if there was a link. I think parents in those days thought they were doing the right thing. The old maxim ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ lingered for a long time.

I have decided to close the door on things that have happened in the past. And build my life on positive decisions that I make, going forwards. I think holding onto blame is not particularly emotionally healthy, in certain circumstances.

All that with prams and airing babies still happens in Scandinavian countries though. It won't cause respiratory issues though.

My mum forgot my brother in his pram outside a shop once and got home without him. Then remembered and went back lol. He was being entertained by a couple of old ladies

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:20

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:19

I'm not defending anything - I just don't see the benefit. It sounds like the relationship has completely broken down, just walk away. No need to make a big song and dance about it.

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Ok, I agree OP should walk away, but it’s not making a song and dance to be hurt by childhood abuse.

Are you OP’s parents generation?

OriginalSkang · 09/12/2025 14:21

This stuff was really common in the 80s.

A member of my ex DH's family was washing her kids mouth with soap ten years ago 😣

FluffyBox · 09/12/2025 14:21

OP some people do have toxic parents and if they make you feel shit them it’s your right to feel pissed off. I think it hits hone more the older you get and you wonder how they could be so vile.

My dad went mental and punched my 19 year old brother (his son!) on Boxing Day because he ate the left over turkey. Screaming and shouting and being abusive. He cracked my mams ribs because he pushed her so hard. He used to belt his step daughter over the head if she dared ask for something to eat it just because he felt like it.

She couldn’t cope and turned in to an alcoholic and was pissed every night from I can remember (about 11) and leaving me and my brother to deal with that miserable abusive fucker. The pair of them smoked like chimney and the air was blue yet they refused to open any windows. Same in the car, the pair of them chain smoking without a thought for me. She’ll have smoked and drank right through her pregnancy and when I think back now, I get outraged. There’s no excuses.

Ones dead (through smoking - silly woman) and my ‘dad’ is apparently not coping and is on the verge of dementia and I couldn’t care less and it feels a bit like, the chickens have cone home to roost and you reap what you sow you nasty piece of work.

Hedgehogbrown · 09/12/2025 14:21

I don't know why people are trying to tell you this is normal. No it's not normal, or common. It's abusive and it sounds like they enjoyed it or something. Don't see them if you don't want to. It's fucked up to treat a child like that. All the people on here minimising it needs to ask themselves why they feel the need to do that. Either to cover for their own abusers or because they are abusers themselves.

Kizmet1 · 09/12/2025 14:21

This is horrible. Particularly leaving you to count down to being smacked and the horrible psychological impact that wait must have had. My mum would do similar (she'd say she hadn't decided whether I was getting smacked or not and I think, looking back, she was trying to calm herself down and give me consequences without actually hitting me, but the absolute dread in my stomach for hours was far worse than any smacking!) and as others have said, I don't think these tactics were uncommon, but that doesn't make them any less damaging.
Personally I don't think there is a right answer on calling them out. It might make you feel better, but you might not get a helpful reaction from them, and that in turn might leave you frustrated or more unhappy.

I haven't ever called my mum out, because I do believe she was doing her best even if her best was sometimes bloody horrible. I just make sure that my own daughter is never treated like that.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 09/12/2025 14:21

I don't think that was common at all. My siblings and I weren't smacked, my mum would have gone nuts if we'd been caned or had our mouths washed out with soap at school. None of that happened anyway. That was 80s.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 09/12/2025 14:22

The OP is bothered by this because it sounds as if her parents have done very little to make her feel loved, wanted and safe. It's natural to want to please your parents. When you can see or suspect that nothing g you do will ever be good enough, that has a damaging effect.

My parents were far from perfect but I always knew they loved us. Our home was a warm place, on the whole. That's the crucial difference.

GeorgeEdwardsMum · 09/12/2025 14:22

It doesn't make it right, but wouldn't have been seen as abusive back then. I wasn't smacked and was the only one amongst my friends who wasn't. In many religions, not obscure churches either, smacking was actively encouraged; spare the rod and all that...

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/12/2025 14:22

I don't think that was common at all for the 80s.

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:23

Was it kind? - no.
Was some of this normal?- yes
Was some of it uncommon? Yes

Does any of the above compel you to continue your relationship with your critical parents? No