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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

678 replies

Welshmum2010 · 09/12/2025 13:21

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

OP posts:
Mumski45 · 09/12/2025 14:45

AliceMaforethought · 09/12/2025 14:34

Oh, come on. I do believe that some parents are too lax about social media and screens, but it is absurd to equate that with physical abuse.

You are looking through the lens of what is normal today. In future we will know much more about the mental health consequences of what we are doing today and could be judged just as harshly as we now judge the physical abuse of previous generations

Many people would have been as dismissive about the consequences of smacking if they had been asked about it at the time.

KimHwn · 09/12/2025 14:45

Very common, yes. Horrible to think about now, but smacking was considered an acceptable punishment well into the 80s where I was from. All of my classmates would have been smacked for pretty standard child behaviour.

I really can't blame or judge my parents for smacking me, and I was an obedient child. It was the done thing, and they loved me and I knew it.

I do think that my children's generation will have something to say about the way we parent, too, and it will be justified. Time out can be necessary for the parent, but can be seen as abandonment from a child's perspective. Sleep training can use some questionable, sometimes traumatizing methods. So I would be way of casting the first stone, OP...

Maddy70 · 09/12/2025 14:46

I think it was fairly typical of parenting styles then. I had my mouth washed out with soap and was smacked, sent to my room with no dinner etc

Fast forward to when I had children , they were the softest grandparents ever

Whatoflife · 09/12/2025 14:46

I find it interesting to compare a lot of these answers saying ‘let it go’ to similar ‘mild’ sexual abuse of men grabbing woman’s arses, making lewd remarks, commenting on image/dress etc. I don’t think women today would say it was of the time and ‘let it go’.

OP my nan (born) 1912 was out my cousins mouth with soap. My dad smacked me twice that I remember. I never went to bed without food.

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:46

VictoriousPunge · 09/12/2025 14:44

This is hilarious. Just off the top of my head, I remember a school friend whose father used to take his son to the spinney behind the stables on the land of their large country home to whip him. (Well, cane him actually now I think about it, it was with a stick anyway.)

And my middle class mother smacked my middle class bottom many times.

Edited

You mean it wasn't just us in the rough class the working class? 🙄

reesewithoutaspoon · 09/12/2025 14:49

Yeah, physical punishment was common. It was how you were expected to parent your child.
Good parenting meant bringing up an obedient, well-behaved, and well-mannered child.
This was how they were told to parent, how they themselves were parented, and what society expected.
There was no real widespread knowledge of child psychology and no easy way to access that information pre-social media days. The only information they had was how they had been parented themselves and 'advice' from older generations.
If a child was misbehaving, it was common to hear "that kid needs a good smack to sort them out."
We know better now, but back then, many did not. They believed that what they were doing was 'the right thing'.
It's unfair to judge them by todays standards when we have a wealth of information at our fingertips that they didnt.

Frugalgal · 09/12/2025 14:49

Welshmum2010 · 09/12/2025 13:21

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Pre-arranged beatings and washing your mouth out with soap were particularly horrible forms of cruelty even in the 80s.

We were beaten as kids but it would have been as a result of my mother losing her temper and losing control of herself. Definitely illegal, some of it, probably even back then. All bad enough, but planning in advance to assault someone is even worse.

They know what they did and only you know whether they would be open to the suggestion they were wrong to do it, much less apologise for it.

I've never said anything to my mother about her violence and some of the hurtful things she routinely said to us as kids.

She has very occasionally alluded to her regret about it, with the excuse that times were different then and it was done to her. No excuse imo. I wouldn't care if every last parent on earth was routinely beating their kids, I wouldn't do it. I remember how it made me feel. You never forget it.

In your shoes I wouldn't bother raising it, if your feelings about it are so bad you don't want to be around them, so be it.

Some of my siblings have availed of counselling to address their traumas around this. If it's affecting your state of mind, you could consider it.

Jane143 · 09/12/2025 14:49

Netcurtainnelly · 09/12/2025 13:32

Let it go. Stop looking for problems
Enjoy your life

I agree. My 1960’s childhood was far worse but it was normal in those days so I just don’t think about it, can’t change the past.

x2boys · 09/12/2025 14:51

nomas · 09/12/2025 14:14

Appalled by this thread. I was a child in the 80s, although not from the UK, and my parents never hit me. Even if I had burned the house down my mum and dad would have fed me.

I honestly don’t know why this kind of abuse in the 70s / 80s is seen as so normal in the UK that people can’t even give OP some sympathy.

OP, absolute call them out.

Nobody is saying it is right
Just that it was normal, we can't erase the past
Even Teachers were merrily smacking kids for minor misdemeanours, I have a vivid recollection of getting slapped across the legs circa 1980,for dropping a crisp packet in the playground by a teacher
And we were regularly threatened with the ruler or had the board rubber thrown at us
None of this would be anyway near acceptable in this day and age.
But was common them.

MyLittleNest · 09/12/2025 14:52

I wouldn't say that what you are describing is chronic abuse, but that also doesn't make it okay, and you have a right to want to distance yourself and shouldn't be shamed for that. Often, it isn't until we have distance, growth, and children of our own that we can really assess a situation.

I am NC with my parents and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I grew up with a malignant narcissistic mother and henchman father, and it is was daily emotional abuse and less frequent (but there) physical abuse. I was a very, very, very good girl, especially now looking back, knowing how so many kids can be. I was years beyond maturity for my age, was given endless household chores to do while my mother watched television or talked on the phone, all while doing hours of homework and babysitting, and if I got anything less than a perfect mark on a test, I was screamed at for hours, threatened, and punished. It was a highly critical, controlling, and punitive environment. My mother was/is extremely volatile and the only person who was allowed to have feelings was her. My father is so terrified of her, he will do anything just to keep her happy, throwing his children under the bus in he process. As for your comment about the soap, I did laugh only because that was much more frequent than twice for me, liquid dish soap or bathroom bar soap.

Now.... None of their children speak to them. Where I reached my breaking point was that this behavior continued well into my adulthood. My father actually smacked in the face so hard that he sent my glasses flying across the room when I was 7 months pregnant AND in my own home. Sadly, this was so normalized to me that I ended up being the one to apologize and didn't even tell my spouse. It took realizing that my parents need for control, my mother's drama, and their endless criticism and demands were ruining my marriage and my own experience as a mother. They were sucking the joy out of my life daily as every day, as a grown adult, I was living in fear of their wrath and being "in trouble" and no matter what I did or gave to them, I somehow always was. Simply living my life, going about my day with work, kids, pets, family was enough to make them find some offense that gave them the right to throw tantrums and punish me every way they knew how. They would scold me like I was an unruly teen for simply being an independent adult. (Like if I saw them three weekends out of the month, all they would do was scream at me over not seeing them the fourth weekend, and it didn't matter if my husband and I had plans, etc.) They also started crossing every boundary known to man with my child.

Only you know know what you lived and how your parents make you feel and if you want to limit contact with them, then you clearly have very good reason. In my case, I told my father (the spokesman for both himself and my mother) WHY I was doing this, that I was truly pushed to my breaking point and my health had been suffering for years as a result....and all I have ever gotten is more abuse, endless pushback, gaslighting, denial, and harassment.

So yes, if you suddenly go NC, I would tell them, but don't expect them to apologize. I suspect that if they were the type who would and then change their ways, you wouldn't have reached this point in the first place. Don't expect accountability or closure. Your closure will come from putting the past behind you, whether it's still with them in your lives or not.

apostrophewoman · 09/12/2025 14:52

I was born in 1970 and can totally relate to the OP's experience, but only with my mum. We were put over her knee (pants down) and smacked hard, once I was slippered on the backside so hard that my bum was black with bruising. We had our mouths washed out with soap for trying out swear words (I can still feel the bar of Palmolive now!) and were routinely sent to bed with no dinner. If we didn't eat our meal, it was produced for breakfast, lunch and dinner until we ate it. I once asked to try some honey because she'd bought some for my brother, and I didn't like it, but that piece of toast and honey was brought out for days. We were subjected to days of silent treatment, even as children. She is and was also abusive to my dad with the silent treatment and hugely controlling behaviour. My dad never hit us.
This is the way my mum was treated as a child, and continued it with us. When I finally went no contact at the start of Covid, after years of on/off silent treatment, I asked her how she could treat her own children like that, and she said it was because of the way her mum treated her. Obviously there's no need to continue that legacy, but my mum chose to. I think part of her enjoyed it, the narcissistic and controlling part of her demanded complete obedience, and she continued that into my adult years until I decided that I'd finally had enough of being disapproved of.

OP, only you can decide whether you want to go NC with your parents, but it depends whether the behaviour was 'child rearing punishment' of the times, or whether the behaviour spilled over into all parts of life and it affected you further. I know I'm far happier with no contact with my mum. It makes me sad that my dad doesn't speak to me because of his fear and enabling behaviour.

Loobyloolovesandypandy · 09/12/2025 14:53

toomuchfaff · 09/12/2025 13:43

Going back to your post, i'm 51 now. So i was born in the 70s. It was common, or it was common in my class/area of the country.

In my childhood I can remember I had my mouth washed out with soap, I was sent to bed with no dinner, I was hit with a ruler on my hands for misbehaving (teacher), I was slapped full handed across my legs for misbehaving, leaving big red mark. I was threatened with the belt, I was told "wait til you're father gets home" as a threat to make me dread his return for some misbehaving. I didnt raise my children the same because I wasnt told that was how you discipline a child, I wasnt advised that the belt or the threat was the only way, wasnt advised to beat out the cheek of them, quite the opposite! The times moved on, when I had my children the advice had shifted. Parents of the 70s didnt have the advice you have, didnt have the knowledge or the wealth of information. Yes some of them probably would have been horrible anyway, but a lot of them probably not?

Quote honestly you need to let your past go. You cant change it, you cant gain anything from stewing over it and blaming your past for everything thats wrong with your today.

my dad actually did ‘belt’ me on one occasion when a friend who was hanging out with me in the kitchen one evening threw her lit cigarette in the kitchen sink when we heard the living room door open. He found the stub and when friend left took his belt to me buckle and all. I was so severely shocked and upset not to mention the belt marks, I had to be kept off school for three days.
My own children were born in the 70’s and the only ‘punishment’ they ever received was verbal.
I hadn’t spoken to my dad for years when he died but I never brought up what he did.

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 14:53

Shell18celhave · 09/12/2025 14:42

But it was "the done thing"
I can't begin to tell you just how often my sister & I were smacked etc. one time I remember shouting at my mum "stop it you'll kill her" whilst she was hitting my sister. Rage took her an my sis really got it.
A friend of mine was always late home not massively 15-20mins every time, her parents called in social services said she was out of control & a bad influence on their younger daughter.......they put her into the care system!
Another friend came for tea my mum saw the bruises on her so got her chatting. Her mum was hitting her with the hoover pipe. My mum called social services. They didn't remove her just told her if it happens again they will intervene.
I'm trying to point out times were very very different in the 80's. I think the majority of us suffered abuse of some time I was a fat kid clothes shopping was the pits standing in c&a in my vest & knickers whilst too small clothes were being yanked off & on me being berated for being so fat.....
Your parents most probably had it a lot harder than you ever did I know mine did & they were doing their best with the examples set to them

No, it really was not.

It sounds as though you were living with and surrounded by abusive adults.

bigboykitty · 09/12/2025 14:56

@Welshmum2010 they made their choices at the time and they were a lot of shit choices. Lots of parents made similarly shit choices, but this doesn't excuse their behaviour. It sounds like they were extremely cruel with it and are still cruel, unkind and judgmental now. What, if anything, do they bring to your life now that's positive? I wouldn't keep contact with them if they're still being horrible to you. Sorry about the awful comments on your thread. AIBU is a cesspit.

AgDulAmach · 09/12/2025 14:57

My parents were very neglectful but they very very rarely smacked - only a couple of times when they were really angry, which doesn't excuse it, but makes it more understandable. Planned punishments or the 'stocking up' of punishments across a day is very sinister and does seem abusive to me - it sounds ritualistic and sadistic rather than any sort of response to real behaviour issues.

As for calling them out, I think you need to consider carefully what your motivation is for doing that. If you expect apologies you may be very badly disappointed. If you just want to vent and get it off your chest, it may be worth it. Just be aware that it's likely nothing will change.

Sunshinedayscomeon · 09/12/2025 14:57

You have to think about what you WANT to achieve or grain by discussing the abuse you received as a child from your parents.

It's not only abuse, it's cruetly and neglect, just because it was 'normal' of the time does not make it right.

Be the parent you wish your parents were, is my advice. I remember once shouting at my DD for untidy room (I used room inspection by mum and she throw out things there weren't tidy. This would inovle me crying and than being smacked for crying). Realising that my DD could have untidy room and I could shout the door on it. Was in the moment, I realised that the things that happened to me as child were not ok or alright.

I once tried to mention that the casual smacking (for minor things like sucking my sleeve) were abuse and I got gaslighted and then tears.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 09/12/2025 14:57

I was born in 1980 and my siblings were born in the 70s and none of these things happened to us or anyone we knew
I'm really surprised how many people think it was normal. Maybe my parents were just very laid back.

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:57

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 14:53

No, it really was not.

It sounds as though you were living with and surrounded by abusive adults.

Right, everyone else is wrong. And, based on your own personal experience, you are right. I wonder why they even bothered banning it in the school setting in the 80s given it was so unusual?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/12/2025 14:57

I just wanted to say that I had red hand prints on my arms, back, legs as a child.
I wasn't sent to bed without food but I was force fed instead by my mum literally shoving the cutlery/food in my mouth.
She made a 'joke' when I was 7 and I lived with low self esteem for 4 decades because it was embedded in my brain.
I 100% know that she didn't mean what she said, it was a joke but it was thoughtless and cruel by today's standards. I've had therapy and now have a higher regard for myself but as part of my therapy, I spoke to her about what she said and how it had affected me for most of my life and she said she had no idea.
Well of course she didn't, I'd never realised before that it was why I felt so bad about myself to address it.
Luckily I have a great relationship with her, I'm sorry that your parents are just cunts basically.

You didn't deserve to be treated the way they treated you. They are horrible, cold people and I think absolutely go no contact. Try not to worry about their existence and if you haven't already, get therapy!! It's messy and really unpleasant but the end result is so worth it.
Sending love 💕

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/12/2025 14:58

Oh i would definately speak to them and their response would determine whether i remained in contact.

I was born in 70s and was not hit or abused by my dps and i was s terror.
Don't think any of my pals were either
Sorry this happened to you x

Whenindoubthugitout · 09/12/2025 14:58

I come from a middle class family background, born and raised in the 70s and 80s. All this was commonplace in not just my house, but in homes of my friends, It was not hidden out of sight.

teachers rullered children and belted them. My brother was caned.
i went to bed hungry fairly often.

it was not considered unreasonable then.
It is unreasonable now.

LadyDanburysHat · 09/12/2025 14:58

I think the punishment of smacking was normal, the soap thing is awful. But I think it is more the way your parents did it. Almost looking for a reason to punish you and saving it all up for later. That is cruel.

I can see why you want to go LC or NC with them, but raising it will do you no good. They will not apologise as they are clearly very similar now.

snoopythebeagle · 09/12/2025 14:59

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 14:36

It was neither normal nor was it considered normal.

It may not have been for you, but for many families, it was. Corporal punishment in schools was still perfectly legal until the mid eighties.

SparkleSpriteDust · 09/12/2025 15:00

Upstartled · 09/12/2025 14:57

Right, everyone else is wrong. And, based on your own personal experience, you are right. I wonder why they even bothered banning it in the school setting in the 80s given it was so unusual?

I am right.

The odd light smack in the 70's and 80's was 'normal'.

What the OP and @Shell18celhave are describing was absolutely not!

TeenageSu1cideDontDoit · 09/12/2025 15:01

I had a typical 80s upbringing, and whilst I was smacked, it wasn't often. I never had my mouth washed out with soap nor was I ever sent to bed without tea. YANBU. I'm not sure what good calling them out will do, though. I'd just cut contact right down.