To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

They’re shouting at and belittling you and your daughter in your own house?!
They can get to fuck and sort their own Christmas dinner. Cheeky rude arseholes.

This is it for me as well. Noone gets to come into my home and verbally attack and insult my child. I think I'd be putting as much distance in here now. Your brothers text sounds like he would use Christmas as another opportunity to get a few digs in, in order to have the last word so I think it would come up again.

Your mother and your dB can absolutely say whatever they want, but there will be natural consequences to what they say which they will need to take on the chin and that's the difference.

I'd just reply You aren't coming for Christmas. I won't allow my daughter to be bullied in her own home. You will be more than welcome to visit once you've apologised to us both and are able to behave like adults and respect other people's choices.

I totally agree with this. Let them uninvited themselves

It would take a lot for me to basically end a relationship with my family (and even 'a lot' hasn't done it yet) but speaking to my daughter the way your mum and brother did would be a red line. Nope, goodbye.

You sound lovely OP. Don't completely give up on your brother. He might eventually come round

That's the thing with people who say and think "I can do/say what I like." They absolutely can. What they cannot do is dictate how other people react to it, accept it or reject it. That's the part they always have problems with. They CAN say what they like. You DO NOT have to accept what they say. And the sooner that's rammed down their throats the better you'll feel.

@WantToHibernate Any chance tthey will just turn up on Xmas Day anyway?

Even ignoring the fact they bullied your daughter out of her own living room...they want to come to dinner but not sit with you or your daughter? Like the Mean Girls school cafeteria except in YOUR OWN HOUSE? That's another level of CFs.

Hilarious that at a time of year when all anyone talks about is food and turkeys, that a few posters have implied that maybe it's you talking a lot about being vegan 😅

Your home, your diet, your choice.
Uninvite them and go NC.
THey sound horrible

Put your dc first
They sound vile

I wish posters would read the OP's updates.

We are entering into cancel the cheque territory now.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

I actually laughed out loud at this. The audacity!!

They both sound unhinged. You would not be unreasonable to tell them not to come on Christmas day.

Hopefully, your brother will start to realise that his life would be less complicated without so much loyalty towards her, and that your door will be open, (?), to him when he does.

I’m fully expecting all of this as we’ve had it all before over other things.

The fact your Mum felt entitled enough to berate your daughter in her own home, would be enough for me to uninvite your Mum and brother. Your children should feel safe in their home, and not worried that they're going to be verbally attacked. I know your daughter said that she wasn't bothered and they're idiots, but even so, it wasn't a very nice experience for her. Your daughter is 17, and old enough to know her own mind, and if she wishes to be vegan, that's her choice. Unfortunately, some people don't respect others choices or points of view. They don't have to like or agree with your and your daughter's choices, but they should respect it. They can't and seem unwilling to see any other view point than their own. I would text your brother back and say that neither him or your Mum are welcome for lunch on Christmas Day, because they can't respect you and your family in your own home. I'd then block.

When they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by you or your daughter but they want to eat the food you cooked and enjoy your hospitality? That's not acceptable.

If they don't want to sit near you or your child that's easy. They can sit in their own house and eat their own dinner.
Life's too short to keep trying to appease arseholes.

You’re 100% right to uninvite! Stick to your guns!

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

The rudeness of that alone would make me uninvite them.

Well done Op. Absolutely no reason why you or your daughter need to put up with that kind of shit.

I hope the scales drop from your younger brother’s eyes before too long, but he’s an adult so needs t9 own his choices.

I had similar treatment from both of my parents. I think you are wise to protect yourself and your kids from her. I’m also pettily fantasizing about her opening gift-wrapped tofu under the tree. (But NC is much more sensible approach.)

uninvite them, they are so out of order, don't let them ruin Christmas

Re "preachy vegan" - I have a parent that does something similar: she asks a question, I answer calmly, but she then she claims I was 'screaming and shouting' at her, essentially fully re-writing the narrative. Can't get away with it anymore as I now have witnesses who will corroborate my account (young adult DDs.)