To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

No way would they be invited to my house at any time after having a go at my dd. Both me and my dd are vegan. My dd followed my example without any convincing from me. She has her own mind and would go in the opposite direction if pushed a certain way and I’m sure your dd is the same.
neither of us are “preachy” vegans but love answering questions.

Your dd sounds lovely and it would be a shame to expose her once again to the taunting of those extremely rude people. Family or not.
Have a really great time with everyone else who wouldn’t come otherwise.

I'd tell them they're definitely not welcome. ANYTIME. Anyone treating a child of mine like that would've been straight out on their arses anyway. The fact that the rest of your siblings appear to body-swerve them says everything. They're obviously a pair of toxic twonks.

Nah, you want to enjoy Christmas so 'ding the dickheads'. Nobody wants - or needs - attitudes like theirs at any time of the year but especially NOT at Christmas.

I agree, you do not need the negativity at Christmas... your house, they were guests and behaved rudely.

On the more positive side, I would love to know what you are having for Christmas lunch... I struggle to make it feel special enough (I feel) for vegetarian and especially vegan friends.

I really don’t know. If she gets drunk, it’s a possibility.

Thankfully our house is behind electric gates (something we’ve been called snobby for by them 🙄) so they couldn’t get in easily if they did turn up.

I really hope they don’t turn up as my husbands parents will be here and his mum would be very upset if they caused a scene. His parents are like the ‘perfect parents’ that everyone would want, so my mum has been very difficult for them to get their head around. When I first had to explain the situation to them years ago, I could see the horror/pity/sadness in their eyes and they probably wondered what their son had got himself involved with. 😂 I know his parents were apprehensive about my mum being here for Xmas, so now that they’re not invited, they’ll have a much better day as long as she and my brother don’t turn up.

Uninvite them. Absolutely. Your husband is right.

protect yourself and your DD
what twats. Who do they think they are?!
I mean. Just wow.

You've done the right thing. Have a lovely Christmas without this toxic pair.

Given the history it’s most unlikely that they think they are doing anything wrong, or modify their behaviour. Far more sensible to very clear and without any avoidance of doubt, tell them that they are no longer welcome and need to make their own arrangements.

I’d not only drop them I’d tell them it’s because they behave like children and you can’t be arsed with the hassle of having to force yourself to tolerate it in order to not ruin Christmas.

Fair play for un-inviting them! I am having issues with my own mum and haven't been able to.

With the Vegan thing, how rude!! You are allowed to live your life the way you want and it sounds like DD has made her own choices as to what she wants. The fact that your DS and DH still eat meat in your house just shows you don't try and force anyone to change.

If one of my DSs decides to become vegan/ veg when they are older I will help support them. And we are cattle farmers!

You wouldn't let a stranger speak to your child like that... why let someone who is meant to love and respect her speak to her like that!
Fuck them right off.

Politely tell Brother you and your family were upset by your Mother's behaviour. Final straw. Guests do not dictate to/harass family in Your Home. Mother and Brother will be more comfortable not coming to Christmas lunch. You will be in touch after Christmas, have them for tea/whatever on your own. You request Mother and Brother reflect on their conduct in the meantime.

My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

So they have form of long standing.
If they aren't there, the rest of the family will be?

Ah, well done for putting a boundary in place - and well done your big brother for being mindful to keep the door open for your little bro.

I hope the fallout isn't too dramatic, but if it is - it just reinforces why the decision was necessary. I hope you and your daughter have a lovely restful Christmas Day with your husband's parents and your more sane siblings.

Don't let anyone on here victim blame you for anything your mum has done. It's very easy to say "why do you let her near your kids?" When you don't understand. Your mum.should be your biggest cheerleader in life. It's hard to compendium that a parent is abusive. There's no perfect response to abuse. Also that panders into the "if you just did x I'd love you" reasoning from your mum. Do whatever you need to do to survive. My mum abused me then turned on my kids. I just went into flight or fight and froze. I had no support to stop her as no one believed a mum could be abusive. Mil said I must have deserved it so then you think ds deserved it. It's fucked up but abuse becomes so normal them minimised it screws your logic up. I was much happier going low contact than face the drama of something more drastic.

Well done op for standing up to your mum. The first step to tell yourself your no longer a victim. You hold all the power now.

Well done. Have a peaceful Christmas with your family 🌲

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

I would make sure he's seated nowhere near you or your daughter ... by not giving him a seat anywhere in your house. This dude bullies a 17yo in her own home, insists his mum can spout all sorts of offensive nonsense when she's been specifically asked by the hosts to rein it in - and then tries to place the blame on the 17yo? No way. (And your daughter's correct: they are both idiots.)

If you have electric gates, surely you can turn the speaker system off on the day.

Surely the answer to this is obvious?

I think there can be a middle ground for you.

You can text them back saying they won’t be seated next to a vegan however there will be no comments made to anyone about if they eat meat or are vegan. There will be no judgement from anyone on how they want to eat and their wishes. If this is something they can’t do then it’s probably best to attend a different house for Christmas Day. However you need to know by x date to ensure there’s enough food etc.

Set clear ground rules for behaviour and expectations.

You’ve done the right thing OP. Such twats. The audacity of “I’ll let you host me and feed me but I don’t like you and don’t want to sit next to you”.

What a ridiculous comment. A vegan diet is healthy if done properly as with any diet.

It wasnt healthy for my friend or brother. My brother spent a fortune on supplements and protein replacements also. It affected their health dramitically. Different things suit different people.
Now no longer vegan back to normal.
Ive tried vegan, vegetarian,pescatarian and normal. Found vegeterian suited me.

@Hotchocolates953 I would disagree, no-one comes in my house who has form for insulting me or my child, that's just a very basic rule. No need to negotiate, they know making animal noises is wrong, I wouldn't accept that from a small child, definitely not from adults.

I would not host them again in my home for those insults. The cheek of saying they don't want to be seated next to their own daughter and granddaughter, it's something else. I think you may need to go over to the Stately Homes thread, OP...

You CAN change it just by tapping the other option.

Why should her DH reply? It's the OP's mother and brother who are the problem.