To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

I wouldn't bother telling them why. Either they know perfectly well why, or they will never in a million years understand/admit it. Either way, there's no point crashing yourself on the rock - the rock won't apologise.

Your immediate family, who seem lovely and supportive and close-knit, are your priority. Not this pair.

Agree with the PP who pointed out that you're not helping your little brother by enabling his behaviour. In the real world, dickheads don't get to be insanely rude to other people and still get a seat at the Christmas table. Actions have consequences - he can't go through life being as vile and antagonistic, and have everyone bend around it.

Everyone else deserves a peaceful Christmas day.

This!

Start sneaking meat into her food, probably.

You read a post about ignorant meat eaters who make animal noises to annoy a vegan, and still manage to blame the vegan. Interesting.

I would just text back and say that their behaviour was out of order, they don’t get to dictate what you do or where people site the invitation to Christmas is no loner there and they can make their own plans

Then I would contact your siblings, tell them your mum and brother are no longer coming and would they like to

Thanks all.

The weekend has definitely changed things. It’s the first time that they’ve crossed the line in directing their nastiness towards our children and not just us and that is a step too far.

I have just sent a very short and to the point text telling them that they’ve crossed a line to speak to our daughter that way, that they’re no longer invited for Xmas, and from now on they’re not welcome at our house.

My husband and I have also just had a conversation with my older brother, who is low contact with them, to put him in the picture in case they contact him. He is really angry that they’ve involved our daughter. He said to leave it to him and that he’ll speak to our youngest brother in a few days to say we’re all here for him IF he gets mum out of his life, but until then, we’ve all had enough and can’t keep doing it.

Gosh - when I started reading your post I thought it was going to be asking for suggestions for a combined vegan/Vegetarian/meat eaters menu!!

But NO - I'm sorry your Mum and Brother sound like they'd be awful guests so I'm with your hubby to uninvite them.

If that leads to ending your relationship that would be on them not you.

It's incredibly liberating when you go no contact with people that treat you like your family do.

Of course it won't be anything they've done, people like them are to wrapped up in their self to even think they could possibly be the cause, they'll not be to happy when they suddenly realise that you'll be sticking by your decision of no contact and then they'll gossip to all that will listen about how they've done everything for you and now you've cut them off, they'll be playing the victim.

I'm not really sure of the mentality of people like these, but if they're anything like those I'm NC with they'll be thinking you're the one missing out and it's your loss when truth is not having to sit and listen to their constant criticism and bitching is wonderful.

You already know what Christmas day is going to be like, your DB has already started with the do's and don'ts, that's a taster, it's wholly your choice as to whether they still come to dinner or not.

But really you've no loss to your life cutting out people like them, only gaining peace.

The absolute CHEEK of them to text and say they’re coming but won’t sit next to you (THE HOST?) or your daughter! Were they planning on coming, eating your food and drinking your drink then ignoring you for the day? Rude fuckers! Absolutely not.

I feel sorry for your brother - it's really sad that she's talked him out of going to university and generally doing OK for himself. She's obviously an insane narcissist. But he is also a grown man making choices for himself and you are not responsible for keeping him safe from his own mother.

I'd probably tell them I was going to do an entire vegan meal so I understand that they won't want to come now. Then I'd invite the other estranged siblings instead.

As others have indicated, you are right to uninvite them. Find other ways to support your brother if you feel you should.

I have the same kind of dynamic op, Mother and younger brother with a 17 year age gap, I always protected my kids too. Until the day she spat in my daughter's face in front of her great grandchild simply because her narcissistic ways had caused a outrage that my daughter had been to see me for a cup of tea not her (literally a 20 minute visit) I always told myself I was just watching out for my brother too but unfortunately when a parent with those toxic traits has that golden child they will never be free, My brother is 28 now still home still single, still gets his bedroom decorated you get the just. For yours and family's sanity, uninvite them and follow suit with your other siblings , take care xx

If they do come there is going to be an "atmosphere" all day that you dont need .

They are not adding anything to the day, uninvite..

No we don’t. The topic of food came up because we were talking about what we plan to have for Xmas dinner. My mother was being her usual arsehole self mocking what I was planning to eat because I’m vegan. My daughter stood up for me and told her that she’d been vegan since February and that she’d be eating the same as me. So no, we obviously don’t speak about it at every opportunity, as my daughter has been vegan for 10 months and they weren’t even aware.

Wonderful use of the Great British Understatement LakieLady!
But seriously, OP these people sound absolutely vile and poisonous. Have no hesitation in banning them forthwith. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your lovely family and in laws.

I'm so relieved for your sake that you've found the courage to do this. I hope you and your family have a wonderful peaceful Christmas. Please don't think about your mother and brother, you've obviously given them so many chances. If my own extended family is anything to go by, this is not an unusual occurrence. There are numerous cousins and siblings that don't speak to each other for various reasons.
You absolutely have to put your own children first!

I don't disagree, but it needs to be handled with care: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5456551-to-tell-them-not-to-bother-coming-for-xmas?page=5&reply=149046892

Well done OP.

It’s very good that your other brother is supporting you and will ‘mop up’ your youngest brother.

You may well get a barrage of abuse / wheedling / victim blaming / ‘just teasing… vegans have no SOH’ messages now. Grey rock, do not engage.

My husband and I have also just had a conversation with my older brother, who is low contact with them, to put him in the picture in case they contact him. He is really angry that they’ve involved our daughter. He said to leave it to him and that he’ll speak to our youngest brother in a few days to say we’re all here for him IF he gets mum out of his life, but until then, we’ve all had enough and can’t keep doing it.

This is great news. Fingers and toes crossed that your younger brother can figure it out.

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You will be missed

Your brother has a nerve dictating where they want to sit for xmas! As if he gets a say after they offended you and your daughter.

I would uninvite them! They would just upset you and her on the day. Not worth it.

Absolutely uninvite. They’ll come for Christmas dinner but want to be seated away from you and your daughter?! What the actual fuck?! Unbelievable

Withdraw their invitation. They have zero respect for you or your daughter in your own house.

Of course he doesn’t but he wasn’t home when this latest incident happened. In the past he has told them to back off and has always been on my side. He knows how my mum treated me and my other siblings when we were growing up and therefore understands that I’ve been trying to protect my youngest brother. He has agreed until now that I should try to keep contact due to that and has put up with a lot from them. Obviously with them now crossing a line and being nasty to our daughter, we have talked and agree that we can no longer do this.