To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

This is the part where you show your children how to kindly and respectfully but firmly set boundaries.

I would message both brother and mother and say you think it’s best that you have Christmas separately this year, that you hope they have a lovely day but that you won’t allow them to speak to people like that in your home and so therefore regretfully a decision has been made and they are no longer invited this year.

“Thank you for your text. I agree. Absolutely the best way to ensure that you won’t be seated next to me or DD is to stay away”

Good message.

R a previous pp - it's not about "house rules", it's about not being a twat and making family feel miserable and bullied in their own house.

The audacity of dictating the seating plan!
Just tell them to fuck off. Honestly. It doesn't sound like they bring any joy to your life and they are a right pair of pricks. Having no relationship with either of them sounds great.
I'd never allow someone who spoke to my DD that way to ruin her day -because you know they will be on on extra high knob head level after the argument. She can say it won't matter, but it will.

Fuck that, I'd tell them to fuck right off and cook their own Xmas dinner. My brother and SIL are both vegan and the rest of the family are meat eaters. Nobody would DREAM of behaving like that in front of them!

Tell them its not funny, its highly inappropriate and if they pulled this shit at work in front of colleagues of certain religions they'd likely be fired for racism.

Protect your daughter. Twats.

Sorry brother, you can't come to my house and say you don't want to sit next to me or my daughter. Your Christmas invitation is cancelled.

I think you know this is the end of the road now. Is it at all possible that they are almost upping the ante to justify “ storming off”? Either way, people don’t get to abuse you and then dictate seating preferences . They have brought this on themselves. You sound like you have tried but now is the time to show your children what you do when people behave so disgracefully. There is a consequence to their behaviour. Let them feel it

Give your family the Christmas present of not having this toxic pair at your dinner table.

@Schoolchoicesucks has provided a good respinse you could use.

Or you could put the cat among the pigeons and tell them that this year the entire meal will be vegan 🤭

Uninvite them. Ignorant twats.

They shouldnt be shouting at your daughter.
I will however say they may be genuinley worried.
My brother and my close friend were vegan , they felt great intially then both became really ill despite taking expensive supplements.
My friend caught everything going and struggled to recover she nearly died of pnemonia.
Both are loads better since stop being vegan.
If they are worried they arent great at communicating.
They still shouldnt be shouting and dictating

I think you and everyone else is right. I’ve mainly kept in touch for my brothers sake. He’s the youngest, with a big age gap and my mum isn’t a very nice person. I had hoped that he would break free of her and then be able to have a normal relationship with me and the rest of the siblings.

Yeah uninvite them and have a lovely peaceful Christmas.

Absolutely uninvite them, they will be rude, childish and ruin the day. They can sit at their own table and make animal noises if they want.

I have been vegan for over 50 years. One family member used to tell me how unhealthy it was, storing up problems for the future etc etc. He's now stopped, probably because in my mid 60s I'm still climbing hills, running, cycling, paddleboarding etc while he barely moves his arse from car seat to sofa.

Cheer your daughter on, check she's getting B12, and go low contact with anyone who doesn't agree.

The nerve of saying they won’t sit by you or your daughter in your own home.

But, what that message clearly tells you is that if they did come for Christmas lunch they would be bringing with them bad feeling and the intention of being antagonistic and having negative interactions. Do not allow this to happen.

I cannot get past the cheek of "when we come to your house to eat tour food, we don't want to sit next to you"

People like this will never see they're wrong. They cannot understand that they are the common denominator in other people not speaking to them. I imagine you've told them to behave multiple times and they think they can say what they want.

You either decided it's worth dealing with their bullshit to have a relationship with them,or it's not

Yep, tell them to piss off. Nothing ambiguous either, just:

‘We are unable to host for Christmas this year.’

And repeat.

The audacity of trying to dictate the seating plan has quite taken my breath away.

Uninvite for sure!

Why would they come if they won't sit next to you? Bloody rude, I'll come but only on my terms and I'm going to be a pain all day, lovely.

Tell them they are only invited if they can behave themselves and they will be seated where you decide.

Definitely uninvite them and show your daughter you are putting her first. What they do after that is on them, not you.

We have a similar mixture of vegans, vegetarians, pescatarians and meat eaters for Christmas. We are the meat-eating family but it’s no big deal at all as everybody pitches in and contributes food that they can eat. The main issue is stopping the meat-eaters wanting to taste a bit of the vegetarian food!

You and your daughter have done nothing wrong. Your other family members sound rigid, a bit thick and insecure. I’m afraid it will have to be Christmas without them.

Uninvite them.

They want to come to come to your house, eat your food, drink your drink but not have to sit near because you are soooo horrid and objectionable?
It's a no from me.

Their treatment of your DD is also absolutely awful. You would be sending dd a very bad message if you let them attend.

You set the boundary already, now you just keep it.

"Hi Bro,
I was very clear if you carried on, you would not be welcome at christmas. You both chose to carry on so I won't host you this christmas, you'll both need to male alternate plans"

Extra advice:

Do yourself a favour and put your phone on mute on Xmas day.

Going forward, treat any claims of funny turns and "heart problems" from your mother with deep suspicion.

telling her she’s mad and no better than them

I find this part fascinating. Why do so many people who are not vegan go straight to "you think you're better than everyone else!" when there is no indication that that's what the person they are talking to thinks? I can only assume it's guilt.

Anyway, to hell with them, they can be civil or they can fuck off.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and I’m healthy. My daughter eats healthily and was vegetarian for about 8 years before she became vegan more recently.

It’s not from a place of concern, they just hate vegans and have a chip on their shoulder. My mum doesn’t eat well and has health issues due to this so she is the last person who should be lecturing anyone on their diet. She has shown many times that she doesn’t particularly care about anyone but herself so this isn’t a lovely worried grandparent expressing concern unfortunately.

Nah, they don't get to come and be hosted by you but be so horrified by you that they refuse to sit near you or your child.

"Hello brother, given how our last meeting ended I don't think your coming for Christmas this year is a good idea, mother included. I won't have you speaking to me, or my children in such a way, and it amazes me that you still think I will be hosting you."

Please uninvite them. Making animal noises when eating would be enough for me let alone bullying and dictating to my daughter.
Have a lovely peaceful Christmas together and stress free.