To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

I wonder if you can find some way to communicate to him that his siblings will be around long after his mother is not.

You could just read the OP.

You don't need to un invited them. They don't want to go. Reply very calm and politely something in the lines. "that is fine, enjoy your Xmas day, talk to you later"

I think you should uninvite them. They’re rude and entitled, and the fact that your siblings are low/no contact speaks volumes. I would ring and tell them they don’t need to worry about the Christmas seating plan because they’re not coming, and are not welcome in your home until they learn some manners.

Oh, I must have missed the update.

I thought @Schoolchoicesucks ’s response made it clear that Christmas is off the table while still leaving the door open for future contact, particularly with your brother.

What would be the point of them coming to a family event anyway? Your mother doesn't want to sit with either her daughter or granddaughter who are the reason she's been invited in the first place. This whole situation is just weird. Has your mother always been this toxic and immature? Disinvite them and be happy if they check out of your lives. Have a great Christmas 🎄 with your family and in laws.

How do you know when someone’s a vegan? Because someone beside them shouting BACON IS GREAT will make you fully aware.

uninvite them. Why should your DS be bullied during her Christmas dinner

As per your title @WantToHibernate

Tell them not to bother.

Where's the joy?

It’s hard to watch but I think the time has come to say no more.

I agree @WantToHibernate . You owe it to your immediate family to not have their Christmas spoiled by this toxic pair. If you have to invite them have them round after lunch.

By inviting them you are prioritising them over your husband and DC, and you shouldn't do this.

After that bizarre request what in earth is the atmosphere going to be like?! No way should they come

I get that you’re worried about your brother, but pandering to him won’t help. He needs to be shown that behaving like this is not the way to make friends and keep loved ones close. Revoke the invitation in non-negotiable terms and do not go back on that decision no matter what they say - the minute they are in your house they will begin to snipe and belittle. It will do your brother good to have some consequences.

Don't think that is likely though as OP is vegan herself. Her siblings have also gone NC with mum and brother so don't think it's concern.

You owe it to your immediate family to not have their Christmas spoiled by this toxic pair.

I agree.

I also can't see how setting boundaries & asking them to stick to them would work either.

Even as someone who believes vegan diets are an unwise choice (especially for a teenage girl) I think your relatives behaved appallingly. In your position I would tell them they cannot dictate how you and your family live your lives, you have heard their opinion often enough, and never want to hear their opinions on your dietary choices again. As for dictating how you seat your guests for a Christmas meal, that is beyond ridiculous. Your DH is right, cancel the invitation so everyone present can enjoy their meal. Sometimes you have to take a stance and act to force family members to accept that you are making your own decisions, and their views are not going to change that.

Absolutely nailed it here OP. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas!

That’s awful. What does your husbands family think? I’m presuming they feel really uncomfortable with that horrible dynamic.

🤣 Yes do that

Although I'd have nothing to do with them. Hopefully if you stick to your guns db will eventually see the light?

Does db have any friends?

Solution writes itself. Have these nice siblings over. Let DBro have lunch with DM where they can sit where they like and honk and moo as much as they want

They called your DD a preachy vegan but they were the ones bullying her and trying to relentlessly break her down. They have some nerve thinking they should still be welcome but be seated away from you and DD.

What a load of horshshit. They aren't genuinely concerned in the least and if they were, they need to keep their opinions to themselves after expressing them once in a respectful manner.

It all sounds very Neanderthal. Low IQ?
Drop them and focus on the more pleasant members of your family.

During those times, has he understood that he was trying to break free of her?
From his (heavily influenced) POV he might feel he needs to stick with his mother after all her other children have abandoned her.

Yes, you should uninvite them, and make it clear that they are no longer welcome in your house if they cannot keep their counsel to themselves. You don't need their lectures or their opinions. They have already put a shadow over Xmas day with this behaviour, nobody is going to be able to relax eating their vegan fare knowing a catty remark is on the tips of their tongues. If you want your brother to break free from your mother, he needs to learn that behaving like her leads to alienation from his siblings. So yes, it's a harsh lesson, but one he needs to learn.

The only correct answer is "of course no problem, you won't be seated next to anyone as you're not welcome."