To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

@WantToHibernate They sound like right arseholes - your DH is right, give yourself a happy and peaceful Christmas and uninvite them.

@Merseymum1980 it can be easy to fall short of the right nutrition, if you switch to being vegan without understanding what you need to do to ensure you get complete protein, vitamins and minerals in your diet. My H and I are vegan and have been for 7 years now. I get an annual bloods check to keep an eye on my levels - all good, but it does take some work to keep the balance right! I hope your friend recovered OK.

@WantToHibernate your reply to your idiot brother:

”what makes you think you’re still invited? Feel free to make other plans with mum. Merry Christmas”

honestly, you’re flogging a dead horse with these awful people. Your other siblings could more than make up for the loss of these dickheads around your table.

call them. Tell your mother you’re no longer hosting them.

make the break love!

I have challenged her lots of times over the years, but I have not wanted to cut ties because of my brother. She wasn’t a good mum to us older ones but we had each other and we all managed to escape her and make good lives for ourselves, despite her trying to isolate us from friends, trying to discourage us from going to university and things like that. I’ve tried to be there for my brother so that she doesn’t mess up his life but she’s been much more successful at doing that than she was with us. I think it’s time to accept that I can’t help him whilst he’s under her influence.

And I say this as one who has cut off her own parents and am minimum contact with my sister

Again though

What the heck must your children think…. Seeing their mother so disrespected like this but sucking it up time and time again.

I wouldn’t have even allowed them near my children let alone to witness what they have

Your immediate family ( husband son and daughter ) sound amazingly supportive of each other and you. Concentrate on them and well done xx

Yeah, no, they aren't worried they're just knobs.

Uninvite them and enjoy a peaceful Christmas.

I think it’s time to accept that I can’t help him whilst he’s under her influence.

No, you cant help a grown man. And why should you?

He isnt helping your children - his nephew and niece - with his behaviour is he? Stop putting these awful people above your own family

Your DH nailed it.

I think most people would feel terrible if they spoke to a child in a way that led them to leave the room in their own home. To me, the fact that they’ve not only shown no contrition for their terrible behaviour, but have doubled down on it and are now trying to bully you all into silly seating plans, shows that they not only aren’t sorry, but would probably make a scene on Christmas Day too.

They don’t have to agree with your beliefs and you aren’t asking them to. You aren’t even asking them to follow them while in your house. And in return they can’t even be bothered to respect them or even to just say nothing. It is entirely reasonable for you not to want that kind of disrespect in your home any day of the year.

When they are invited for dinner they don't want to seated......The fucking neck on him!

In the bin with the lot of them. I would go silent now. I would have a silent night, a silent day and a silent rest of my life. Fucking hell!

Oh my goodness, you have the patience of a saint to have put up with it so far. You sound like a lovely host, catering for everyone's requirements and they're throwing it in your face by saying they refuse to sit next to you in your own bloody house!

Yes uninvite them. It might be the end of relationships but they've brought it all on themselves.

As an aside, it's really nice to hear from a mumsnetter who has lovely in-laws!

Im also in the uninvite camp. If your brother wants to be dominated by his mother, let him. But no more for you. Cut them off and be glad they handed you the scissors!

Have a lovely Christmas Day free of the drama your family brings. They sound disgusting - making animal noises as they eat meat is repulsive.

They sound incredibly awful and disrespectful to you and your family.

I would uninvite them for Christmas but phrase it so as not to close the door permanently. Maybe something like, "we think it better to do Christmas separately this year due to some hurtful things being said".

Then you can reassess next year whether the relationship can be salvaged, assuming they want to and are willing to apologise.

If they don't, it doesn't sound like much of a loss. Sorry @WantToHibernate

The cheek of your brother to text and demand that! It’s a no brainer, reply uninviting them both. Your house, your family. Have a lovely day with those you love - why should your brother and mum spoil that?

Theyre jealous of you 😭

Yanbu at all, just focus on your family and keeping your kids safe. I love meat but aside from gentle teasing would never treat my dd that way

I suspect they have bullied you for a while and you've let it slide due to 'family'. Its time to let go xx

They sound awful. My family would not speak to one another like that.

They make animal noises?

Would they behave like this in front of your husband's family?

I would have been too embarrassed to even invite them.

I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas.

You warned them, they continued.

"I told you that if your comments didn't stop, you would not be welcome for Christmas dinner. You chose to continue, so you and Mum will have to make your own arrangements, as you are no longer invited to our Christmas Day"

This.

I realised far too late in life that a branch of my family were in fact an absolute shower of utter bastards. Once I put aside tradition, familial ties and emotion and looked at them with a dispassionate eye, I saw them and removed them from my life. My life has been so much better since. I would never be friends with them in real life and that was my line in the sand.

I see the twisted assholes at funerals and weddings only now so rarely and I can just get in my car and drive away from them - nectar!

Good lord - they sound like hard work!

I would not invite them for Christmas. Finding it hard to imagine why you invited them in the first place!

They are totally out of order to comment in the way they do - it is nothing whatever to do with them how you choose to live your lives.

I am a mother and MIL and keep my gob shut, even when I disagree with things my AC decide to do, because I know it is none of my business.

@WantToHibernate

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

My reply to that would be

”🤣 Of course you won’t be sat by me or my daughter because you won’t be having Christmas dinner in my house.”

I can’t believe the nerve of him texting you that. Who expects an invite but refuses to sit by the host?? That is CF on a whole new level.

My children are well aware of what my childhood looked like and that the reason I’ve kept in touch is to try to help my brother. They know that I don’t like my mother but understand the situation. My children have had a very normal and loving childhood. They’ve not had a huge amount of contact with my mother so they were shielded from it all until they have been able to understand the situation as they got older. My children don’t think of her as a grandmother in the same way they do my husbands mum, who is lovely. As well as feeling a duty to care for my children, I have also felt a responsibility towards my brother who is only a young adult. It’s not easy to just walk away now and it certainly wasn’t when he was a child.

'Of course you won't be seated by my daughter, because you won't be seated anywhere in my house'.
They sound like horrible bullies, and I say that as a non-vegan (who respects the right of others to eat how they want to eat).

Just select YANBU (rather than trying to deselect YABU) and it changes.