To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

Actually, years before many people were vegan, the Royle Family response to a vegetarian guest was a curious but kindly "Could she have wafer thin ham, Barbara?"

And even Jim, not noted for his tact or empathy with new ideas, says "leave the poor girl alone" as they press Dairylea cheese on her.

I'm so glad you've told them they're no longer welcome OP

But the OP is not forcing her food choices on the visiting relatives. She is providing choices of meal for both meat-eaters and vegetarians.

And if the OP's mum has only just found out that dd is vegan, 10 months after she started, dd can hardly have been banging on about it.

It is probably true that people who grew up with insufficient food, or at least limited choice, due to poverty or other factors such as growing up in wartime, may be less willing as hosts to accommodate what they see as 'fussy eating'. (Though this is not always true.)

But this would apply when THEY are the hosts. Being bloody rude in someone else's home, especially when the hosts have gone to some trouble to accommodate your wishes, is just not acceptable in any portion of society.

And the OP isn't looking down on her mother. She is angry with her mother (with good reason). Being angry with someone is not the same thing as looking down on them.

Excellent comment!

The vegans in my family are not remotely preachy. Such a cliche.

And there are plenty of people who you would not know are vegans. Who are not preachy. It is definitely not a fad. I have a family member who has been vegan since she was 10 and she is now almost 30.

You need to try and get rid of all your preconceived ideas and stereotypes and start again.

My nephew became a vegan aged 10. Omnivore parents. How does that fit with your prejudices?

And your choice of what food to serve. Or not.

Depends upon your reasoning and explanation for choosing to be a vegan. How you have approached it historically.
how have you explained it to them?
two sides to every story, and the truth probably somewhere in the middle.

What reasoning would excuse their ignorant behavior, please?

Lack of understanding. Lack of knowledge. Lack of information.

None of that leads a reasonable person to make animal noises to wind up a vegan.

But OP hasn’t addressed this or managed the situation. She created it and allowed it.

I’m not taking sides, I’m stating there are two sides not just OPs

Of course she has managed the situation. She has told them they can't come on Christmas Day.

How has OP created the situation? Do you mean by becoming vegan, a perfectly reasonable dietary and moral choice? How would you react to being told, like OP was told by her brother, that they would still come to dinner but won't sit next to either OP (the host) or her daughter? Do you really think that is reasonable, civilised behaviour from a guest to OP's home? She has been remarkably restrained.

Let them spend a miserable, lonely Christmas on their own

Humour appears to lacking on this thread.
Making animals noises to a virtue-signalling vegan is actually quite funny.
😂

I don't get how it's funny. They don't eat animals so they would still be alive so it's just pointless and stupid. Maybe if they discussed how slaughterhouses work or something but the noises thing doesn't make sense enough to be funny.

It may be that meat and dairy contain essential nutrients required to maintain a sense of humour.

They have “uninvited” themselves by their weird behaviour . No way would l expect my children or myself to be sitting at a table with anyone so crass .

Concern isn't expressed by making animal noises at the table.
Pneumonia is caught by people eating many different diets.
Much of the world follows a vegan diet.......without expensive supplements.

Are you reading different posts from me?

I have read nothing from the OP that indicates that she hasn't addressed or managed the situation.

You think you are playing devil's advocate and not taking sides. That's not how I see it at all. You are taking sides IMO.

I'm not vegan or vegetarian BTW.

Ah, here we have it. A twelve year old on mumsnet.

I bet you find Mrs Brown's Boys funny. Don't you?

And the vegan on this thread has not been virtue signalling in any way. In fact, I don't think you even understand what it means.

How many vegans do you know who will have meat in their homes? The OP does.

Why does anyone have to explain their choice of what to eat? Anymore than someone would "explain" their choice to have a roast dinner. OP has been a vegan for 20 years - you would have thought her mother would be used to it.

OP was happy to cater to different dietary choices - it's only her mother/younger brother who cannot accept that OP and her DD can choose what to eat.

@RampantIvy I was going to ask if the poster liked Mrs Brown’s Boys too 😂 It is something in line with the “humour” on that show.

Once again you can see the ignorance of people on here talking about veganism. Churning out every cliche as per usual and sadly thinking they have come out with a profound realisation or opinion that is going to astound everyone. 🙄

I think that generally people who act this way are not comfortable with their choice to eat or wear animal products and have to disparage vegans rather than admit this even to themselves. Just get on with your lives and stop making other people's beliefs about you. Some adults still haven't learned the life lesson that not everything is about them. 🤷‍♀️