To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

My maternal grandmother was exceptionally toxic as was one of my aunts.

My mother put up with it and we were forced to spend Christmases with them for the sake of 'family'.

Quite frankly it ruined a significant part of my childhood, and when I had my first child I actually went into a deep depression because I looked at my child and thought I would protect him with my life and I could not understand why my mother would not protect my sister and I.

I am glad you have uninvited them. Your children do not deserve to have their memories of Christmas destroyed by these people.

OP, you have dealt with this in completely appropriate manner. They went beyond crossing a line with your daughter, and you. some banter is fine but they were hatefully attacking her, and you as well.

@WantToHibernate if they do turn up, ignore them and leave them outside the gates.

if they kick off and cause a scene, call the police

seriously. Do it.

again, had to call the police on my mum and her H

this was a long time ago now, I’ve seen her since and it was remarkably easy, because I don’t care anymore

took a long time and a fair amount of therapy and self healing though

you can do this, all the important people in your life support you in this.

have a wonderful Christmas without these awful people. You’ll wonder why on earth you don’t do it earlier

Incidentally it was their treatment of my then small DS that was my tipping point.

They were probably not really into it when they tried it. Two of my sons are vegan, one is a weight trainer. It's a hard diet to stick to, they most likely went off the idea and imagined the health issues.

Turn the Christmas music up and your phones on silent and then you won't know if they turn up! Enjoy your Christmas!

Uninvite and block them. Re-invite other siblings. Have a lovely Christmas whatever you're eating!!!!!

They come and keep their mouths shut IN YOUR OWN HOME or they don't come at all.

Possibly tell them there is a reason the rest of the family have little to do with them. And that they need to engage in some self reflection.

I mean if done correctly. Spending money on supplements and protein shakes doesn't mean it's done properly. Appreciate you do have to play around with it to make sure it's working for you but it is absolutely possible without spending money on supplements. Also not pushing a vegan diet here but it's frustrating when you'd never say a 'normal' diet doesn't work but I could eat nothing but bacon sandwiches and feel awful. That's not the fault of a 'normal' diet but what I'm choosing to eat from that diet if you get what I mean. Anyway, appreciate everyone is different.

Sorry, they want to come and be catered to at your house, but don’t want to be seated near you? What a pompous little windbag your brother is 😂

They sound utterly odious. Do yourself a favour and cut them off like a diseased limb. You’ll feel better.

I agree - calm down first - it's your mother after all and it's a bit of a silly argument. They should shake hands and agree to disagree.

I became vegetarian when I was 17 shortly before Xmas and had similar reactions from my mother - it's not the end of the world

I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child like that. I'd actually message them saying, "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with people not eating animals. I've decided to avoid conflict by no longer hosting Christmas dinner." You shouldn't have them over OP, they sound nasty and toxic.

OP has updated several times.

You don’t need to take expensive supplements or protein replacements due to being vegan. B12 is all you require and that is not expensive at all.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

”If that’s how you feel, given that this is my and DD’s home, I think it is better that you don’t come.”

Honestly, why are they so triggered? It sounds like you and your DD have behaved perfectly reasonably.

You need to go back and read all of OPs posts. It’s far from a silly argument, but part of a long history of abuse.

Re the 'it's unhealthy thing'. The number of times I have watched people spout that to my vegan friend while stuffing their faces with cheese and burgers and fries etc. DH is vegetarian and my mother once rang me in tears saying how worried she was about him getting his protein. I told her to do some research if she was really concerned and to get back to me then, but she didn't and still occasionally has a quivering lip as she quizzes him on his 'unhealthy' diet. She's morbidly obese, and has diet-related health conditions but it doesn't seem to make her think.

Sorry, missed your update. Well done, OP. As if they get to dictate who sits where, or demand not to sit next to you, in your own home!

Be prepared for “you’ve ruined our Christmas”. When of course they have ruined it themselves by behaving so disrespectfully.

The “Mum can say what she wants” is so telling. Well yes, she can say what she wants but what she cannot do is say what she wants without any response or consequences.

I don’t think there’s any “of course he doesn’t” about it.

This has gone on and been allowed to go on for years. Right in front of his face.

@ChristmasMantleStatue that is the typical irony of so many.

The problem is that meat eaters who are unable to think outside of the box of meat and two veg are always the ones who spout this kind of nonsense.

They have probably never eaten a lentil in their life.

There are some people who cannot absorb non haem iron so for these people becoming vegan is probably not advisable.

That’s fine. They don’t need to sit near you, in fact they can sit quite happily in their own homes clucking and oinking as much as they like!

My sister is veggie and yet at a table of 17 no one pays any attention to the fact she hasn’t touched the meat and has her own gravy, we’re all far too invested in what’s on our own plate

The idea of coming round for you to cook dinner for them and then refusing to sit near you is so ridiculous it's laughable. You sound very considerate of the difficult upbringing and lack of other sibling influences your brother has had. Maybe think of a gracious response that leaves the door open to him in the future but that doesn't play into this passive aggressive nonsense.

Is it ever possible to see him without your mother being there having the overriding influence over what he thinks and says? Could you meet up individually on neutral ground?

"It would be nice to see you but under the circumstances we'd better leave it this year. To expect someone cook and host for you but to refuse to be seated by them is not reasonable or going to be a nice experience for anyone. I'd be prepared to meet up on our own at a later date when things have calmed down if you are open to talk about it."

Or something like one of the people above have put better than I can. At least this way he has a chance to reflect on what happened in his own time and you have left the door open to him in the future.

What jumps out at me is that they seem to be obsessed with the idea that someone being vegan means they think they are better than them. It's a very odd way to think but maybe in a one to one setting you could chat through some of these issues. It might give you a chance to make it clear you care about him and would like to see him but that your life choices are yours and your decisions about what you eat is nothing to do with him and you are no longer putting up with their rude behaviour. Make it clear that it is not his business to comment on veganism or be constantly disrespectful about you and maybe sounds corny but you need to get across how it makes you feel as he might not know if he's been brought up to think this way of behaving is normal.

I'd give him a chance if you haven't really communicated properly before about how disrespectful their behaviour is and how it makes you feel. Also to make clear that your daughter does not have to answer to them about her life choices. If he can't see this and continues to act like a bully then that's up to him but he can't expect to come round for social occasions. I don't think you've said how old he is so it's less clear if he has a likelihood of changing. If he's very young there might be a better chance.

OP, it's a shocking read.
It is really not normal for families that are not guests on the Jeremy Kyle show to be abused in their home for years on their eating habits.
Not normal.
Absolutely toxic.

By allowing yourself to be treated like this, your children have been nicely set up for what occurred.
How awful for them to be put in such a position.

Well done for revoking the invitation, not a moment too soon.
Putting your birth family ahead of your own family is not right.

As for your inlaws, god help them, they must be in the horror's.
They too should be protected from behaviour like this.
It's really not fair.

Oh and toxic people often have a "health crisis" when things don't go their way.
Beware of this and do not allow yourself to be any further manipulated.

I’d be saying that there’s nowhere for them to sit, then, because you can’t place them next to you in laws because they’re rude to them and can’t have them next to you because they’re rude to you. I’d also slip in a snide “wonder what the common denominator here is 🤔”. Weirdos.