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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

141 replies

OneDayAfterTheNext · 07/12/2025 23:02

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

We're not genetically designed for one partner for life and if we were surely we've evolved. Sex among humans isn't just for reproduction and surely one of the benefits of our evolution is the joy of sex for pleasure? It follows that variety is part of the pleasure.

I had a near 30 year relationship, lovely as it was, the buzz and inhibition of a ONS just wasn't there. We never got married, which was right for us both to not not commit and make a mockery of marriage.

I'm thinking at 50, I'm ready for those encounters again, why not? What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free sh*g?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/12/2025 23:06

It’s still perfectly feasible and I think a surprising number of people still have one partner and a great life.

I suppose I’m a serial monogamist, have been married twice and about to do it again, I’m always faithful in a committed relationship but have had some fairly crazy times otherwise. Have had good times on both situations but definitely get more frequent sex in relationships.

LuluLozenge · 07/12/2025 23:11

For some it works, for others it doesn't. Just like anything, there is no blanket truth to apply.

DustyMaiden · 07/12/2025 23:13

To each their own. Can’t think of anything worse than a ons

CommentHere · 07/12/2025 23:13

YANBU to have that opinion but it is your opinion and your views.
Personally myself and DH are in a long term committed relationship and we are very happy. No plans to move away from this. We are not outdated or unrealistic, we are committed to each other.

If other people view relationships differently that's their business and their opinion.

AwfullyGood · 07/12/2025 23:17

Not sure about 20-95 element. I think most people mature alot between 20 and 30. Most failed relationship I know are couples who got together really young and one matured more than the other or at leaat quicker.

I think when you are with the right person, monogamy is easy.

Marraige or a commited relationship isn't for everyone but some people find it difficult to recognise it's not for them.

BeAppleNow · 07/12/2025 23:19

monogamy Yes
one partner for life No

pinkdelight · 07/12/2025 23:19

No one has to have one partner for life. I went around the block plenty before settling down but never cheated on anyone and am as sure as I can be after 25 years together and at same age as you that I won’t want anyone else as long as DH is alive and still wants to be with me. So you do what’s right for you as long as you’re honest with your partner and break up first, and don’t reframe the whole of humanity as non-monogamous just because you’re not into it any more.

Dgll · 07/12/2025 23:56

The things DH and I have gone through together, both good and bad, mean it is difficult to imagine being with someone else. I'd constantly be comparing them to DH and I know I would find them dull in comparison. DH is also the only other person in the world as interested in our children as I am.

whatsnewpussycat34 · 07/12/2025 23:58

Urrrgh. If DH died or did a runner, I’d be happy never to have sex or live with a man again. And we have a lovely relationship and a good sex life.

TeenLifeMum · 07/12/2025 23:59

I’ve had one ons - no desire to do that again.

dh is a loving partner, great I’m bed, happy to wash the clothes… I’ll stick with him thanks. I look around and there’s just no one who comes close.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/12/2025 00:00

It's entirely down to personal choice. Just be honest and don't promise monogamy if it's not for you.

BashfulClam · 08/12/2025 00:02

I much prefer sec in a committed relationship to any ONS. I never enjoyed any of them of got much pleasure from them. My sexual partners are in single digits because sleeping around wasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 18 years and hopefully till death us do part.

203percent · 08/12/2025 00:17

So having sex with random men is modern and practical?

I would much rather not, thank you.

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 08/12/2025 00:24

BeAppleNow · 07/12/2025 23:19

monogamy Yes
one partner for life No

this

NuffSaidSam · 08/12/2025 00:31

Periods of monogamy are realistic.

And I think that's what most people aim for.

I don't know anyone who got married at 20. I also don't know anyone who has lived to 95.

To each their own though. As long as you're honest about it.

OtterlyAstounding · 08/12/2025 00:41

You are being unreasonable.

For starters, 'monogamy' just means one partner at a time, so you could switch out partners every decade and still be practising monogamy.

Secondly, not everyone finds the idea of having sex with someone they don't know or trust, and who isn't familiar with their body, or their likes and dislikes, to be appealing.

Thirdly, there are risks that come with casual sex, some of which are more intensified now - (incurable) STIs that are very widespread, men who are more likely to strangle, hit, or demand painful sex acts, sex that simply isn't overly pleasurable as your partner doesn't know your body, and so on.

And finally, a lot of people get both variety and stability with monogamy. They have the variety early on in life while they're more open to risk-taking, while seeking a partner. They figure out what they like or don't like in the process, and then engage in what they like with their eventual partner from then on, with the benefit of love, familiarity, practice, and intimacy.

If you like the idea of casual sex, go for gold, but unless you're shagging multiple men within the same period of time, you're still technically monogamous.

SemperIdem · 08/12/2025 00:49

Well the “til death” part used to come a lot sooner on average, historically speaking.

Men are no longer being sent off to random wars with reliable regularity and dying/not returning, presumed dead, in the last 70 years.

Edited to add: Women don’t die in childbirth either such reliable regularity now, either.

It’s also significantly more difficult to just disappear and start a new life elsewhere - surprisingly common not so long ago.

CinnamonBuns67 · 08/12/2025 00:52

If thats whats right for you OP then go for it. If you get into a relationship (not a ONS) then just be upfront about that.

However monogamous relationships are right for many people for many different reasons. Just because monogamy isn't right for you, doesn't make it outdated or unrealistic.

Ponderingwindow · 08/12/2025 00:52

I’ve never had any interest in sex without a deep emotional and intellectual attachment. If casual sexual encounters appeal to people, they should have them, but they do not look better than monogamy for me.

GumFossil · 08/12/2025 00:57

I think you’re lucky to have a happy and long-term monogamous relationship. Having said that, most of our friends have been married for at least 20 years and are very happy.

I have a couple of girlfriends who find themselves newly single and about 50, and believe me, they’d far rather be in a long term happy marriage than facing the prospect of middle aged dating.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 01:55

Nah. Monogamy is our standard relationship model, and we'll just keep it.

Do whatever you personally like and be absolutely upfront about it to any potential fuck buddies, stick to your own boundaries, be truthful, and nobody will care.

Firefly1987 · 08/12/2025 02:07

I agree with you. I would never get married as I doubt I'd be able to make it work and I treat it very seriously. Other people just get married and divorced without a care and move on. I think that's what OP is getting at if I'm understanding correctly, not cheating necessarily. If people can move on so easily they shouldn't get married in the first place.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 02:15

Firefly1987 · 08/12/2025 02:07

I agree with you. I would never get married as I doubt I'd be able to make it work and I treat it very seriously. Other people just get married and divorced without a care and move on. I think that's what OP is getting at if I'm understanding correctly, not cheating necessarily. If people can move on so easily they shouldn't get married in the first place.

Or, I suppose they can just do whatever they like, and OP can too. Seems a more sensible arrangement to me.

2021x · 08/12/2025 02:50

The great thing about feminism is that it has made it possible for women (and men) to leave relationships that aren't working for them.

If you don't want to be a monogamous you don't have to be, if you want to be great, you can be.

Worralorra · 08/12/2025 06:34

Monogamy isn’t for everyone, but neither is practising “uncommitted shagging”.

You do you, OP. At 50 and beyond, I would find that exhausting. Just the idea of getting glammed up as if I were 17 and attempting to go “on the pull” leaves me with a headache and a strong desire to lie down alone in a darkened room!

The difference between us in this scenario is that my wonderful DH would be checking I was OK and offering to make me a cuppa after a short time…