To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

[OneDayAfterTheNext]

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

We're not genetically designed for one partner for life and if we were surely we've evolved. Sex among humans isn't just for reproduction and surely one of the benefits of our evolution is the joy of sex for pleasure? It follows that variety is part of the pleasure.

I had a near 30 year relationship, lovely as it was, the buzz and inhibition of a ONS just wasn't there. We never got married, which was right for us both to not not commit and make a mockery of marriage.

I'm thinking at 50, I'm ready for those encounters again, why not? What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free sh*g?

The best thing about getting married for me is no longer having to meet new people and fart around. I hate dating. ONS sounds horrific. I've found a fantastic man and very happy with that. The "excitement" of meeting new people and trying to form connections is just anxiety for me. And I can't be arsed with putting that on myself again, there's way more to life to actually enjoy rather than endure that awful shite.

DH and I have been together 22 years and coming up to 20 years married. I can't imagine another person ever knowing me as deeply as he does, and vice versa. That level of intimacy can only come with time I think.

We might be old fashioned and ourdated, but happy :)

It is fine if that isn't for everyone though, whatever makes people happiest-I can understand that variety would be preferable for some people too.

From what I have read here and elsewhere, OLD sounds horrible though. I think if DH and I ever did split up, I wouldn't actively seek another relationship, particularly not online.

I don't see why you'd be slaughtered.

Monogamy is chosen by people not imposed upon them.

If you don't want monogamy, don't get married and don't enter into a relationship the other person believes to be monogamous.

I don't see why anyone would 'slaughter' you for that unless you're advocating for marriage for the benefits it brings but shagging whoever behind their back and using the argument that monogamy is unrealistic to justify it

I’ve never wanted a ONS or to sleep around, sex for me has to be in a loving relationship.

Never had a ONS, zero desire to ever have one. Monogamy is great, if you don’t want it thats fine, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing for other people.

I think at 50, and presumably having been in the same relationship since you were 20 or younger you may be romanticising this a bit. Problem is, if you are having ons's in your 20s you are largely having them with hot 20 somethings. A ONS with some 50 year old bloke with a ton of baggage moaning about how he doesn't know why his wife left him is not going to be the same. I'd also be happy never to be in a relationship again if my marriage ended. I voted yanbu because it is unrealistic for most to be in a relationship from 20 ish to 95.Most people cant make that work and some that do are miserable and trapped.

Be careful about STDs

I think modern day love is so busy if you are working full time, bringing up kids, trying to do everything else. So I definitely don’t have time/ the inclination to see more than one person at a time. Some people do but I certainly couldn’t be bothered and wouldn’t want to.
Some people are very lucky in my opinion and find one person for life. I think it’s more unlikely people will stay together for life now than in the past due to life expectancies and other factors so in that sense I agree with you. The divorce rate in the UK is 42% at the moment so clearly not everyone stays together for life. I think life would be a lot easier/ nicer if you did just meet one person (who wasn’t abusive) and you stayed together for life.

Most people are not getting married at 20 or living to 95
I spent most of my 20,s single and met dh when I was 31
I have no desire to go back to my single days.

Me and DH meant every word of our vows. Neither of us have ever waivered, and our children have benefited from this commitment.

Whatever works for people.

To me, I can’t think of anything worse than a ONS. I did it once when much younger and hated it, never again. For me, I need to be in a relationship for it to work, commitment free sex I can’t do.

I’m in my 50s. I was at an evening out the other day with 6 other people and I was the only person there who hadn’t met their partner at university. Some hadn’t actually married until their 30s, but all were heading towards their 60s still apparently happily together with the same person. No sign of anything but monogamy from any of them. I think this is pretty normal tbh.

I hated dating, I’ll stick with monogamy

This is 2025 and you have options other than monogamy if you want them, and plenty of spaces to find like-minded partners. It's not even controversial at this point.

It's fine to want monogamy, it's fine to want the other options, it's pointless trying to turn it into an academic debate.

It takes me months to feel comfortable enough with a man to achieve an orgasm, it takes time for him to learn my body and his.

I need to know a man and him to know me to get to rhe point where I feel safe enough to reach that level of intimacy.

I absolutely cannot be bothered sharing my whole life with someone new.

The man I married loves and accepts me for who I am. No ONS can bring me the level of safety, love and skill needed to give me what I want in bed.

ONS is an absolute worst nightmare scenario whether I am 23 or 63.

Exactly.

Monogamy is probably best for society, ie: parenting, families, support etc. But sometimes the key ingredient of passion fades away, which is sad.

But monogamy is probably not a natural way to be. I suspect having a number of longer term lovers (l’m old school and use old terms) and the variety is more rewarding to the individual woman than a string of ONS. Then bring on the double standards and the slut shaming.

OP, it’s clearly time for you, commitment free, to get out there and enjoy. You owe it to yourself. Have fun, stay safe and remember smart women carry condoms.

Personally l’ve never had a ONS in the truest sense of the word. I’ve had some lovely “one offs”, but spending the night with someone afterwards, no!!!

❤️

Same here.

I don’t want anything other than a monogamous relationship. I’d rather be on my own.

DH is the love of my life and I look forward to being with him only for the rest of it.
It feels much richer and more meaningful than that inital excitement.

I agree OP.

I think periods of monogamy can be great and I think monogamy through the period of child raising is probably optimal.

But monogamy for life is just insanely restrictive.

When people say their parents have been happily married for 60 years or whatever something dies inside me. I can’t think of anything more stifling and miserable than being with the same person at 70 who you fancied at 20. Biologically it makes no sense.

The great thing about today is women no longer have to tp make peace with the idea that they are yoked together with the same bloke for the rest of their lives.

Relationships aren’t just about sex, though, are they?
They're about finances, life practicalities, parenting, moral compatibility… the list goes on.
If you’re trying to justify having a loose sex life, don’t do it by pretending that monogamy is a problem. Just own your choice - it is yours after all!

I did a lot of casual dating and ONS when I was younger, now I am married and definitely prefer monogamy personally. But I am glad that I had other experiences when I was younger so I am not wondering what else is out there. I think a lot of people are happy with monogamy from the start though and don’t want to try anything else. Being in relationship with only one person your whole life is not going to work for everyone though (especially starting at 20) as you change so much - but the answer to that for most people isn’t giving up on monogamous relationships.

This is partially true: certainly when you are raising young children it has to be based on more than sex.

But that period lasts at most 20 years.

I see so many older couples who are in a constant state of suppressed fury at one another and I think “what’s keeping you together other than shared money and history?”

In many of these cases the people in the relationship are holding one another back and its so limiting. I think most people in later life crave a bit of freedom from the millstone of family life. Wouldn’t it be nice if people could part amicably after they have raised their family and do what makes them happy rather than clinging on to a severely unhealthy comfort blanket of a dead relationship?

Why is sex different / better if its with different people ?
I ve had a lot of sex during my lifetime but with just two people and I was married to them at the time .
Why would that sex be better if it had involved having it with lots of individuals ?