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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

141 replies

OneDayAfterTheNext · 07/12/2025 23:02

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

We're not genetically designed for one partner for life and if we were surely we've evolved. Sex among humans isn't just for reproduction and surely one of the benefits of our evolution is the joy of sex for pleasure? It follows that variety is part of the pleasure.

I had a near 30 year relationship, lovely as it was, the buzz and inhibition of a ONS just wasn't there. We never got married, which was right for us both to not not commit and make a mockery of marriage.

I'm thinking at 50, I'm ready for those encounters again, why not? What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free sh*g?

OP posts:
ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 21:44

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 04:28

And no, men's sex drives are not higher than women's. This is a comment I posted on another thread.

I forgot to add too that sex therapists have stated clearly that they often have women complaining that they want more sex than their husband.

As I said elsewhere, the daft theories invented by men to explain why men just had to screw around are just that - daft and completely debunked theories.

Modern theory has it that early humans, moved around in small groups where the women had sex with several men in the group for protection and to ensure that if pregnant the men would not know if it was their offspring or not, ensuring her their care and resources.

This also explains why women are multi orgasmic - to encourage them to seek out lots of different types of healthy sperm, and why women have evolved to mask their fertile period, most men have no idea when she is at her most fertile and cannot guess if they are the father based on that.

It also explains sperm wars. Sperm lives inside women for a couple of days, if she has sex with several different men then only the strongest sperm will conquer the other sperm, they actually fight one another to get to the egg.

Read the book What Women Really Want by Daniel Bergner, it utterly debunks the notion that men are more sexual than women. Using devices to measure arousal, men and women were both shown lots of sexual images. The women were aroused by pretty much everything, no matter if they identified themselves as heterosexual or not. However men who identified as heterosexual were mainly aroused by heterosexual images. Women even indicated physical arousal from watching Bonobos get it on.

Eye tracking technology also proves that women look at the shoulder to hip ratio, then men's bottoms and if the penis is on view the penis is very interesting to women.

And then there's the huge elephant in the room nobody wants to address. It is a fact that around 3 years in to a relationship, women's sexual interest in their current partner dips massively.

But it's not that she doesn't want sex. It's that she doesn't want sex with HIM.

Introduce her favourite fantasy man and she is instantly sexual again.

This is nature's way of ensuring women will sleep around. Men, however, are almost always still very interested in their female partners sexually, often all throughout the relationship however long it lasts.

It also explains the absolutely extraordinary lengths men have always gone to to try to keep their women away from other men, from chastity belts to violence to constant societal scolding - if men weren't worried about women sleeping around none of this would be necessary at all.

And none of this is to say, at all, that just because women are wired for sleeping with many different men that they have to, or they should.

Both sexes are physically wired for many partners - particularly women - but mentally, it turns out (see all of history) that we are very much wired for the pair bond, most of us anyway.

Both sexes have the choice to do the right thing, always, or the wrong thing.
There is no get out of jail free card for men or women. Doing the wrong thing by the person who loves and trusts you is always entirely a choice.

And all of that in response to the usual comment trying to explain away why men behave like fucking shits.

The reason men behave more like fucking shits than women do is NOT a higher sex drive, it is being far more powerful and getting do what they like with fewer consequences, and that is coupled with lower empathy. NOT sex drive.

However, the reality is that despite all of this, despite the pull of the sex drive for both sexes - people prefer monogamy, and that has remained steady. Because no matter what your hormones, vagina or penis is telling you most of us want a mate and that goes beyond and above sex, someone you can trust, who won't assault or murder you, who will have your back, nurse you, a person to confide in, to watch TV and go on holiday with - both sexes want that.

And for those who don't, no problem - just be honest about it. Sleep with anyone you want, but be upfront and honest.

Just a reminder, men as a group definitely do not have a higher sex drive than women. But they do love pretending that this, and other invented reasons, is why so many of them behave like shitbags. Don't fall for it. Educate yourself.

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 21:47

Agree that it should be destigmatised. The biggest hurdle to this is affording rent / mortgage on one salary, nothing stopping you otherwise.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 21:51

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 21:47

Agree that it should be destigmatised. The biggest hurdle to this is affording rent / mortgage on one salary, nothing stopping you otherwise.

What should be destigmatised? There is no stigma attached to people doing anything they want, so long as they are honest about it with prospective fuck buddies etc.

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 22:22

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 21:51

What should be destigmatised? There is no stigma attached to people doing anything they want, so long as they are honest about it with prospective fuck buddies etc.

I think there is a stigma? I don’t understand how you could possibly want to disagree with me on something like this.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 22:29

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 22:22

I think there is a stigma? I don’t understand how you could possibly want to disagree with me on something like this.

I don't understand why you think people can't ask you perfectly reasonable questions when you state something they do not agree with or want clarification on.

I asked you what should be destigmatised as I was genuinely confused and though I must have misunderstood your meaning -- since there is no stigma in people doing whatever they want in or out of relationships, provided they are honest with their potential fuck buddies etc and all involved and stick to agreed to boundaries.

Perhaps your experience is different, but that's what I have seen and experienced.

People generally rightfully despise liars and cheats, aside from that nobody cares.

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 23:59

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 22:29

I don't understand why you think people can't ask you perfectly reasonable questions when you state something they do not agree with or want clarification on.

I asked you what should be destigmatised as I was genuinely confused and though I must have misunderstood your meaning -- since there is no stigma in people doing whatever they want in or out of relationships, provided they are honest with their potential fuck buddies etc and all involved and stick to agreed to boundaries.

Perhaps your experience is different, but that's what I have seen and experienced.

People generally rightfully despise liars and cheats, aside from that nobody cares.

Edited

Ok so you think there’s no stigma and I think there is. It’s a long winded process this though to get to the same conclusion. It seems we both agree that there shouldn’t be one anyway so that’s good.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 10/12/2025 00:07

Lamentingalways · 09/12/2025 23:59

Ok so you think there’s no stigma and I think there is. It’s a long winded process this though to get to the same conclusion. It seems we both agree that there shouldn’t be one anyway so that’s good.

You think a couple of comments is long-winded? That seems odd, but each to their own.

Yep, you can believe that if you want to, I was just clarifying by asking a perfectly reasonable and polite question, as people do on comment forums.

Agree to disagree.

mrlistersgelfbride · 10/12/2025 00:10

YANBU .. I’m not really into monogamy but many people are. I find it a little boring to think about and ONS do sound fun, but when I had them in my late teens to mid 20s I just felt used and crap after. Plus a lot of men are average to disappointing at sex.

So not sure what I’m into to be honest 🤣
I’ll stick with a good vibrator and my imagination.

Lamentingalways · 10/12/2025 00:28

ohnotthisagain2020 · 10/12/2025 00:07

You think a couple of comments is long-winded? That seems odd, but each to their own.

Yep, you can believe that if you want to, I was just clarifying by asking a perfectly reasonable and polite question, as people do on comment forums.

Agree to disagree.

Ok that’s great, I wish we could have done that by just leaving our own comments and not feeling the need to tell one another we disagreed but here I am typing a response at 12.30am 😂

User565635 · 10/12/2025 02:23

For men definitely yes. For me as a mid 40's woman I have no interest in ever having sex again.

StrawberryShieldsForever · 10/12/2025 04:27

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 21:44

Just a reminder, men as a group definitely do not have a higher sex drive than women. But they do love pretending that this, and other invented reasons, is why so many of them behave like shitbags. Don't fall for it. Educate yourself.

Men seem actually more invested in telling us that women would have just as high a sex drive as they do, which seems like projection. I think they just wish we did.

As if all the barriers and shame around sex were eliminated, we’d just sleep around (or, ummm, attempt to) like they do. Just another male fantasy

ohnotthisagain2020 · 10/12/2025 04:33

StrawberryShieldsForever · 10/12/2025 04:27

Men seem actually more invested in telling us that women would have just as high a sex drive as they do, which seems like projection. I think they just wish we did.

As if all the barriers and shame around sex were eliminated, we’d just sleep around (or, ummm, attempt to) like they do. Just another male fantasy

Not what I said, at all, not relevant to my comment, but you may have a point about some men wanting that.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 10/12/2025 04:36

Lamentingalways · 10/12/2025 00:28

Ok that’s great, I wish we could have done that by just leaving our own comments and not feeling the need to tell one another we disagreed but here I am typing a response at 12.30am 😂

Yes, I am sure you would love just being able to post edicts and instruct everyone that they need to listen only to you, agree with you entirely and not ever respond to anything you chose to publicly post on a forum which is all about replies and interaction - but that is not at all how comment threads work.

You should start your own blog or YouTube channel, turn off comments and then you can give lectures to the world with no feedback at all. Although some people might then link to your words and disagree with them elsewhere.

The safest way to ensure that absolutely nobody replies to you or disagrees with you is to post nothing, anywhere, ever online.

But as you clearly want to make your opinions known online on this forum people will just keep responding to you and some will disagree with you. Such is life.

SandyY2K · 10/12/2025 05:19

Different strokes, for different folks.
Monogamy is not for everyone, just like marriage, relationships and the commitment that comes with it aren't for everyone.

Some people are more suited to open relationships and ethical non monogamy.

Catladywithoutacat · 10/12/2025 11:07

i could

TheonlywayIcouldbe · 10/12/2025 14:24

My husband and I opened up our relationship after 20 years together. Works well- we are still together but we can date/ sleep with other people. Stops it getting boring.

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