To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

[OneDayAfterTheNext]

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

We're not genetically designed for one partner for life and if we were surely we've evolved. Sex among humans isn't just for reproduction and surely one of the benefits of our evolution is the joy of sex for pleasure? It follows that variety is part of the pleasure.

I had a near 30 year relationship, lovely as it was, the buzz and inhibition of a ONS just wasn't there. We never got married, which was right for us both to not not commit and make a mockery of marriage.

I'm thinking at 50, I'm ready for those encounters again, why not? What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free sh*g?

If that unhappiness is the case, then of course, yes, they should separate.
My experience is that once the kids have gone, couples find a new lease of life together, do more travel, socialise with friends more etc.

I’m 62. I feel no desire for freedom in later life. I like having stuck with Dh and weathered the storms together.

Horse for courses.

I have a perfectly happy marriage, currently, and no desire for a one night commitment free shag.

If you do, that’s fine, whatever does it for you.

Different lovers react differently, do things differently and provide variety. It stops things going stale. There is a downside too, so it’s a case of weighing up what works for the individual.

There’s no right or wrong here.

I’m always puzzled though when you hear the “only ever been with one partner” stories. Personally, when l became sexually active (l refuse to subscribe to the misogynistic “lost virginity” rubbish), l was keen to find out what another person felt like.

Its not so much about the commitment free shag.

Its that for me long term relationships are usually very restrictive: deadening and stifling.

I could live without sex, but I find the thought of being locked into a state of frustration and suppressed resentment terrifying.

What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free shg**

OP why on earth have you put an asterisk instead of the a in shag? It’s incongruous with the rest of your post.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with enjoying good, commitment-free sex, but as you’re so prim you can’t bring yourself to type very mild words relating to the act of copulation perhaps it’s not right for you.

I’m just trying to figure out what the OP means by the ‘buzz and inhibition of a ONS’. Surely it’s a lack of inhibition that’s exciting? Sorry for derailing a bit.

Other than that, whatever floats your boat. Just don’t cheat on someone who is under the impression that you’re committed to only them.

Doesn't work for you, fine. Works for me so far.

In agree with this, I don't think i could ever have the mental energy/ bandwidth to do anything but monogomy, but this doesn't rule out ONS, I had them when i was younger and maybe be will again soon as i am divorcing immeniently. Even when I was dating, it was one at a time, but we are all different.

Each to their own. I am very happy in my monogamous marriage (22 years thus far, we’ve been together for 27) and hope it lasts until one of us dies. I enjoyed a few ONS as a young woman but wouldn’t want that now. Nor would I want a Fuck Buddy or a Friend with Benefits or any of that. I just want my husband thank you.

Same.

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years and it seems to work for us so far.

I think life stresses are usually the reason for people starting to feel differently about themselves and their partner and beginning to look outside the relationship.

We had dc almost straight after meeting so the young dc drudgery happened when we still really liked each other and kind of wanted to impress each other so we breezed it and our sex life never dwindled. Being young and fit probably helped tbh.

Having a relationship you don’t feel the need to escape from is a good starting point. It’s so easy now with social media etc to see what everyone else has got and be offered opportunities to cheat or feel that you’re missing out but personally, DH and I both feel that we’re punching in our relationship in different ways.

Yes I could go and have sex with someone I found attractive but what then? I wouldn’t choose them over the lovely life I have with my husband and the father of my dc so what would be the point of hurting everyone. If I just want sex I can have it with DH and everyone is happy.

I remember a friend telling me that if her husband cheated, so long as he used a condom and didn’t contact them again etc, she wouldn’t care. She said it would only be an issue if it changed their relationship in some way (ie he stopped having sex with her, pursued an actual affair, or left). She said her priority was keeping her nice home, stability in her family and so on.

At the time I was shocked, but years down the line I sort of understand it. I doubt I would sell our family home, move our DC’s schools and put us all in a precarious financial position when tbh I’m not a hugely jealous person and have no intention of ‘going digging’.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s outdated or not. People do their own thing.

Dude OP alert!

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

Average age of UK marriages is 32/33, life expectancy from age 30 is to reach age 80.

My rule of thumb that anyone who starts their post with "I'm going to get flamed for this" or the like is actually posting nothing controversial continues to hold.

If you’re locked into a state of frustration and suppressed resentment, then you don’t have a good relationship. You have a relationship you should probably end.

DP and I are in an ENM relationship. Been together for 6 years. I’m 51.

I was monogamous for 15 years whilst raising my children. But, after divorcing in 2019, the last thing I wanted was another monogamous relationship.

It’s not about ONS or shagging whoever I want. I enjoy the freedom of meeting new people without normal societal constraints. I can go out to dinner with a nice chap without any expectation that it’s a date or that I’m looking for a boyfriend, it’s just nice getting to know people for themselves with no agenda. Some have become good friends, some have become lovers, some have never been seen again..! I might have one relationship where we go travelling together and another relationship where we do sports together. Different people bring different dynamics and I like surrounding myself with interesting companions. I hope they benefit from knowing me too.

Ultimately DP and I prioritise each other and are completely honest with each other. If he said he didn’t want me to see a particular person, I’d respect that. The same is true for him seeing other people. We don’t always get to have our cake and eat it!

Surprisingly having this freedom has strengthened our relationship. I don’t need to feel insecure about him chatting to pretty girls online because I know he’d just ask me if he wanted to meet someone else and he’d respect my opinion. So the trust between us is very deep.

It’s not for everyone and most people I think are fundamentally monogamous but it works for us. I do notice that younger people seem to be much more open to alternative relationship models and hierarchies, so perhaps times are changing as women are more independent and put off having children.

Not sure it is outdated as majority of people when they get married believe they will stay faithful and some do and are happy with this others don't as they have got bored, fallen out of love or just because the opportunity is there are they can't resist that excitement. There isn't one reason why

but people always have been unfaithful, its just easier now to meet others and women no longer have the same worries over birth control and this will have absolutely held some women back

Just as monogamy isn't for everyone, writing it off and declaring the whole world non-monogamous is ridiculous too. To each, their own.

I'm on my second marriage to a man I love deeply, and have an excellent life with. In theory, we are non-monogamous and have each in the past dated others. None of those relationships (ONS isn't the thing for me, I need to have a connection with someone to want to have sex with them) lasted, and the upshot is that our relationship has been essentially monogamous for a while now. He can date whomever he pleases, within our agreed boundaries, and I can do the same. That we have both chosen not to because, frankly, we never found partners that were anywhere near as fulfilling as the one we each have, tells me that we're pretty well matched.

Each to their own.
Live and let live.

I wouldn't want to be one that has had a succession of marrages or DC with different partners and all the dramas that go with it that I read about on MN..

In fact now being mid 60's and having been with DH since we were both 17 I'm fortunate to now be past those years.

Were very much a couple but not joined at the hip.

The thing everyone hates about posts like this OP is that you're presenting your lifestyle choice as the only correct one, which is just really stupid isn't it? Because there's no such thing as a universally correct lifestyle.

Personally, I find the idea of shagging around a bunch of strangers really unappealing. ONS are almost always disappointing because let's be real, a vast majority of men are selfish lovers and even moreso when they know they don't have to see the woman again.

If it works for you that's fine but suggesting that people who prefer monogamy must be somehow less evolved than you makes you just sound like a fucking moron and completely over shadows any valid points you may have had.

I look forward to growing old with my husband, been together 35 years so getting there!
I do think people are different, some are like me, and others haven't met someone they want to be with forever, and want to be with new people.
Both are OK.
Edited for spelling

Same here!

If I wasn't with dh then I probably wouldn't have another sexual relationship. I just can't imaging being bothered with it.

I had plenty of no strings sex before I met dh and it really wasn't all that either. My first orgasm with another person was with him and we have great sex consistently because we're comfortable and know what works for each other. Maybe if my body worked differently I'd feel differently, but it doesn't and I don't.

Other people are free to live their lives however they like.