To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

[OneDayAfterTheNext]

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

We're not genetically designed for one partner for life and if we were surely we've evolved. Sex among humans isn't just for reproduction and surely one of the benefits of our evolution is the joy of sex for pleasure? It follows that variety is part of the pleasure.

I had a near 30 year relationship, lovely as it was, the buzz and inhibition of a ONS just wasn't there. We never got married, which was right for us both to not not commit and make a mockery of marriage.

I'm thinking at 50, I'm ready for those encounters again, why not? What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free sh*g?

I think you've misunderstood the meaning of monogamy. It means only having one partner at a time. It certainly doesn't mean 'til death do us part'. And fortunately even being married doesn't mean you can't split up. So unless you think we should all be having multiple relationships at once, obviously YABU.

I've been happily married for over 20 years. If I somehow ended up single, I'd stay that way. I wouldn't be interested in another relationship (long-term or short-term).

I dont think its unrealistic, I just think that it wasnt ever right that society ever thought the following was going to ever be a good setup for happy lasting relationships:

• Marrying the first person you ever date seriously, or literally the first person you ever date.
• Getting married before you've ever experienced the formative thing that is dealing with a breakup!
• Romanticising 'first love' and 'childhood sweethearts' rather than 'someone who loves you, who you love, who treats you well'
• Marrying in your early twenties before your brain fully develops
• Having babies young before you've really grown up
• Having relationship role models around us who did the same
• Having a system where men were expected to earn a wage and maybe do a bit of gardening/car maintenance and women were expected to do everything else

Only if you want it to be.

Monogamy doesn’t mean one partner for life. It’s about bringing faithful to one person you’re currently a relationship with and that works for me. I can’t understand wanting several sexual partners at the same time

It will be interesting to see what happens to marriage if the tech billionaires manage to extend the lifespan. There is quite a buzz building around AI and its use in medical research. It may well turbo charge advances in longevity medicine. We may even see the first anti-ageing drugs within ten years. What will happen if average lifespans go from 80 to 120 or 130 or even 150? Could people stay loyal for 100+ years?

A ONS never appealed to me.
You never know where they've been. No thanks.

Been with DH for 17 years, since I was 18. He is my only sexual partner and I'm very happy with that. I feel completely safe, adored and comfortable with him. He is always happy to please and really cares about my pleasure. I can't imagine a ONS being better, as they don't know my body or preferences. Monogamy isn't outdated, but communication is so important for a satisfying relationship.

It isn’t right for everyone hence why so many people have extramarital affairs or just never settle down at all… That isn’t the say it doesn’t work for some though. I work with someone who has only ever had one partner, they’ve been together since school and married for 20 years. To me, this is unfathomable but it clearly works for them.

I think some people struggle with confidence and self esteem so when they meet someone who actually loves them, they stick with them. I know that sounds cynical but this guy doesn’t think much of himself and he isn’t very attractive so I guess he’s just stuck with the first girl who showed him attention. For others it’s habit I guess, easier to stay than become single later in life and have to date again. Then a few do genuinely find the person they love quite young and it works out.

the issue is not monogomy. the issue is pretending you are faithful then fucking around behind your partners back.

Surely it comes down to what you want from a relationship? For some people they will crave what you refer to and others prefer the 'comfort' of monogamy. I don't think either is right/wrong/outdated or otherwise, people just want different things from relationships, or don't want relationships at all. Both are fine, providing you don't go around being dishonest and hurting people.

Secondly, not everyone finds the idea of having sex with someone they don't know or trust, and who isn't familiar with their body, or their likes and dislikes, to be appealing.

100% agree. This is the reason I've never had any one night stands. And I LOVE sex, anywhere and everywhere with DH. But the idea of some drunken oik all over me, who doesn't know a thing about me and doesn't want to either. Grim.

I remember my much older cousin crying to my DM once when drunk about all the men she'd had shit sex with, none of them cared about her enough to bother with her pleasure, and she was too people pleasing to do anything but fake it and pretend she'd had a great time. It was terrible for her mental health. She was so much happier when she dated/married her DH.

Why do you need other people's approval?

You are a grown up and you can choose whatever suits you best.

As long as you are honest from the start with any potential partner and make it clear that you are not looking for exclusive or long-term relationship then it is perfectly fine to decide that monogamy is not for you.

Just musing...
If you take sex out of the equation, would you be happy to live with your best friend for the rest of your life?
Or your parents?
Or your sibling?
On an intellectual level, I think it's bizarre that we choose one partner and spend our whole life with them. We grow, we change, we take on different personas.
How weird is it that out chosen partner is expected to follow the same pattern, or meekly accept the changes?

This is purely on the outside, looking in now, my DH died a couple of years ago. He was my life, I adored the man. We'd been married for 30 years when he died, and although i loved him implicitly, our lives were separate, I had my interests, he had his, we were more ( very happy) companions when he died, not lovers.
I have no interest in any romantic liaisons, bee n there, done that. But, I still think the 'one partner for life' is not natural. 😏

In this day & age though you dont have to get glammed up & go out on the pull.

If all you are looking for is a one night stand, you can arrange that from the comfort of your own sofa now, and he'll be round in half an hour.

Each to their own. I've been in my relationship for nearly 15 years now. I like monogamy.

Nobody is preventing you from shagging around. Is it that the people you'd like to shag are in monogamous relationships and so are not available to you? Complaining to Mumsnet won't solve that, try Reddit

Well, I was fine with it, but you do you, 👍

I think different things suit different people. I have spent my life in a mixture of long term relationships and fwb, and I love both. I don’t think I could do “for life” as I do miss the new feeling.
The affair stats agree with my way.
But many love being with the same person too

Genetics have fuck all to do with anything.

I find it really sad when people can't imagine themselves getting old with their partners.

I'm looking forward to drooping ears and hairy nostrils and helping each other down steps.

I don't want to go through life acting like a middle aged male cliche, thinking I need to upgrade every few years for excitement.

Feck that.

I want companionship and a friendship that stands the test of time.

Not a stealth boast but Im in a committed loving relationship and the sex is amazing. Im in my 50s too and was single for most of my 40s and tried ONS, and casual relationships and it did absolutely nothing for me. If me and my DP split I would not go back to that. I worked out very quickly that as much as I love sex - I only love it in a proper monogamous relationship. That isn't socialisation or being conservative because I gave it a red hot try and was open to exploring that side of myself. But not to be crass, but men in ONS just didn't make me orgasm - it just was all a bit shit and grubby. I was always left feeling frustrated and bored by it all. I need connection - and that takes time.

I don't judge women who can do the casual thing - in fact Im pretty envious, because if you enjoy that its soooooo easy to find! Fill your boots I say. But I don't think monogamy is outdated or unrealistic. I think some people love it and some don't.

It's not for me! I like going to bed next to my husband who knows what I like and how to do it. There's a lot to be said for the trust built up and the great sex that comes with it imo.

It’s 2025/6. If you want to sleep with multiple people / have lots of relationships you can… but I find people trying to take down monogamy really annoying. It ain’t happening.

I think you can be a monogamist but also enjoy ONS when you are single. I don’t think you have to be one type of person.

Right. I think most of us practice serial monogamy. The only time I cheated on anyone was on holiday abroad I kissed a bloke when I had a boyfriend, I was about 20 at the time, felt shithouse about it and have never done anything like that since, cheating and multiple partners is not for me - but I am certainly not still with my first serious boyfriend from decades ago!

We are emotionally wired to pair bond, and we do best when we have our own one special person. Whether that looks like one year, ten years, twenty or fifty - monogamy is not getting less popular (despite what some would have you believe).

Each to their own, and so long as the OP is being honest with their "commitment free shags" good luck to them, but I think the gloss will wear off that pretty soon.

🤮