2 nights staying over is enough!

[Anonymous2211]

I'd like to get a general vibe of how many nights you can have people staying over at your house before you just want your space back!. I'm a private person, my social battery drops off a cliff by the second evening so I am considering having a 2 night rule. My husband doesn't agree (because it suits him to not set boundaries plus its his side of the family that stay as they have to travel 1.5 hours to get to us). For my particular situation, I have a small house and this puts one of my children out of their bed which really stresses me out. They are OK on the sofa or air bed but again, more than 2 nights I find really overwhelming and not fair. You also can't relax in the evening as I have to make the sofa or air bed and leave the lounge so they can sleep.(no space in bedrooms for air bed) It just really affects house dynamics and causes me so much work! Typically every 6-10 weeks. Any thoughts?

90m? That's a nice drive length! Enough for you to listen to something properly without getting overtired.

Do you ever make the return trip though?

Could you forestall the next visit by suggesting a day trip to their neck of the woods and go home the same day? Then next time you see them, stick to two nights?

Break the pattern and the habit.

Husband is the father of all the children and they are all in secondary and beyond, they all need their own space and do find this quite annoying too.

People who I have to entertain - 3 nights max (unless I’ve got to work, then 2 max)
People who I don’t have to entertain and will muck in/make themselves at home/make themselves scarce - as long as they need to be here but they usually have a self imposed max of 3 nights anyway
Caveat to the above is if DD has to give up her room and sleep elsewhere - then it’s a 1 night max for whoever is taking her bed (this is usually only a Xmas issue)

I agree with others that 90 mins each way is totally fine as a day trip. An overnight stay can be nice so they can have a drink or so they can avoid driving in the dark (for anxious drivers like me!), but seems overkill to stay 2 nights when you live so close by.

1.5 hours is nothing! Why can they just come for the day/ lunch?

If they absolutely have to stay then one night is plenty. They can arrive in time for lunch on Saturday and leave after brunch on Sunday.

I've instigated a 2 night maximum. It means a nice evening welcoming them, one whole day to go out with the visitor then you wake up knowing they'll be off. Some of my friends have been a bit shocked but I've explained I just can't manage any longer.

This is a really good suggestion and one I've actually started working on, the issue is these visits are now an expectation, one I didn't sign up for. All this is not really in my nature, I don't want anyone over night as accommodating is physically taxing and I find the entertaining draining. My family travel and never have the need to stay as will drive home

We have folks to stay often, some for a couple of days, some up to a week, so I guess a week is my limit. Prefer 3 or 4 days. Enough time to catch up and go places. Not so long that you run out of things to chat about.

BUT - we give up our room if it is for parents, anyone else takes pot luck on sofa and or sofa bed downstairs.... wouldn't dream of chucking the kids out of their room (especially now Dd is 24 and a teacher - she needs her sleep... and her hideaway).

Ha! I frequently make my little minor life dilemmas into AIBUs in my head too 😆🙌

Exactly this, all of my family are like me and love to get home to their own beds after a day out or visiting. He absolutely wouldn't want the hassle of accommodating my family.

Just to add, I completely sympathise.

We're spending Christmas day with friends with a similar-aged child because ILs are very full on, and expect a full evening of fun and games when we've been up since sparrow's fart and just want to chill out with a film and a glass of wine. (Actually, that's just MIL - tbf, last year FIL, BIL and SIL were all itching to head home, but MIL always wants to drag events out).

We never have anyone stay at our house and we don’t stay at anyone else’s. There just isn’t the need and as this thread shows most people don’t like it anyway.

Once you stop doing it you’ll find it soon becomes the accepted way of things and nobody mentions it ever again.

I genuinely would rather go to work and avoid everything than have family stay overnight or to stay at their houses. I’d find it stifling.

Let Your ILs sleep in the lounge. Don’t make them so comfortable.
2 nights max.

1.5 hours is not long so I don’t see why they can’t drive back. I night would be enough for me but we do have a spare bedroom. If you don’t I would give them the number of a local hotel. If it is your DHs family let him sort them out in terms of beds, cooking, shopping etc. Don’t sort out the lounge and just use as normal and your DH can sort them out while you have a relaxing bath. Luckily our family pay for hotels or b and b when they come down as they live 5 hours away. As do we when we visit them.

OP, I feel your pain. SIL, who lives a long way from us (too far for a day trip) is prone to inviting herself to stay, often midweek, and sometimes for days at a time. She conveniently forgets DH and I work full time, whereas she is retired. We have plenty of space but the extra domestic work and having to be “on” all the time is exhausting. This has caused a lot of friction between DH and I.

A journey of 1.5 hrs I wouldn't expect an overnight stay AT ALL

Maybe next time put the visitors on the airbeds in the lounge.

I do tend to speak/write in the way you have described as 'my house' ect, but to clear things up we've been married for a couple of decades now with teenage and adult children. This is a grandparent that has recently moved from a sunny climate to be close to family and so I've had absolutely no say in this new dynamic. I suspect I am being lined up as a carer so I know I need to put the breaks on now. I really needed to hear from others that this is too much and im not being mean spirited. It wouldn't actually matter who is visiting, I can't stand the demands it puts on the family and awful as it is to say, it's so limiting and boring.

In your circumstances 1, absolute maximum.

Oooooooh!! You HAVE made me smile!! 😹! Absolutely bang on! I’m getting full AIBU obsessed, too!! …. HOW have I not really known this was a thing!!! I’m totally with you, literally the amount of times I’ve thought ………”Ok, so,.🤔🤷‍♀️…….?!”! I really got tickled by your “ absolutely no reason to be on here”…. 😻… LOVE IT!!!!! You’ve cheered up my Sunday night blues!

Re the AIBU OP…!.. . For what it’s worth, I’m with the sodding off upstairs to bed, and letting DH sort the air bed sitch out for his family! And! re PP, my commute when I still lived in London was over 11/2 hours each way, too! Two nights is way more than enough!… 💁‍♀️

They travel 90mins - why are they even staying?!?!

I think if you make it so the guests have to sleep in the lounge on the sofa and an airbed, it’ll be less desirable and you’ll get what you want that way, too.
I’d limit the number of nights they stay over as it does seem to stress you out, but I’d also be saying, “just so you know, next time you come
to stay, DC will be keeping their room and you’ll have to go in the living room.”
Don’t explain, don’t discuss. That’s what’s happening. Tell DC what’s what and say they need to stick with you so they’re not pushed into giving up their room. I know you said they don’t mind, but if it’s that frequent, it’s time the guests acted like guests and didn’t force someone out of their private space.

I moved house and I only had one friend in mind who I'd want to visit when decorating the spare room/office. It's the smallest out of my two spare rooms and at the time my mum was telling me I should use the larger room and have a proper double bed for guests. Absolutely not!

That particular friend is the only person I've had to stay and she came for 2 nights. Years ago she was working in Paris and when I was planning to visit her she told me straight that I couldn't stay the 3 nights I had in mind and that 2 was her limit. I really respected her for that!

I don't want guests and I dont encourage them. OP I think you need to stand your ground as this sounds excessive. At the very least, leave your husband to do the hosting workspace its his relative.

I saw my auntie this weekend (mum's sister) who lives locally and she's suggesting I invite another auntie (dad's sister) to stay. This is just because they get on and she fancies a day/evening out that of course I would be organising. It's important not to fall into the role of facilitating family staying in contact and meet up with each other as its a very difficult dynamic to change.

Yes, this. See what happens then. And disappear upstairs earlier in the evening and leave DH to chat, make up the beds etc. It's unfair on the teens to keep on with this.

So one of these visitors is your husband’s grandparent? Fair enough, giving up your own bed if they arrive with DBIL, say, is not the answer. Hence the teenager having to scram every time of course.
(I really do think this is an outrage though)

Why are they all visiting you so often like this? Sorry for the questions btw, as you only asked about a time limit on visits)
If they must have sight of your husband so much, then he should be driving to them. Maybe you live in a cottage in Cumbria and they live in an urban hellscape but even so, they’re really having a laugh at your expense. As is he.

After two decades of marriage, your DH knows your pressure points very well and should be cushioning them for you, rather than the opposite.
Anyway, I do hope you can find a way to be heard, to be listened to, and to have your needs put ahead of the holidaying irritants.