DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

[Jaydee92]

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

I once gave my then partner the benefit of the doubt over something similar to this as I couldn’t bring myself to end it over something that was somewhat borderline in my mind.

Yep he then went on to act on it with someone else a year or so later when we were supposedly ‘trying to sort out some issues’ in our relationship!

That was then the end but I should have seen the writing was on the wall. To cap it all she was a mutual colleague of both of us who gave zero sh*ts and was unrepentant when I confronted her.
Oh and she was married.

Not cheating unless they’ve slept together. Not acceptable though and needs a lot of open communication between the two of you before you can decide what to do.

It IS unacceptable. Ace your interview, don't have kids with him, raise your bar higher and enjoy a better life without him.

And yep, definitely cheating, as stated there is physical and non physical cheating.

Two questions - does it break our agreed to boundaries? Answer, yes. Would he have done it in front of me? Answer, no.

So it's cheating.

And tbh he probably already had physically cheated already when you caught him non physically cheating.

What are the odds that someone would get caught the very first time they cheated? Absolutely miniscule.

There's always a contact offence as a police officer friend used to say.

If this is how he sees fit to behave when he's got the horn, can you really be arsed to put up with the next time he does this? That fact he tried to defend it tells you what you need to know! What happens next time he meets someone at a work event? He's disgusting

Do not have children with this man. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better and this will only get worse and more complicated with children involved. He has shown his true self to you.

That is clear cut cheating for me. I would end the relationship over that.

His own fault for allowing you access to his phone and notifications. He will learn and pay the consequences now.

His own fault for cheating. He will pay the consequences now.

Possibly.
Turns out here has lifelong form 😬

Wishing you look for your interview. I hope it's the outcome you want.

Good god. Do not have kids with him.

He will cheat on you when the opportunity arises.

He may already have - he clearly feels entitled to do as he pleases; his reaction when you caught him out is very telling: "I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’."

So, how on earth will he cope when you have had a baby and your focus is quite rightly on your newborn, and you are recovering from birth, and too touched-out and knackered for sex?

You will never be able to trust him, and nor should you.

Yep it just is cheating, and I am very tired of the attempts to minimise the dreadful harm and intentions behind all cheating including non physical cheating - not by you, I mean just in general.

The definition of cheating is to act dishonestly or unfairly to gain an advantage. And that's what this is.

He's a treacherous pig. I hope she has the sense she was born with and does not have children with this man.

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, it's the norm that there is physical cheating if there is non physical cheating - and it's almost never that they are caught the first time.

Get rid, he clearly wants to explore other options. You are wasting your time on him.
If he is doing this while TTC then he will be 100 times worse if you get pregnantnand arent up for sex, have a new baby and are tired all the time and things get tough and monotomous.
He's just not committed.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

@Jaydee92, in my marriage this is absolutely cheating. And in answer to his remorseless statement above — plenty did indeed happen. He was actively connecting sexually with this OW.

He’s been making a fool of you. Having clearly been flirting on video, they ramped it up in public at the party and into the next day/evening. He was pursuing her and lapping up the illicit thrills while at home with you. He is entitled, self-serving, and non-monogamous. Be aware that, in addition to his cheating, his defensiveness and minimizing make him a poor risk for successful reconciliation.

In my view, his sleeping in the spare room is a slap on the wrist. He needs to feel the loss of you to understand that you mean business, so send him away while you weigh your options. Personally, his infidelity and massive disrespect/disloyalty would be dealbreakers for me. He would be permanently gone. If you stay you’ll be sentencing yourself to a life of perpetual anxiety and uncertainty. I certainly wouldn’t have a baby with such an immature, weak-boundaried, untrustworthy man.

@Jaydee92, I encourage you to contact OW’s partner. His agency has also been stolen, and he too deserves to know what is going on in his relationship.

Throw him back! You don’t want a baby with this man

Go through his phone properly. This definitely isn't a first

It's probably not the first time sexting with this woman, or other women at his work, it's just he was too drunk/hungover to remember to delete everything.

I wouldn't waste my time checking, I'd just move on, he is 100% NOT father material.

I’d consider it on the minor end of cheating. A bit more serious than going to a strip bar, but not as serious as kissing or anywhere near as serious as having sex.

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me on its own, but it might be the straw…

Get your interview out of the way and then have a think about what you want from your relationship and whether you honestly think you can get it, given his actions.

You'd consider getting pregnant and being vulnerable and dependent on a man who tells random women he can't stop staring at their tits?

Each to their own, I suppose.

I’d rather read the Beano (is it still going), than read a load of bullshit that excuses shit behaviour because someone has a penis.

I would be so upset. How dare he behave like this. I would definitely be texting her and telling her to stop being a flirt. I really feel sad for you, and your husband needs a sharp shock. Tell him to leave the house as you are so hurt by his bullshit. He will see the error of his ways and wont do it again. However if he really doesn’t care that he has hurt you, then you are better off without him. If you just give him the cold shoulder for a week then mark my words this will become more than sexting. Sorry, shitty time of year for this to be happening to you.

So so awful for you, sorry