DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

[Jaydee92]

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

Yep, and it is absolutely bollocks. The daft theories invented by men to explain why men just had to screw around are just that - daft and completely debunked theories.

Modern theory has it that early humans, moved around in small groups where the women had sex with several men in the group for protection and to ensure that if pregnant the men would not know if it was their offspring or not, ensuring her their care and resources.

This also explains why women are multi orgasmic - to encourage them to seek out lots of different types of healthy sperm, and why women have evolved to mask their fertile period, most men have no idea when she is at her most fertile and cannot guess if they are the father based on that.

It also explains sperm wars. Sperm lives inside women for a couple of days, if she has sex with several different men then only the strongest sperm will conquer the other sperm, they actually fight one another to get to the egg.

Read the book What Women Really Want by Daniel Bergner, it utterly debunks the notion that men are more sexual than women. Using devices to measure arousal, men and women were both shown lots of sexual images. The women were aroused by pretty much everything, no matter if they identified themselves as heterosexual or not. However men who identified as heterosexual were mainly aroused by heterosexual images. Women even indicated physical arousal from watching Bonobos get it on.

Eye tracking technology also proves that women look at the shoulder to hip ratio, then men's bottoms and if the penis is on view the penis is very interesting to women.

And then there's the huge elephant in the room nobody wants to address. It is a fact that around 3 years in to a relationship, women's sexual interest in their current partner dips massively.

But it's not that she doesn't want sex. It's that she doesn't want sex with HIM. Introduce her favourite fantasy man and she is instantly sexual again.

This is nature's way of ensuring women will sleep around. Men, however, are almost always still very interested in their female partners sexually, often all throughout the relationship however long it lasts.

It also explains the absolutely extraordinary lengths men have always gone to to try to keep their women away from other men, from chastity belts to violence to constant societal scolding - if men weren't worried about women sleeping around none of this would be necessary at all.

And none of this is to say, at all, that just because women are wired for sleeping with many different men that they have to, or they should.

Both sexes are physically wired for many partners - particularly women - but metnally we are very much wired for the pair bond, most of us anyway.

Both sexes have the choice to do the right thing, always, or the wrong thing.

There is no get out of jail free card for men or women. Doing the wrong thing by the person who loves and trusts you is always entirely a choice.

I can see that came across as though if it were the only thing I might just ignore it, which - no. My advice is not to ignore it and carry on regardless. It’s to get the interview out of the way and think about what OP wanted and whether she really thought she could get it with this guy.

I wouldn’t recommend a woman become dependent on a man (or another woman) if she can avoid it, regardless of how well behaved they are and previous advice on this thread to stop TTC are well founded.

But people aren’t perfect and if it’s a blip then there may still be a future between them. Plenty of relationships have survived an incident of poor behaviour of this level from one partner and gone on to be great for both parties. But it’s fine for it to be a red line for someone.

Women are dependent and vulnerable when pregnant, and if a man is in the picture particularly a shitty, selfish man like the OPs (hopefully ex) partner he will often work to make her dependent and vulnerable on him and exploit that to continue fucking around once she is reliant on him and has children by him whose life she does not wish to disrupt.

It is absolutely never a blip to cheat on your partner. Not ever. It is a choice he made to be a sleazy creep. It is not the first time, I would bet ten thousand pounds on that. Sleazy creeps don't suddenly emerge from a cocoon of decency in their 30s.

And he won't change, he has no reason to do so if she continues the relationship with him, the only consequence is her crying and carrying on for a bit. A man prepared to humiliate and cheat on her won't be perturbed by that at all.

If she boots him out for six months he might change, but doubtful. It is incredibly difficult to alter basic things about your human nature, and he is a lying cheat by nature.

So the only question is, is the OP willing to become pregnant and vulnerable with a creepy sleazebag, or not.

It's not complex at all, she has a straightforward choice to make - tolerate an unfaithful man for as long as their relationship lasts, or move on. No point in pretending he is the one in a billion exception.

I would move on, but that's up to her of course.

Women do not need to be dependent on their partners when pregnant and whether you know that your partner has hit on other women or not, you would be foolish to put your self in a situation where you can’t manage reasonably well without them. It requires a bit planning and a lot more prioritising yourself over your partner than many women tend to do, but women should be ensuring they can live with or without their partners.

If he’s a more than averagely selfish person and/or he’s worked to make her vulbnerable and dependent on him, I’d say those are far more important reasons to leave than a one off flirt with a work colleague. (Which may or may not be the limit of what his poor behaviour).

But women ARE dependent and vulnerable when pregnant and just after childbirth, that cannot ever be avoided. And mothers ARE more willing to tolerate shitbag behaviour from the father of their children to keep their family homes stable for the sake of their children, again that's just a fact.

Whether dependent on him or just generally in need of support when pregnant and after birth, this is just a fact. Far better to not foolishly pick a creepy sleazebag who you already know is a liar to be the father of your children.

Cheating online is just cheating, he's a proven liar and a cheat. He's not the one in a billion unicorn who got caught the very first time. She can choose to stay with a liar and a cheat, or not.

It's not complicated, not at all.

It is cheating. I'd ask him if he thought it wouldn't be cheating if you were sexing with another man. Stop ttc. In fact, my fanny would be tighter than a banker's fist and drier than a nun's fanny, I wouldn't want to have sex with him at all. And I'd seriously be re-thinking your marriage.

Whether it's cheating or not, it is tawdry and disloyal. One can only wonder what might happen at a second meeting - fornicating on the boardroom table? Call me old-fashioned but I wanted decent quality DNA for my children. He would not be it. It would not be a tragedy if his line died out. Honestly, a sperm donor would probably be a better choice than this disappointing specimen.

Isn't it!
I'd be inclined to believe it's not the first exchange between them.

Tell him to go fuck clean off.

My ex did similar with a work colleague and I found the texts while cooking his dinner. Was even more of a sting as she was fat and not the best looking.

I would have his bags packed. I’d also message the other woman if you have her instagram but then again I’m petty so probably not the best thing to do.

That’s disgusting of him. I’m sorry. So glad you don’t have kids with him. Well done on catching him out.

Oh please.
Before I would even get to the point of whether or not its cheating id have him gone.
I wouldn't be with someone who spoke to, thought of, texted, or used the words he did to another woman.

Hes a filthy swine.
It may not be cheating in some people's mind but in mine, I dont care. I would not be with someone with that mindset and behaviour anyway. Cheating or not.
Disgusting. Get rid. What a dreadful character he has.

i consider this cheating personally. My ex-fiancé met a woman at work and started off messaging like this. I found out, confronted and he said it meant nothing bla bla. So I let it go. Well it turned into a full blown affair, hence him now being my ex. I’m sorry OP, I would think carefully about whether you can trust him and how this will affect your relationship going forward.

I’m so sorry op but seriously consider that this isn’t the person for you! Good luck in your interview!

For the love of god don't have kids with this man!. He's a complete perve who's gaslighting you by saying it's not cheating.

As I don’t believe it’s full on cheating I also don’t think it’s completely innocent. How has it made you feel. Betrayed & hurt. You don’t have children. He hasn’t shown you any loyalty you don’t owe anyone else any, only you know if this is out of character and you want to salvage your marriage. Good luck you don’t deserve this

More dangerous advice from mumsnet this morning. ITS CHEATING. Hes having a sexual conversation with another woman. He wasn't asking her a work question. He was saying he wishes she was sat on top of him!

Op, seriously do not allow this man to pretend this is normal behaviour. Its not. Im sorry but you deserve better and you need to consider if the marriage is over. Im not saying it is, thats for you to decide if you can forgive. You need to sort this out one way or another but there needs to be some serious remorse and maybe therapy for this idiot.

Focus on the interview. Just ignore him until you have space and time to really consider what he’s done.

Then finish it. This is not a man to have kids with.

Also, as a lone parent for 15 years I can tell you that it’s a lot easier than having an asshole man in it. I’ve had time to focus on my career, bring my DD16 up without running interference from a scumbag like your DH.

People have different definitions of 'cheating', but that's not really the point. It's a massive betrayal of trust.

He may very well have still been under the influence of alcohol (not that being drunk is an excuse) the next day, but he's had all day Sunday to put a stop to it, delete the messages etc. That says to me that he was likely going to keep the conversation going.

You say she's in a relationship - Why not send the messages to her fella, see what he thinks?

Yanbu I'd go absolutely mental. Of course he's cheated OP, even if he hasn't kissed or had sex/sexual contact with this woman which I find it hard to believe he hasn't unless there's something in the messages that explicitly say they haven't. Stop ttc with him and leave him, you deserve better. I'd send the screenshots to her partner too. So sorry this has happened to you OP.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Your DH is being very dismissive. His behaviour was so inappropriate. Has he done anything like this before? I would struggle to move on- has he previously mentioned this colleague?

This nails it.

Parsing the definition of “cheating” is missing the point. He’s a disloyal oaf with a pervy, immature mind. Ugh.

Get rid.

Stop TTC.

This man has shown zero remorse.

His behaviour is likely to escalate.

it’s an opinion based forum!!! Why do people not get this when they attack someone for having the wrong opinion. Dangerous advice is abit extreme. This person expressed an opinion & in no way condoned his actions. Quite the opposite. I agree with both you & her. It’s cheating to a degree, but it’s not the same as a full blown affair. She is not advocating for this woman to stay with this man. The only person to decide that is this woman.

we don’t know their personal situation. You can make assumptions. So how’s this for one. They’re in their 30’s her biological clock is now ticking. He has had a moment of stupidity & as far as we know has partaken in some serious flirting. It’s been caught early. There has been no other indications of bad behaviour, this stupid man has had his head momentarily turned & has been flattered by the attention. She follows the advice on leaving & now the urge to be a mother is greater. She’s rushing to find a mate. Most men she’s meeting are already fathers, the decent men will be in no rush to have kids with someone they’ve not long dated. (They don’t have the same urgency to procreate). So she now spends years in another relationship hoping she’ll eventually have the family she dreamed of to then find it doesn’t work out or she can’t have kids. IVF success rates also decrease with age. Her life is now not as she planned. If this is the case for her then which advice is the more dangerous.

for me she is justified leaving & I wouldn’t blame her. However if she stayed I wouldn’t judge her for that either. I don’t think it’s weak to try & save your marriage especially if this appears to be a one off. Which it very most points to it. Cheaters don’t tend to give their wives passwords to their phone. He wasn’t acting very secretive hiding his phone. She’s hurt now & her head is all over the place. She’ll want advice & she should be given varied response so she can make the decision best for her.

You’ve told him that you consider this cheating.

Instead of taking accountability, apologising and owning his behaviour… He is arguing that it isn’t cheating? Classic deflection and defensiveness. The definition of “cheating” can mean different things to different people, however that’s not really important - it’s very telling that he seems to think it’s fine to sext a colleague, when he has a partner. WTF?!???! What is the point of him?

Did you screenshot the messages?

whatever you decide to do don’t let them get away with it. I would make sure he blocks her. He must actively look for another job. I would also message her and tell her anymore contact & you’ll be sending these messages to her partner. I would be tempted to send them anyway