DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

[Jaydee92]

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

@IridiumSky

At least partially innate mechanisms sometimes make other people look attractive. But many of us don't find it impossibly hard to never take it further if we are in a monogamous relationship. If the temptation were too much perhaps I'd end the relationship, but it is not impossible for most of us to refrain even from flirting when still in another relationship. Many men are socialised to think of approaching other women as an innate biological imperative, demonstrating their masculinity, and to follow it, but that doesn't mean it's true. Or that they don't have choice.

He only met her once at the staff xmas party and he’s sexting her the morning after?

This speaks volumes. He’s highly driven by sex and lacks self control. It’s at the forefront of his mind. He runs purely off instinct.

It’s one thing to initially resist temptation (which most men are able to do), then over time develop a deeper bond before cheating. It’s quite another to do this.

He is sleazy. It is his personality that cannot be rewired. This most likely isn’t the first time he’s done it, it’s just the first time he’s got caught.

He’ll be in situations in the future around attractive women, and he won’t be able to resist his animal urges. He’s demonstrated this. You’ll always be paranoid everytime he does out, or interacts with other women. What sort of a life is that?

You don’t have kids so I’d consider a divorce.

Your husband is having sexual conversations with a coworker he just met. That's what you know for sure. There's likely a lot more. This doesn't sound like a one off.

Your husband isn't ready to be a husband, much less a father. Leave this one on the dust. If he's this sleazy and immature at 33, he's not going to change.

I bet her partner will though when you send him screenshot of their messages....
FYI it is definitely cheating hence the term ' emotional affair '

Yes. Sorry about that, I was born that way! 🙄😀

I’m also a scientist, as is my wife. We both couldn’t help that either.

If it is really only 24hours then it is not "emotional" at all, just negotiating a sexual encounter, with or without the intention to consummate it.

Don't have a kid with him. This is your red flag on that.

He only met her once at the staff xmas party and he’s sexting her the morning after?
This speaks volumes. He’s highly driven by sex and lacks self control. It’s at the forefront of his mind. He runs purely off instinct.

I wouldn't want this in my life. It's pretty juvenile.

@Jaydee92 Time to look at the bigger picture. Does this sound like a man who is committed to his relationship with his wife? And, perhaps more importantly, will he be committed to his child (should one arrive)?

Having a baby with this man could be very risky, OP, since my impression is that he still has some growing up to do.

I would offer him an easy way out of the marriage, and see if he takes it.

I highly doubt this is their first ever episode of inappropriate communication; its just the only one that's been found to date.....

God. What an embarrassment your husband is.

Those messages are so cringe.

Prick.

Wonder what the woman’s partner would think of the screenshots you should send him?

Please do not ttc with this creepy man.

The arsehole is gaslighting you

Please stop TTCing with him, he will not stop or change , children test your relationship they don't improve it, things will be worse after children. I would break up with him. It's easier to do this now without kids.

Honestly yes I do trust him now but it took, time, work in therapy and him being very remorseful and committed to earning my trust back. There were no shortcuts and it's extremely unfair that I had no part in it but I had to work at getting past it.

If we didn't have DC and other financial complications I wouldn't have bothered.

I think OP should walk away.

This doesn't sounds like something new. It sounds like something that has been developing online for a while.

This is not someone I'd be having kids with..he will do it again.

I'd bet my house that something physical already happened at the xmas party prior to those messages

Of course it is cheating. There is physical cheating and non physical cheating, which is nearly always intended to and often does lead to physical cheating. Obviously physical cheating is worse, but they are both - irrefutably - cheating.

This is the acid test - does it break your couple boundaries? Absolutely yes. Would he have behaved like this in front of you? Absolutely no.

It's cheating.

Also, 99.99999999% of the time they do NOT get caught the first time.

And since he is now a proven liar, believe nothing he says.

Of course it’s cheating. And totally unacceptable. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your marriage, and he sounds sleazy.

Definitely cheating, and he wasn't drunk, he was sober.
And if it was the other way around he would also think it was cheating.

Don't.

If this is how he behaves before you have children together do you really expect him to be any better after? He has zero respect for you. Get out while you can.

Please please please stop TTC with this man. He is a scumbag and trust me, do you do not want to be tied to him forever with a poor child caught in the mix.

I would honestly cut my losses now and get out.

Well the TTC must be well and truly over now, surely
I mean, what a turn off. There’s no way you could want sex with this repulsive little manchild now, is there?

Right. Thank feck she has no children with this utter creep. She can cut her losses and run immediately.

Gross. He’s grubby. It definitely counts as being unfaithful. Is he sorry? Or defensive?

Either way, he’s a dick.