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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

382 replies

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 18:32

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

OP posts:
MightyGoldBear · 09/12/2025 09:56

Did he also do the Oh it's nothing she means nothing, it all didn't mean anything, im not really interested in her I barely know her blah blah blah?
Because I often think that shows how these kind of men view women as a whole. Disposable objects worth less respect than another men. To him she is literally nothing,like a play thing.
He didn't stop to think how this might impact her or you he just thought about himself and women are less important. He gets to decide what something is or isn't or the consequences. He obviously wouldn't of mentioned it. Only now is he potentially saying sorry for his own benefit. So his life stops being more uncomfortable than usual. Not because he truly feels remorse or he would of brought it up far far sooner.

If it wasn't this it would of come out in other ways. He would make a selfish unreliable father.

Selfish and entitled. Such unattractive qualities. You deserve so much better op.

WingsTingle · 09/12/2025 09:58

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 09:53

Yup! And don’t wait for him to hum and haw over if he’s going to make this decision, don’t wait for him at all. End it yourself and stand your ground. Why does he get to have you waiting on the edge as long as he wants after he betrayed you?

Absolutely not. He isn’t into this. Leave, you’ll find someone genuinely excited about you and your future together.

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100%
And your future children deserve a dad who is all in on parenting and excited to support them in growing up to be awesome humans - not feeling like he is contributing to some sort of chore… yuck!

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/12/2025 10:00

Whatsappweirdo · 08/12/2025 20:55

Sounds like he’s trying to make you afraid that he’s going to leave, so you actually forget all about what’s he done and beg him to stay…

I thought the exact same thing.

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 10:33

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/12/2025 10:00

I thought the exact same thing.

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Also fully agree with this. The best thing OP can do here is pull the rug right from under him and tell him she’s decided for them both to end things. Take his power away. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve OP at all. But to make her sit and squirm until she begs for things to go back to normal after betraying her is twisted.

TreeDudette · 09/12/2025 10:56

Clearly it is very disrespectful of you and I would consider it a relationship ender

moderate · 09/12/2025 11:07

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 10:33

Also fully agree with this. The best thing OP can do here is pull the rug right from under him and tell him she’s decided for them both to end things. Take his power away. He doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve OP at all. But to make her sit and squirm until she begs for things to go back to normal after betraying her is twisted.

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Absolutely.
Hopefully OP can see this for a blessing, to have found out who this man is before making him the father of her children.

ldnmusic87 · 09/12/2025 11:18

Awful, cowardly man. Sending love OP x

LoudSnoringDog · 09/12/2025 11:23

What a piece of shit. He really is showing you what life will be like.
This time it’s because of the pressure of TTC, then it will be “oh poor me, it’s because of the pressure of the new born and I’m not getting the same attention”
then “oh poor me, I’m struggling with the demands of a toddler” etc etc for the rest of your life really - he’s showing that at every point of “pressure” his release is going to be reaching out to another woman, being a complete lech and indicating that he’s well up for shagging outside of his marriage.
It will be hard for a while but seriously bin this one now. Do not have a child with someone who has such little respect for you.

FuckRealityBringMeABook · 09/12/2025 11:38

If you are going to teach him a lesson, make sure what he is learning is not "my wife will put up with my shit"

FlyingApple · 09/12/2025 11:59

If trying for a baby is too stressful for him, he will definitely not cope with an actual baby.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 12:42

moderate · 09/12/2025 11:07

Absolutely.
Hopefully OP can see this for a blessing, to have found out who this man is before making him the father of her children.

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I know! Major bullet dodged here, OP. He doesn’t want parenthood.

millyv · 09/12/2025 12:50

As hard as this is to hear I think you've had a really lucky escape, it could be much worse 6 months down the line with a baby on the way.

I agree with previous posters, don't give him the option, end it with your head held high!

Wishing you all the best to get through this. xx

tedibear · 09/12/2025 12:54

Honestly this is such a massive thing. Ofcourse he’s playing it down. It is a form of cheating in my opinion. Likely to lead on to something more. Maybe forgivable but I’m not sure. Once the trust is gone do you ever get it back properly.

Just have a think, if you were to get pregnant soon and this time next year you have a little newborn baby. He’s going the Christmas work do and they meet again. Is it likely that nothing will happen. Having a baby brings huge strains to a relationship even when strong. I would not continue to ttc until you’ve decided for sure what you are going to do.

Wouldwoodknot · 09/12/2025 13:40

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 03:42

So very true. The rubbish that goes on now, all men HAVE to watch porn and DO watch porn (utter bollocks of course), anal rape is normal (I say rape because very few women ever wanted to have it shoved up their arse and it was NOT a standard thing on the sexual menu at all in my youth), you should be hairless (but honest it's for her, she just loves waxing, plucking and shaving every week in life) and you're "kink shaming" if you tell anyone to piss of with their weird demands.

I hate to say in my day, but... In my dating days, the 80s/early 90s, men were grateful if you turned up and they got a grope.

Not only would my husband be out the door, he'd have had a good kick to the bollocks (possibly metaphorically) as he went.

And in fact, my first husband was booted out of my marriage for similar behaviour. Just wish I'd done it the first time, not the third. Because they ALWAYS do it again.

Edited
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Absolutely all of this.

My ex husband did similar just after we were married, then again a couple of years later, and it wasn’t until after the third time that I finally realised this actually had fuck all to do with me being ‘boring’, ‘difficult’, ‘controlling’, ‘prudish’, or any of the other ridiculous things he suggested while trying to place blame for his behaviour onto me. I am none of those things, and I was never the reason for him sniffing around other women.

The issue was him being a pathetically insecure man baby with low self-esteem and no ability to self-regulate, and he dealt with his emotions around this by seeking attention and validation from any woman he thought might provide it. Trying to fight for the relationship, playing pick-me, after the first couple of times didn’t persuade him to be faithful, it just gave him an extra ego boost. It also taught him that this was a great way to feel like he was terribly desirable with no risk of disrupting his comfortable life - beyond having a pissed off wife for a few weeks if he got caught, anyway.

His behaviour is nothing to do with you OP. His lack of remorse, combined with his attempts to place the blame on you, suggest that this is who he really is and he won’t change. If I could go back in time I’d tell the younger version of myself to kick my ex out the first time he was caught flirting like this. I wish I’d left as soon as he tried to gaslight me into accepting his behaviour and blaming myself, instead of staying and having my own self-esteem whittled down until it was (almost) as low as his. I can’t go back to tell myself to make better choices, so I’m telling you instead - do not stay with him, it’s not worth the heartache, and you’re worth so much more. There are good men out there, he isn’t one of them.

Jesssy · 09/12/2025 14:15

Can someone please explain the ‘wished he was a stall comment’?! I’m sure it’s me being hopelessly naive but I can’t understand it.

ThatBlackCat · 09/12/2025 14:19

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

I'd bet my house on it that he met up with the colleague. Has had his head turned by her, and now 'doesn't know what he wants'.

Get out now. Don't waste another second on this slimeball.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 09/12/2025 14:21

Wait until you get the 'it was all the pressure from the TTC and I just wasn't ready and you weren't listening to me' spiel. Once you have a child with this guy, he's got carte blanche to do whatever because you showed him that you thought this was ok enough that you'd choose him to breed with. Yuck. Let this waste of spaces blood line end here.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 09/12/2025 14:22

Posted this without reading the full thread. The predictability of it all depressed me.

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 14:32

ThatBlackCat · 09/12/2025 14:19

I'd bet my house on it that he met up with the colleague. Has had his head turned by her, and now 'doesn't know what he wants'.

Get out now. Don't waste another second on this slimeball.

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Hs head wasn’t turned by her , he just looks at her as easy sex & her the same with him .
Look at how they speak to one another , “ I saw the photo of you sitting on the stool , I wish I was the stool “, “ sorry if you caught me talking to your tits “ , her with “ couldn’t keep my eyes off the bulge in your pants “ 🤮
It’s not exactly romantic & sexy .
I’m sure neither have any notion high up or low down of leaving their spouse’s .

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 15:06

SardinesOnGingerbread · 09/12/2025 14:21

Wait until you get the 'it was all the pressure from the TTC and I just wasn't ready and you weren't listening to me' spiel. Once you have a child with this guy, he's got carte blanche to do whatever because you showed him that you thought this was ok enough that you'd choose him to breed with. Yuck. Let this waste of spaces blood line end here.

"Let this waste of spaces blood line end here."

If only more women thought this way. Instead, no matter how useless and lowdown a 'man' is, there is always some woman who will service him, entangle finances with him, bear his children. The mind truly reels at the lack of standards.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 15:08

And furthermore these men who will engage in TTC when they really don't want to have kids, just to get along, are the scum of the earth!

Missj25 · 09/12/2025 17:30

You know when posters like you come on here with this “ low standard “ bullshit , no OP wants to read it , it’s not helpful or kind .
I’m sure OP is feeling very down in the dumps as any of us would be so you could speak a little nicer . .
None of this is her fault, & it must be one damn shock to get .

Horses7 · 09/12/2025 18:00

Wouldwoodknot · 09/12/2025 13:40

Absolutely all of this.

My ex husband did similar just after we were married, then again a couple of years later, and it wasn’t until after the third time that I finally realised this actually had fuck all to do with me being ‘boring’, ‘difficult’, ‘controlling’, ‘prudish’, or any of the other ridiculous things he suggested while trying to place blame for his behaviour onto me. I am none of those things, and I was never the reason for him sniffing around other women.

The issue was him being a pathetically insecure man baby with low self-esteem and no ability to self-regulate, and he dealt with his emotions around this by seeking attention and validation from any woman he thought might provide it. Trying to fight for the relationship, playing pick-me, after the first couple of times didn’t persuade him to be faithful, it just gave him an extra ego boost. It also taught him that this was a great way to feel like he was terribly desirable with no risk of disrupting his comfortable life - beyond having a pissed off wife for a few weeks if he got caught, anyway.

His behaviour is nothing to do with you OP. His lack of remorse, combined with his attempts to place the blame on you, suggest that this is who he really is and he won’t change. If I could go back in time I’d tell the younger version of myself to kick my ex out the first time he was caught flirting like this. I wish I’d left as soon as he tried to gaslight me into accepting his behaviour and blaming myself, instead of staying and having my own self-esteem whittled down until it was (almost) as low as his. I can’t go back to tell myself to make better choices, so I’m telling you instead - do not stay with him, it’s not worth the heartache, and you’re worth so much more. There are good men out there, he isn’t one of them.

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Please take note of this OP - you can do better and be truly happy. Good luck!

LadyLindaT · 09/12/2025 18:16

I will just say this. At 9 months pregnant, I waited up for my husband to come back from yet another Xmas work do. He came in at 5 in the morning. Do you want your life to be like this? He has showed you who he is. Believe it. Run!

Homegrownberries · 09/12/2025 18:25

If the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father is causing him turn to other women then you have to seriously question what the pressure of actually being a father will do. Where will the fun be then?