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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

382 replies

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 18:32

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

OP posts:
Nevs · 09/12/2025 18:31

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

I don’t get why he lied about something as innocent as going to his mates? Why would he want you to think he was in McDonald’s for hours instead. If he wasn’t ready to talk about what they discussed he didn’t have to, could have just said they were hanging out.

Unless of course, he wasn’t with his mate.

Even if he was with his mate, now he’s lying to you about smaller things. This will be exhausting for you in future. It’s not looking good.

Pinkissmart · 09/12/2025 19:51

IridiumSky · 07/12/2025 21:08

Yes. That’s correct.

Please read Darwin and Wallace. Then Dawkins’ non-atheist oeuvre.

Between them, and quantum physics, that’s most of reality explained.

Everything else is just chemistry.

Show quote history

Funny they’re all men, isn’t it.

I’m in my 50’s and been single a long time. I would rather be alone than put up with a man who humiliates and betrays me because he’s not man enough to be a father.

OP, your husband is not a good man

k1233 · 09/12/2025 21:01

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

That's the gutless lead in to dumping you as some rando at work told him he was handsome and suddenly he thinks he can do better than you. Show him the door and don't let him back in when reality hits and he realuses he isn't the stud muffin he envisages himself to be.

Be prepared for him to say he needs time to think and then he loves you but is not in love with you. They all follow the same play book with the same script.

Treatingmyself · 14/12/2025 13:35

How are you OP?

MarymaryquiteC · 14/12/2025 13:38

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Do NOT have a baby with this man!!! TTC is hard yes, but nothing compared to how hard it is when the baby is here!! He'll be sexting the fucking neighbours!

ILoveLaLaLand · 15/12/2025 20:33

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Not sure he is ready for fatherhood OP.
If he is flirting like this before you are even pregnant it's unlikely to stop afterwards when you are effectively trapped with a child.
I know your clock is ticking but you might be better looking for another man or face being a single mother in the not too distant future.

OchreRaven · 13/01/2026 20:45

How are you doing @Jaydee92?

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