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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

382 replies

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 18:32

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

OP posts:
Mintypanda · 08/12/2025 08:29

I think there’s a huge difference between a bit of flirty banter between colleagues - I’m guilty of this, it’s like platonic banter if that makes sense. Of course we continue all find others attractive - this is what keeps relationships alive. However “I wish I was the sofa” aka “I want you to sit on my face” is a whole other level of seediness and there’s a planned element to this as well it’s not a moment of weakness.

AnneButNotHathaway · 08/12/2025 08:53

Oh dear, of course its cheating! This is far from innocent banter that really might happen between the collegues and he knows that, that's why he got so defensive. Please, don't even consider continuing ttc with him, this might not even be the first time he's doing something like this. It's not going to get better.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 08/12/2025 09:01

If this was me I would have told her exactly what I thought of them both and copied and pasted her Partner in. If he isn't on Instagram, he can't be too hard to find.
I would be beyond livid. Not as much for the night itself, but the fact they are clearly both continuing it.

Imagine TTC and worrying that he's really fantasising about her whilst making your baby. 😔

Get rid while you still can💐

LogicVoid · 08/12/2025 09:35

Do not get pregnant. You've been given an early xmas present of foreknowledge about the type of husband and father he will be. He's failed at an early hurdle.

KeepAwayFromChildren · 08/12/2025 09:36

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 19:29

He is sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight. I’ve an important interview I need to prepare for which is this week and don’t need this huge distraction at the moment. He knows how angry I am.

Show quote history

You need to leave him. This is the warning shot across your bows.

If he's like this now, what the bugger arse will e be like if you have kids.

At least you know now. Get the job, dump the cheater.

ZeroTolerance4Abuse · 08/12/2025 09:42

Cheating , sadly

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

Tooobvious · 08/12/2025 10:13

Very sorry but you need to try and think this through calmly.

Do you really think this will never, ever happen again? What about when you’re at home, sleep-deprived, with a baby and a toddler and he is at work with attractive women?

He's shown you who he really is. Up to you if you’re prepared to accept and live with a man like that.

LoudSnoringDog · 08/12/2025 10:21

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

He could also just not be a leching creep 🙄

oneinataxioneinacar · 08/12/2025 10:38

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

He can go and get sex elsewhere. He just needs to be a big boy and end the relationship first rather than try and have his cake and eat it.

It also never justifies being a disgusting creep at work. It's never professional and is likely to stymie his career.

ufo · 08/12/2025 11:04

You can't really call him a creep since in the context of the interaction with the co-worker, both are on the same page and there's no unwanted behaviour etc. If you just want to call him names then that's the kind of lack of empathy I'm talking about. Instead of thinking 'he does it because he's bad' think instead of what he must be lacking in his life to cause this sort of texting.

Franpie · 08/12/2025 11:13

This is a man who will definitely physically cheat on you if he hasn’t done already (which I doubt). Stop ttc and leave him.

ldnmusic87 · 08/12/2025 11:17

The trust would be gone for me.

moderate · 08/12/2025 11:29

ufo · 08/12/2025 11:04

You can't really call him a creep since in the context of the interaction with the co-worker, both are on the same page and there's no unwanted behaviour etc. If you just want to call him names then that's the kind of lack of empathy I'm talking about. Instead of thinking 'he does it because he's bad' think instead of what he must be lacking in his life to cause this sort of texting.

He's married, you nincompoop.

ClearFruit · 08/12/2025 11:44

Dirty bastard. I'd divorce him.

Doteycat · 08/12/2025 11:51

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

Nope. Everyone should know that this is rubbish.
Sexual progression? What twaddle.
Hes a creep. End of.

oneinataxioneinacar · 08/12/2025 11:54

ufo · 08/12/2025 11:04

You can't really call him a creep since in the context of the interaction with the co-worker, both are on the same page and there's no unwanted behaviour etc. If you just want to call him names then that's the kind of lack of empathy I'm talking about. Instead of thinking 'he does it because he's bad' think instead of what he must be lacking in his life to cause this sort of texting.

He's meant to be acting professionally. Even when I was single I wouldn't have behaved like that around work colleagues and I find people who do behave like that around colleagues tend to find everyone loses respect for them .I've seen otherwise brilliant people not progress as far as they should have because they got a reputation for behaving unprofessionally like this

It's just not appropriate with colleagues, married or not

moderate · 08/12/2025 12:16

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression.

Ah, I see, she thought his trousers were providing IMpractical support and that's why she wanted him to know she couldn't stop staring at them.

ldnmusic87 · 08/12/2025 12:27

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

This is offensive to both men and women.

ufo · 08/12/2025 12:59

Women tend to like consistent emotional and practical support. Women find meaning in it, and that's completely fine. Men should acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners. Men on the other hand find meaning in sexuality and sexual progression. That's completely fine too, and women should also acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners.

Should the man be discarded because he doesn't conform to that specific ideal female form of relationship? Does he not deserve to feel meaning in his life too?

Notonthestairs · 08/12/2025 13:24

😂 very funny. Probably not the right thread for that kind of twaddle but very funny all the same.

oneinataxioneinacar · 08/12/2025 13:27

ufo · 08/12/2025 12:59

Women tend to like consistent emotional and practical support. Women find meaning in it, and that's completely fine. Men should acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners. Men on the other hand find meaning in sexuality and sexual progression. That's completely fine too, and women should also acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners.

Should the man be discarded because he doesn't conform to that specific ideal female form of relationship? Does he not deserve to feel meaning in his life too?

I mean, personally I like men whose brains aren't entirely contained within their dangly bits. But each to their own.

Mintypanda · 08/12/2025 14:17

“Sexual progression”? It’s not all that sophisticated, really.

WhereIsMyJumper · 08/12/2025 14:44

ldnmusic87 · 08/12/2025 12:27

This is offensive to both men and women.

Show quote history

Yep. There is a lot of pseudo psychology surrounding relationships in current pop culture. It over complicates everything.
My main ask from a partner would be “don’t be a twat” and I won’t be either.

But then I’m one of those strange women who finds being single far more fulfilling and peaceful than being in a relationship. CBA maintaining a man’s emotional and sexual needs when most of the time,
you end up carrying their weight as well as your own. Putting all your energy into yourself is preferable.

Wouldwoodknot · 08/12/2025 14:58

ufo · 08/12/2025 11:04

You can't really call him a creep since in the context of the interaction with the co-worker, both are on the same page and there's no unwanted behaviour etc. If you just want to call him names then that's the kind of lack of empathy I'm talking about. Instead of thinking 'he does it because he's bad' think instead of what he must be lacking in his life to cause this sort of texting.

Instead of thinking 'he does it because he's bad' think instead of what he must be lacking in his life to cause this sort of texting
Okay, let’s think about what he might be lacking that would lead to this kind of behaviour. The vaguest hint of self-control? Respect for his marriage? The balls to end the relationship before trying to fuck around? The ability to realise that his wife will understandably be furious, and his employer might take a dim view as well, so seeking an pathetic ego-massage like this risks royally fucking up his entire life?

He’s not an innocent victim, he has behaved horribly, and his behaviour isn’t OPs responsibility.