Do you update your OH when you are out for the night?

[Candykitten0173]

My DP rarely updates me throughout the night if he is out for the night, we have DC. This means I often have no idea what time he’s coming home and he just rocks up without any pre message to say he’s coming back.

I wouldn’t say I’m angry or anything I just find it bizarre as I am always one to just sent a courtesy text to give an update or say I’m on the way back.

AIBU to think this is unusual behaviour in a relationship with kids? Or are we just different people?

I often let him know when I'm on the way home. He usually picks me up from the train station as he's amazing 🤩

If I’m going out and say to DH, I’ll DEFINITELY be back at 10o’clock, and then come 10 o’clock I’m still going strong, I’d probably send him a text to say, I will see you when I see you. But to be honest, when either of us goes out, we don’t tend to say when we will be back. We have two children, one with extra needs. We cope.

my husband and I will give an estimated home time - like should be home by 11. And then we will update if it’s not going to happen. Otherwise… no, we aren’t really in touch with each other if we are out with our friends

DH and I just assume the other will be on one of the last trains home and thus back between midnight - 1pm unless we hear otherwise. No other updates throughout the evening.

Do you need to know when he’s on his way for planning or scheduling of your own? Just tell him if so.

Its a mile walk from the train station along a dark lane so i usually ring him while i am walking if he cant pick me up.

But yes, usually send a message if I am gping to be late or let him know i am on the train / in a taxi. He also does the same when he is out.

I would only message when I’m on way home. I really don’t understand why anyone needs to send any updates other than that

We coordinate our diaries together because we all have busy lives.

Most of the time if we're going out separately I think we'll message the other to say we're en route home, but it's no biggie if either one of us forgets/phone runs out of juice. We're in London so can in theory get back home pretty much any timw.

No. I have no need to. I'm never home really late these days anyway.

No. I'm an adult and don't need to report back to anyone.

No I don't. We'd have a rough idea of what time I'd be home so no need for updates unless plans change drastically.

A couple or times, usually a photo and saying having fun. I'm too busy in the moment but will message in the loo. Sometimes not had great reception so one text. Xx

We would give an estimate before going out and would only update if it was going to be significantly later - which to be honest never happens.

We only update if we're using public transport or going cross country. Just a quick text to say leaving on the 12.25 or arrived/leaving.

Other than that we don't do any updates. The other is at home with the kids hopefully enjoying a stress free evening after the kids have gone down for the night.

Not if I’m going out for the evening. He knows I’m out, not sure it matters what time I get back?

I’ll let him know if I’m going to be back later than I initially said, and I’ll let him know when I leave.

I'd message if a change of plan. So I might say ill be home around 10 but then at 9.30 say I'm still here it could be 12ish. But if there is no change I wouldn't feel the need. I often text when 10 mins away, he might say he is watching a movie and not disturb him or the door is open or we might discuss if the dog needs to be brought out, that kind of thing. Usually there is 1 exchange over the course of the night

No never. I just get home when I get home, he’s usually asleep.
I say bye when I’m leaving the house, don’t give an estimate of when I’ll be back because I don’t know. Then also no need to send updates either.
We tended to just veer towards the idea that if you’re out you’re out, have fun and enjoy yourself and don’t worry about what’s going on at home, whoever is at home holding the fort can cope.

Not general updates as such, but we’d normally have discussed what time we’d be home by and if that changed we’d update. Not for ‘permission’ but just so the other knows what’s going on and doesn’t worry if it’s later etc.

DH has always sent me an "On my way home" text and I do the same.

It's not a rule, just a nice little habit. He will often text me during his night out to ask if all is well, too. That probably makes us co-dependent by MN standards, but I couldn't give a shite.

Yes. I'll message to say I'm on the train and when I've met up with my friends. Then again on the way home so he'll know I'm safe.

He does the same with me. We don't ask to do this, we just do it.

Personally - to me going out is a way to unplug and have a break from the home routine. So - I don't feel the need to check in - unless I need a pick-up, or some other reason to coordinate - say I forgot the keys.
Similarly - when bf is out with friends I do not need or expect checking in. I have a quiet night on my own and doing my own things.

Obviously - if somehow it was terribly late somehow (which is not something that happens often) - or if I did say I am coming home early and ended up staying out - i.e. if there could be some reasonable safety concerns, it'd be polite to say .... still out, etc.

Bf does often text when he is on the way back. I find it pointless, as it does not change anything for me - not like I need to get my clandestine lover out before he comes back or something.

Sorry just to manage understanding by updates I just mean if you are getting back later. For example if I say I’ll be home by 8pm and at that time I’m still having a ball, I’ll message to say I’ll be back later not sure what time.

its not about permission or not “being an adult” as a couple have suggested.

was just asking what other couples do, to understand what’s “the norm”

Still no, I come home when I want. If I wanted to come home earlier I wouldn’t need to let him know, I’d just come home earlier.
Although I’m not sure I’ve ever gone out with the intention of being home by 8pm!

Haha love this, every relationship is different. Nobody is right or wrong.