Do you update your OH when you are out for the night?

[Candykitten0173]

My DP rarely updates me throughout the night if he is out for the night, we have DC. This means I often have no idea what time he’s coming home and he just rocks up without any pre message to say he’s coming back.

I wouldn’t say I’m angry or anything I just find it bizarre as I am always one to just sent a courtesy text to give an update or say I’m on the way back.

AIBU to think this is unusual behaviour in a relationship with kids? Or are we just different people?

I don't. Even when I rock up at dawn and he's up. Although that hasn't happened for a few years.

Really, that's pretty pathetic. You'd feel claustrophobic by just letting someone know you're on your way home by text? Its just being thoughtful.

No, unless I've said I'll be home for dinner and have changed my mind; or if I said I won't be home for dinner and have changed my mind; or if I said I'll be home for dinner and that's still the case, just running a bit later than normal dinnertime. So just practical stuff. We don't update each other for the sake of it and we don't worry about each other especially.

Genuinely didn’t post for others to argue, every couple is different and everyone’s “normal” as we can read is different. I guess it’s got to be something you are both aligned with so it works

I’ll never understand an adult who can’t settle till their partner walks through the door though, we’re all different.

If there’a drastic change (eg was just going for a drink after work but we’ve decided to make a full night of it) or he’s offered to pick me up from the station then yes but otherwise no, same with him, he tends to stay out later than me and I’m nearly always asleep when he gets in as it tends to be after midnight.

I'd feel claustrophobic knowing my partner couldn't "settle" without me texting them when I'd be coming home for the night, yes.

Being thoughtful (to me) is letting your partner go out and enjoy themselves without having to check in with you every time their plans change.

I’ll never understand an adult who can’t settle till their partner walks through the door though, we’re all different.

Same here. I'm sure I'll be shot down but it seems quite controlling to me - "you need to tell me where you are/when you'll be home or I can't sleep". Ick.

Its not checking in, its being courteous to the partner you share your life with.

I guess its just that some couples care more about each other and want to make sure they are okay and home alright than other couples.

You hear about women who are on nights out, and then get attacked, raped and killed. My husband just wants to make sure im safe. I guess not all partners are the same in that caring regard.

By nature, I never say anything about what im doing, and my husband found it infuriating and it made him anxious about my safety. So now I send him occasional updates and aways let him know im on the way home. Its something he requires and its a small thing to remember to do. If we didn't have kids at home he would certainly come and collect me. By contrast, if he's out, im probably asleep, so his messages are wasted on me!

I usually let him know when I plan to leave and when I am actually leaving: 'on the bus now' / 'just in the car now'. And he does the same.
I might get or recieve an update during the evening but it's not expected on either side.
But, we haven't had crazy late nights out for years (Middle aged now!).
I remember when one or other of us were out until the small hours, and then there was probably more communication back and forwards!

No, If one of us is out for the night we just say have fun and I'll see you when I see you.

No. I don't update him if I'm out and he doesn't update me. We trust each other and also rarely message each other during the working day, maybe once a week. But as a couple we got together after he sent me a postcard from a boys holiday...we are that old.

So because people behave differently to you, they don't care about their partners as much as you care about yours? That's quite a bold and unpleasant statement to make.

And yes, youu do hear about people getting attacked and killed. But my DH knowing I'm due to be home at 11pm won't stop me getting attacked at 9pm

He "requires" it?

Eurgh. What happens if you forget?

It depends what we’re doing, if I’m just walking to the pub on our street then I don’t tend to contact him, likewise if he’s going to an evening football match he won’t bother, but if we’re going further afield and not driving we tend to either phone or text for a lift home or to say we’ve got a lift or sharing a taxi with a friend.

I'm glad you posted, I was beginning to feel like an anomaly, lol.

What did we all do before it was possible to check in and text constantly?

No. I often go out to places where I wouldn't use my phone (theatre or comedy show) or don't have a signal (in a basement). We live 5 mins from the tube/bus stop and I'm confident enough to walk back on my own so I don't see the point in letting him know (and he'd likely be asleep).

Wow, that is quite an extraordinary (and unpleasant) assumption. There are different ways of showing you care, being in constant touch isn’t a pre-requisite. Some might call it controlling.

We got together before either of us had a mobile phone and it never occurs to me to text/message him. In fact, of all the folks in my phone he's probably the one I text least. I see him every day so there's never really a need. I think he has whatsapped me once or twice to ask me to buy milk on the way home from work...

I do update him sometimes, but not always, and he doesn't expect me to or vice versa.
I think there's a level of trust because we don't take the piss with each other and never have.

why do you need communication? So what.. you have kids. If he’s reachable in case of an emergency then thats all you need. You don’t need to be in constant communication with him. I don’t message my OH when I’m at work, out or if he’s at work or out.

We usually give an estimated time to be home, update if likely to be much later and probably also text when heading home. But we’re not rigid with it, so if we don’t hear from each other then it’s also fine.

Is it about trust though? I dont live with my partner and he just likes to know I'm home safely.

Yes he usually picks me up from our local station, so he'll ask what train I'm planning to get and I'll update him if my plans change.

I guess it depends what happens if you forget to text, or your phone breaks or dies - would he just go to sleep and assume you're an adult who is capable of looking after themselves, or would he panic, ring you constantly and start causing drama?