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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you update your OH when you are out for the night?

105 replies

Candykitten0173 · 07/12/2025 18:04

My DP rarely updates me throughout the night if he is out for the night, we have DC. This means I often have no idea what time he’s coming home and he just rocks up without any pre message to say he’s coming back.

I wouldn’t say I’m angry or anything I just find it bizarre as I am always one to just sent a courtesy text to give an update or say I’m on the way back.

AIBU to think this is unusual behaviour in a relationship with kids? Or are we just different people?

OP posts:
BreakfastClubBlues · 07/12/2025 19:26

I might do, might not. But neither of us expects anything.

DH went on a Xmas night out last night. I went to bed and didn't hear him come in; it never would occur to me to pester him for updates on when he's coming home.

BeMellowAquaSquid · 07/12/2025 19:27

My DH and I very rarely message eachother on a night out in fact we hardly message eachother at all anymore save to actually ask something relevant. On his work do last week he stayed in a hotel and he did message me gloating that he had a massive room to himself but apart from that absolutely no. I find it quite icky.

Simonjt · 07/12/2025 19:29

No we don’t bother, it doesn’t matter when someones home, so we don’t see the point in texting, especially when it might wake someone up.

FettleOfKish · 07/12/2025 19:30

Went out for a Christmas lunch yesterday, text DH at 5pm to say I was going to stay out for a couple (lunch service was slooooow) and rolled home at 10pm. Today has not been my finest day if I’m honest, and I’ve been on solo toddler duty all day 😩

Sometimeswinning · 07/12/2025 19:32

TheChosenTwo · 07/12/2025 18:22

Still no, I come home when I want. If I wanted to come home earlier I wouldn’t need to let him know, I’d just come home earlier.
Although I’m not sure I’ve ever gone out with the intention of being home by 8pm!

Show quote history

Do you have young children?

TheTaupeScroller · 07/12/2025 19:34

If I am out, I am out so no one has any idea of the time I am on my way home -might be early, might be late, I wouldn't even know what to tell him because I don't know.

We usually send a text when we are in the train or taxi home whatever the time.

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 07/12/2025 19:36

Nope. I get back when I get back, and him likewise.

Too many things on the mental load pile already to check in constantly. That would spoil the evening.

That said, we’re usually back by 1-2am. Any later than that would seem unusual and may merit a call/text.

rwalker · 07/12/2025 19:37

No because it serves absolutely no purpose

Mt563 · 07/12/2025 19:47

Nope. Before I go out, I'll give an ETA which is usually the last train so can't be later than that and wouldn't text if earlier. But then I'm out and in me mode. Focused on my friends not my phone or thinking about the little one. I need that time to switch off and not be worrying/ caring about other people to be a good mum the rest of the time.

ResusciAnnie · 07/12/2025 19:49

Definitely not. If I’m out it’s because I’m running the event (work) or spending time with my friends. Rude to then be on my phone/pop off to use my phone/what would I need to check in on DH for??

PollyPlumPeach · 07/12/2025 19:49

OH likes his evening to himself and would feel a bit smothered if I was sending him texts to update him on what I was doing thoughout the evening

Hankunamatata · 07/12/2025 19:49

God no. When im out im out. Why would I be on my phone, its doesn't come out of my bag.

bloodredfeaturewall · 07/12/2025 19:50

I don't contact dh unless there are major changes. or it's incredibly boring
neither does he.

we agree on a rough expected return time and location of the evening.

MsWilmottsGhost · 07/12/2025 19:51

He doesn't go out very often, it is usually me encouraging him to go, and even then he is always home at a reasonable time, so I wouldn't normally have any reason to worry. If he was the type of guy who stayed out on the lash till 3am every weekend then I wouldn't have married him.

I don't expect him to text or call, though sometimes he does and it's nice. I can't really expect it though because I am fucking awful for forgetting to text him when I am out, and I know he does worry about me. I have stopped promising I will text him because I always forget.

Sorry DH Blush

AliTheMinx · 07/12/2025 19:51

No. I don't think we really ever update each other on timings, where wea are, etc - but we don't communicate well in general!

mynameiscalypso · 07/12/2025 19:53

We usually let each other know if we’re going to be out beyond 11ish so the other can go to bed. He generally messages once he’s on the way home but I confess that I don’t always remember especially once it’s been established that I’m going to be late late.

Bearbookagainandagain · 07/12/2025 19:58

If either is us is out, we often message around bedtime to ask how the evening has been with the kids. Then we tell each other when we're leaving (takes about 20-30 min if were local, but generally we're in London so that's 1-1.5h).

We tend to get home relatively early so if we haven't heard anything around 10-11pm when we go to bed, whoever is home would generally check in. Particularly if we're in London.

But it happens that we don't reply because we're distracted and don't see it.

icantwaitforsummer · 07/12/2025 20:07

No, maybe before I go out I will say I am aiming to to be back by 11 for example. But then once I'm out I focus on my friends.

PollyBell · 07/12/2025 20:17

If i felt a reason to yes but I am a big girl I can look after myself, same with dh we are both adults

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/12/2025 20:20

I'd be a bit pissed off if he's expected home for a meal, doesn't update and doesn't turn up.

With young children, I'd expect him to limit the times he's not ready to do a fair share of parenting in the morning. Or not around to deal with bedtime etc.

Now DS is a teenager we both just get on with it. We're walkable from town, cabs/ubers are easy to come by. I got in about quarter to four this morning. Lovely nap on the sofa this afternoon. I have a night out on that scale about 5 times a year.

5128gap · 07/12/2025 20:20

We tell each other beforehand the plan which will include a rough return time. If things change and we'll be later we message with the new time.

Lju · 07/12/2025 20:26

DP and I are really different about this stuff. When out for a day/night I would text an ETA and update if that was likely to change, he wouldn't. However if I was away for a weekend or a longer trip I basically never checked in whereas he would call me daily or at least a few times during the trip. It's taken years of communication to find the middle ground we're both happy with.

PinkPepperPolka · 07/12/2025 20:31

We generally let each other know roughly what we are doing. If I’m catching a late train I’ll let him know when we depart; he often comes to meet me at the station. He does the same. We can also see each other on Google maps.

Original poster
Candykitten0173 · 07/12/2025 20:58

Lju · 07/12/2025 20:26

DP and I are really different about this stuff. When out for a day/night I would text an ETA and update if that was likely to change, he wouldn't. However if I was away for a weekend or a longer trip I basically never checked in whereas he would call me daily or at least a few times during the trip. It's taken years of communication to find the middle ground we're both happy with.

Very strange but we are pretty much the same on this. I definitely think working on communicating and finding a middle ground is a good idea

OP posts:
ArcticGrass · 07/12/2025 20:59

Only if I’m after a lift. Or staying out much later than might reasonably be expected ….as in not home on the last bus…