Do you update your OH when you are out for the night?

[Candykitten0173]

My DP rarely updates me throughout the night if he is out for the night, we have DC. This means I often have no idea what time he’s coming home and he just rocks up without any pre message to say he’s coming back.

I wouldn’t say I’m angry or anything I just find it bizarre as I am always one to just sent a courtesy text to give an update or say I’m on the way back.

AIBU to think this is unusual behaviour in a relationship with kids? Or are we just different people?

@TheChosenTwo also love this. Maybe I just worry too much.

We normally say when we are on our way home, adult dc do this too. But if someone forgot, I wouldn’t be concerned, I’d just think they were having a good time. I will call if I want to be met at the station/ bus stop, but the guys don’t need to do that. DS usually texts once he’s home if it’s late, so that if I wake up in night I can just look at my phone to find out if he’s made it back safely.

If going to theatre I might text at half time ‘it’s brilliant’ etc if I want to share my excitement - but otherwise nothing until ‘I’m on the 11:30 train, got my key’

DH just gets back when he gets back, as long as he’s quiet, it doesn’t affect me. I seriously can’t remember going out myself as it’s been so many years (special needs child) but I’d bloody love to and wouldn’t be messaging DH if I did!

What is the cause of your worry?

Nope, if I'm out with friends, I'm too busy having a nice time to update him (about what?) and I'm never that late home so I just say 'Bye, see you later' and get home whenever. I don't expect him to tell me when he'll be home either. We're both adults, I don't worry about him when he's out or vice versa.

Look - if you are expecting him for 8pm to help with kids - and he is actually not showing up and comes in after midnight - sure, he should let you know he is not going to be there to do something he was supposed to.

But if he is out in the evening, where you are the one dealing with kids - not sure why it really matters when he actually comes - 10? 11? 12?

He is a grown up - and knows what he needs to do to get himself to work the next day. He is not letting you down by not shouldering his load. He is having a night off. To be it'd be controlling if I was expected to be "updating" my partner on my night out.

I'd qualify it all by saying - it all needs to be in balance. If he is out late all the time and it's affecting what he is able to contribute as a partner at home - I'd be unhappy about that. Not the fact he wasn't texting, but about the split of responsibilities.
Otherwise - I'd say that for me - updates are needed in certain circumstances, not as a usual thing to do.

Some couples do seem to be constantly in touch - with frequent communication during the day and if they are out separately. For me, I'd find it stifling.

Why are you worried? He's an adult.

No, if I'm out, I'm out.

Same for him but he does text on his way home if he's going to the chipper to see if I want anything. (This is done so I don't eat is chips rather than as act of kindness!)

Always, yes. But then I rarely go out in the evening. It's too.... people-y.

I’m an adult who lives with someone and it’s just a simple courtesy to let them know when you expect to be home. It’s not seeking permission to be out. I gave up the “don’t need to report back to anyone” when we decided to move in together and share our lives.

When I’m out with other people, no, unless they’ve nipped to the toilet and he’s messaged to ask me something. I always let him know I’m on the way home though and he does the same. It’s not something either of us would be annoyed about though if the other forgot.

Haha this is brilliant, and understandable.

Yes!
I didn't go out much in my marriage, but always gave an estimate then an update and then an "on way home via.xyz"
I guess partly courtesy in case waiting.up for one another (my dp now does wait up for me and me for him) Might sound soft but even at our age we miss eachother and usually have cuddle on sofa before heading to bed.
My mariage was massively controlling and id be in massive trouble if he didnt know exactly where I was and who with and id also have to get 'signed off as wearing appropriate clothing before i went out" that was weird and a whole other story.
However with my DP we do this ie keep in touch but there is no funniness at all about times.
It's unlikely id be out past 11 anyway..😂 dont know if this makes a difference.
Do whatever is comfy in your own realtionship

Same as this for us.

No and I wouldn't expect him to either

I wouldn't, no. Seems a bit unnecessary to me. You are both adults, you don't need to be in constant touch.

My husband usually lets me know what time he's coming home. He often might text me mid-night-out with some funny story that's happened too! If I'm out, I always let him know what time I'll be home or what time to pick me up.

Literal bare minimum 🤣

I agree. Also if I’m out I don’t have a set time of when I’m leaving (unless I’m relying on a train home.)

I didn't say anything about seeking permission in my post

Sharing your life with someone doesn't mean they need to know all your comings and goings. If I'm out with my friends then I'm not really thinking about DH and don't feel the need to tell him I'm on my way home (or not). We don't have children though, which probably makes a difference.

Surely its common courtesy between partners to do so?!

I'm not talking about a blow by blow account but a message to say "I'll aim for the 10pm train" or "dont stay up, I'll be out all night" is reasonable?

I'll text DH when I'm leaving, as he worries if I'm walking or getting a cab on my own. And he messages me as he knows I simply cannot get to sleep if I'm expecting him to walk through the door at any moment as I simply cant settle.

I'll never understand people who are just not nice and courteous to their partners in this way.

No need to update here. If I’m out he might let me know he’s going to bed and he’s left a key out.
Or one of us will message we’re on our way if it’s earlier.
I don’t expect it though and neither does he.

We both always go out so late that the I’d expect to be asleep when he’s coming home so I wouldn’t want a text that might wake me up!

Not everyone has the same idea of "nice and courteous" as you do, though.

I would find what you describe to be quite claustrophobic.