To ask how you afford to be a SAHM?

[CinnabonRoll]

Myself and my fiancé (marrying in March) have decided I won’t be going back to work after my mat leave for several reasons. It makes sense for us but it’s still incredibly daunting.

Our main reason is having no family support for childcare. His family are in Australia, my dad still works full-time and my mum is a full-time carer for my disabled brother. Our local nursery was involved in a high profile abuse case a few years ago in which a child died from neglect. the nursery went through huge reform I still don’t feel comfortable sending my baby there, especially when we’d be paying £800 a month for the privilege full-time. There’s a nursery a bit further away but that would be a logistical nightmare and involve me having to get a car, which then would add probably an extra £150 a month to our outgoings and further reduces the amount of money we would have left from our salaries.

I did ask for a 2/3 day contract at my work place but they declined. I know there are other part-time jobs but I haven’t found any that would really work as they all involve shifts and doing different days each week, and no way would I pay for a full-time nursery place only to barely send my child. Even an evening job wouldn’t work as fiancé has some weeks he works days and other weeks he works nights. I’ve tried all the supermarkets but they all want at least one day at the weekend, fiancé works weekends.

We considered fiancé leaving his shift job and getting a job with fixed days but this will involve a huge pay cut and having to start at the bottom of the ladder. He’s well established in his current workplace and working towards a promotion and it would be madness to give that up. Whereas my job is only a basic customer service role of less than £27,000 a year.

We’re lucky that we have done the maths and can afford to live of partners income with about £300 left over each month, I know it’s not much but we have a large investment pot if there were to ever be a huge emergency. He’ll have to give up one of his hobbies and the car he was saving up for (and keep our basic 15 year old car) but he’s fine with this. We’ve also considered my lost pension contributions and come to the conclusion that we will save the child benefit into my pension pot. I know some will judge for that and say it should be spent on the child but I will be able to be there every day for my child and essentially dedicating my entire life to them so I think it’s fair enough to use child benefit for my pension. I’m not concerned about isolation or loneliness, I’m high functioning autistic and find maintaining friendships exhausting and just don’t bother. I absolutely love my home but do enjoy social events if it’s for my baby like baby group etc so we do go to those.

We wouldn’t be eligible for any UC as we have over £30,000 locked away in long term investments. We ideally won’t touch that unless the car were to conk out etc, we’d rather just reduce our outgoings. We already have a joint account which DP will put the majority of his income (minus his car insurance, fuel which I don’t get involved with and a small bit of personal money) . I will be doing food shopping, baby shopping etc from the joint account and will also be able to use it for anything I need or play groups etc.

Is there anything we haven’t considered or any advice please? How did it work for others who have done it?

How, if you're married?

It does carry tax benefits though.

I explained in a previous post ☺️

I’ve NC’d for this. We manage with me being a SAHM honestly due to DH’s income, live below our means and in a smaller house. But we have £2500 after bills (apart from we have to buy food from this).

We did it 8 years ago on £2800 a month and a £750 monthly mortgage. By the time I went back to work three years later we had burned through our £10k savings. I did however work on a casual weekend basis. Usually four shifts a month which covered our holidays. This was 8 years ago though so things will gave gone up massively since then . I would consider doing a weekend job or a couple of evening shifts a week too. Look at the £10 a day thread for working from home ideas too. My friend was earning £700 a month moderating online in the evenings while being a SAHM.

It will be very tight and I think you two will need to find a creative way to bring in some extra money to supplement the household budget as well as cutting back spending.

Can you do babysitting as a side hustle? You can then be flexible, only taking on jobs when your husband isn’t working. Round here people pay about £13/hour for adult babysitters who have their own kids (and can get themselves to and from the job). I know someone who does it and they’re always in demand! Usually just watching someone else’s TV and taking home £40/£50 cash at the end of the evening.

Is he on board with this plan? I can hear all of your reasons shining through your post, and the burden of childcare, both emotional and practical, falls disproportionately on mums. What does he get out of it?

Make sure you listen to him, really listen , and that you’re not just hearing what you want to hear. Because on that budget you both need to be onboard and fully committed. How will he feel when there’s a stag he can’t afford to attend, the lads are going to the World Cup, or just drinking after work? Will he start resenting your life?

It’s doable. But only if both of you are fully committed.

I used to be in your position as my husband is a high earner too but then worried about my career, my financial future, my social life. Our husbands could leave for any given reason and I dont ever want to be 'lost' without him.

That’s similar to us, and we couldn’t make it work just in my DH’s income. There is just no margin.

Our boiler went out one month and it was a £450 repair + parts. My youngest DC was diagnosed as lactose intolerant, so buying more expensive specialised formula milk cost an extra unexpected £70 per month. Ditto with nappies, as he had to have a more expensive brand due to nappy rash. When grocery shopping, I had to return items from my trolley at the checkout because it pushed us over budget.

No holidays. No new clothes. No soft play or weekend activities. Not even a takeaway coffee.

After 18 months we decided that it would be better for me to return to work. Then, I was given a really good offer to return to work, so the numbers made much more sense even factoring in full-time nursery.

I wish you all the best OP, but I think you’re going to struggle.

I don't understand why you are even asking the question. You already know what you are going to do so what is the point?

All the SAHM saying they did it for years the economy has been very different in the past to how it is now. My DC are 21 and 22 and the COL has changed so much adding such a lot of pressure to lower income households.

Lol, who makes decisions based on what society needs!

We just made cut backs. We didn't eat out or things like that. All finances joint. Dh.had no opportunity for extra hours. My income would have been less than nursery fees. Then by time I dropped and collected , paid parking we would have been worse off than being a sahm. All money was in 1 account so I'm not saying my earnings covered childcare it was out of the household pot.
I returned working as soon as dc started school.
Then when we had dc2 we did the same. Except I returned earlier working for a relative from home where I can pick and choose my hours and do all school drops and collects , plays etc . After school clubs , all school holidays without having to worry about time off

We could've made it work if we lived more frugally but no way would DH want to cut back on the comfortable lifestyle we had with us both working. Being a sole breadwinner was never an option, he expected me to continue to work and contribute, which I always imagined myself to anyway but part of me would liked to be a sahm for a couple of years. I did go PT for the first 4 years then back to FT when school started which did help. Xx

If you’re only going to be at home for a couple of years I wouldn’t put the child benefit into your pension. You’ll need every penny.

We are older parents so we had all the benefits of a small mortgage, savings and significantly higher earnings than a decade or 2 earlier. We are still pretty frugal, so meal planning, clothes off vinted etc. Nothing exiciting but just watching the pennies.

Could you potentially do a job 1 day of the weekend or the odd evening? Supermarket or similar. That would give you a couple of 100s as a buffer each month. And then it honestly flies by and isnt forever. I got mat leave then my holiday pay which took me over the 1st birthday mark. Then we decided to semd our toddler to a playgroup 2 mornings a week from 2.5 years. So only 18 months. They can speak at that point and theyre getting to the stage that they need to interact with their peers. Then i started a business but you could pick up more hours.

I think it all depends on your DH. Is he the provider mindset sort or is he a 50:/50 guy?

If he has that provider mindset then when times are tough is he willing to pick up another job or more shifts ? Only you know how reliable he is.

If you’re able to make it work don’t send your children to nursery it’s of no benefit and time quickly passes. They should be raised by their loved ones not strangers.

Tried it and hated it for a year. Dh was on 71k at the time with a £700 mortgage and we weren't swimming in money. Dh was always fair with ensuring I had my own personal no questions asked money but we never paid into my pensions.
Decided to return to work 3 days, nursery with funded hours was £150 and we moved to a larger house 1.2k mortgage.
SAHM was hard work and lonely, found myself going crazy in the end.

I afforded it by renting out our spare room on Airbnb, and fate meant I had DC quite late in life so we only had a tiny mortgage. Sold our second car. We cooked from scratch anyway. I got nearly all baby stuff secondhand and resold on Vinted (only the buggy, carrier and carseat were new and the buggy and carrier were both end-of-line going cheap. Buggies don't retain their value so there are lots of good secondhand deals).

We also used terry nappies from The Nappy Lady. I'm still using them now as cleaning cloths instead of kitchen roll. They were great for us. If you go for that the Motherease wraps were worth the extra money.

I know other couples who have managed it on much less than us though. Often living very simply.

My Mum managed it by becoming a registered childminder and looking after two of her friend's kids as well as me. It was nice - they were my friends through primary school. She also did some evening babysitting. We only had basic caravan holidays but I remember them with loads of fondness!

Fwiw, the under-5s weeks at Butlins are incredibly cheap and my DC loves it. Total bargain for a holiday with preschoolers.

I had a routine of cheap/free things to do. One a day. Luckily we're in quite a child friendly area.

I've been a sahm for 8 years. We're fortunate to be in a strong financial position, with DH on a high wage and money in investments. I really enjoy it but we've not had to cut back on holidays or children's activities, and we paid for a preschool once dcs were 2.5 for socialisation and to give me a break. I would have found it more challenging having to entertain dcs on a budget.

They should be raised by their loved ones not strangers.

Dont be silly. They will get to know the nursèry workers. Nursery or childcare does not "raise" children. They provide some hours of childcare. The home environment counts.

I did it in the 2000s. Mortgage for 2 bed terrace house was £525 a month. Weekly food shop £40. That house is now worth well over 500k.

Thank you. Ideally I would be able to get a part time job when fiancé isn’t working and therefore not have to send baby to nursery but it’s impossible with his shift pattern. He works 7am-7pm and then 1 in every 4 weeks is a night shift 7pm-7am. His shifts also fall on weekends. This makes it impossible for me to have an evening or weekend job, as there’s no family the baby can go to on the weekend or when we’re both working in the evenings.

Bank shift care work would be ideal so then I could choose the shifts around my fiancés days off rather than be contracted to certain shifts. Does anybody know of companies that offer this?

Yes that’s right, leaving your child for 8 hours a day, 5 days week with complete strangers isn’t them raising your child. Pray do tell what is it then?

Yes I’m aware, not everyone uses the full hours but plenty do. Bottom line is nurseries are used out of necessity due to the dire socioeconomic situation this country is in and can never be a substitute for care provided by parents, grandparents etc

I don’t begrudge those who send their babies full-time but I do feel like the “30 funded hours” from the government is a bit of a scam tbh, especially when the nurseries just had to increase their fees as a result due to the subsidised hours not covering staff wages.

They made out the 30 funded hours to be of a benefit to parents but I feel like it’s an attempt to get rid of SAHM’s and get every working age adult back into the workforce paying tax. It wouldn’t surprise me if UC start being harsher on mum’s when young children, I believe currently if their child is under 3 then they are not expected to actively look for work, but I’m suspicious that with the 30 funded hours now being a thing that they may push this.

Some countries in Europe enforce companies to provide 3 years of protected maternity pay, that would benefit families much more but not the taxman.

What about starting a child minding business?

That’s another thing I would love in theory but not sure would work in practice. We wanted a manageable mortgage so have a small house, essentially a two-up two-down. Also my fiancé will often be around during the week and the clients would have to be comfortable with that.

I do have childcare experience through being a support worker for SEN kids for a while.