To ask how you afford to be a SAHM?

[CinnabonRoll]

Myself and my fiancé (marrying in March) have decided I won’t be going back to work after my mat leave for several reasons. It makes sense for us but it’s still incredibly daunting.

Our main reason is having no family support for childcare. His family are in Australia, my dad still works full-time and my mum is a full-time carer for my disabled brother. Our local nursery was involved in a high profile abuse case a few years ago in which a child died from neglect. the nursery went through huge reform I still don’t feel comfortable sending my baby there, especially when we’d be paying £800 a month for the privilege full-time. There’s a nursery a bit further away but that would be a logistical nightmare and involve me having to get a car, which then would add probably an extra £150 a month to our outgoings and further reduces the amount of money we would have left from our salaries.

I did ask for a 2/3 day contract at my work place but they declined. I know there are other part-time jobs but I haven’t found any that would really work as they all involve shifts and doing different days each week, and no way would I pay for a full-time nursery place only to barely send my child. Even an evening job wouldn’t work as fiancé has some weeks he works days and other weeks he works nights. I’ve tried all the supermarkets but they all want at least one day at the weekend, fiancé works weekends.

We considered fiancé leaving his shift job and getting a job with fixed days but this will involve a huge pay cut and having to start at the bottom of the ladder. He’s well established in his current workplace and working towards a promotion and it would be madness to give that up. Whereas my job is only a basic customer service role of less than £27,000 a year.

We’re lucky that we have done the maths and can afford to live of partners income with about £300 left over each month, I know it’s not much but we have a large investment pot if there were to ever be a huge emergency. He’ll have to give up one of his hobbies and the car he was saving up for (and keep our basic 15 year old car) but he’s fine with this. We’ve also considered my lost pension contributions and come to the conclusion that we will save the child benefit into my pension pot. I know some will judge for that and say it should be spent on the child but I will be able to be there every day for my child and essentially dedicating my entire life to them so I think it’s fair enough to use child benefit for my pension. I’m not concerned about isolation or loneliness, I’m high functioning autistic and find maintaining friendships exhausting and just don’t bother. I absolutely love my home but do enjoy social events if it’s for my baby like baby group etc so we do go to those.

We wouldn’t be eligible for any UC as we have over £30,000 locked away in long term investments. We ideally won’t touch that unless the car were to conk out etc, we’d rather just reduce our outgoings. We already have a joint account which DP will put the majority of his income (minus his car insurance, fuel which I don’t get involved with and a small bit of personal money) . I will be doing food shopping, baby shopping etc from the joint account and will also be able to use it for anything I need or play groups etc.

Is there anything we haven’t considered or any advice please? How did it work for others who have done it?

That will only benefit working parents on UC or those with disabilities.

You'll probably manage better than you think. You can transfer your unused Personal Allowance to your H to save on tax. You will get your state pension contributions paid as you will be claiming child benefit. You will save naturally as you have more time to shop around, cook from scratch etc. When it's time to return to work, you could look at mat cover roles in the hope you end up with an eventual job share. That's what I did.

You really can’t afford not to work, your incomes are both too low. Look into other childcare options like childminder etc. and think how you can study to improve warning potential in future.

Don't be a SAHM if you're not married. You are essentially providing free childcare and housekeeping for a man who could leave you at any time with nothing. Marry before the baby comes. Many good legal and financial reasons to do so.

The way you write about your income is confusing but it's very likely that if he's taking home net £3k a monthish that's late £40s in annual salary - am I right? In which case you are very likely hovering close to the higher basic tax rate which would disqualify you from sharing your tax allowance (which you can't anyway now as you're housemates and have no legally recognised relationship.)

It also sounds like the kind of job that has in built risks - shift work tends to be demand driven and often physical. What would happen if he lost his job?

If you are a customer service adviser you will be able to find part time work. Even if you do 1 day a week that will keep up your pension contributions and NI. Losing £1.8k ish a month in income plus benefits and pensions is not going to be made up by doing your own childcare, taking your own coffee to soft play and buying on Vinted. It's simply not. There are no thrifty tricks to make up for the loss of a full time income. And what if you need a new boiler? Or new car? Or have a health issue? Or if something happens to your DP's parents in Australia - will you be able to pay for the flight?

Working part time while your children are small is an option that could work best.

(Have been full time working mum/part time working mum /SAHM)

I didn't earn any money for about 2yrs when our child was a toddler. The only way we made it work was by having minimal expenses... We already lived in a small flat with low mortgage payments and didn't have any other huge expenses. Partner didn't earn loads either.

They are not married

You've looked at the financial side of things, but you also need to monitor any effect it has on your relationship. Who will decide when its time for you to return to work, what if he starts feeling resentful about being the only earner, who decides how much you can spend and what on; that sort of thing.

Most people I know who are SAHM are those in poorer areas, also tend to have more kids. People just make it work and adjust their budgets

Nah i wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t earn well enough for it, you aren’t even married yet and you will totally lose any financial autonomy. Look for part time jobs. 800 for full time childcare a month isn’t bad at all and your child will be absolutely fine at nursery. I know it’s horrible when you read horror stories but they really are very rare.

Honestly £300 is nothing. Something unexpected and that’s gone and you’re struggling and dipping into savings. Also do you really want to live counting each and every penny. The financial burden on one person is huge and can cause massive issues and resentment.
Im a sahm but im an older one. I had my long career, saved money, made wise investments all before becoming one.
Living so tightly is just stressful and no fun.
if your child is 1yo then it’s just unecessary that they need to be at home. Plenty of kids are fine in nursery. Can you look for something else at least for a few days a week?

what happens if you have another child? It will be extremely difficult to manage on that.

Long-term investments aren’t liquid, and usually are earmarked for the future, such as retirement.

Dead parents, large inheritance:

I spent a lot whilst being a SAHM to young children, mostly to protect my sanity. Trips out, baby groups, coffees etc all add up quickly.

We have a small mortgage so that helps and savings so if something did crop up like an expensive repair we would be ok.

We don’t penny pinch on things we need eg. food shops, clothes, toiletries but we don’t go on holiday - mainly because of our dog not money but I imagine if we wanted to spend thousands a year on a foreign holiday then we would feel
more restricted in the day to day.

I don’t spend a huge amount on activities for my child. But I’m an introvert so don’t miss the interaction with other adults like other people might. We utilise our garden in the summer and cheaper indoor activities in the winter. Go to parks and on walks. Softplay once a week and baby sensory once a week when DC was a baby. So not spending a fortune on groups.

It’s been the greatest joy of my life being able to be at home with my child, if my marriage went tits up nothing would change the blessing it’s been.

Now they’re at pre-school I’m picking up freelance work to top our savings up, but am still able to be around before and after pre-school and I hope to be able to continue this whilst they’re still young at primary school, even though I’m not realising my full earning potential.

We did it by setting up a life where we only needed one salary and the other was saved, or occasionally spent on fun (holidays) that we could manage without.

We were married for 9 years before DC, and as we progressed in our careers, didn't increase our lifestyle.

I don't think your household income supports being a SAHM and certainly wont give you much scope for days out or joining baby classes. Yes a lot of these can be done cheaper but I would say it's hard if you are an excited first time mum and wanting to go to things like baby sensory or water babies and not being able to afford it. Or even going to a cheap playgroup or library session and then not being able to join mums for lunch.

The ones I know are of two types -

Husband is a high earner or -

Husband is a tradie with his own company so he can pay her for ‘bookeeping’ or ‘secretary’ and they pay her a wage on the lower tax rate. That means they get more money as a family with less tax paid out, she gets her pension credits and they can claim funded childcare if they want it.

Your fiancé doesn’t earn anywhere near enough for you to stay home, sorry but he doesn’t. Have you factored absolutely everything into your sums? Food (including feeding the child as they get bigger), clothes, repairs to house/car, having literally any fun at all? You might have £30k now but you won’t be able to save a single extra penny.
Have a look at childminders or other nurseries, have you factored tax free childcare help and the funded hours in your sums of how much childcare will cost you?

The good news is you have a very cheap mortgage. How many children you hoping to have? Seems like a tight budget.

Saying it again for those at the back: thrifting, camping holidays, cooking from scratch and buying from Facebook groups do not compensate for the loss of a near £2k a month net income.

And no, it is not acceptable to just let other taxpayers subsidise your pension contributions and child benefit.

Absolutely not on that salary.

What do you have to lose? If finances change you can get a part time job perhaps. Being a SAHM if you choose it is very rewarding and allows a pace of life where you can be more frugal, such as scratch cooking etc... No luxuries, old car etc.. but honestly those things mean nothing. What's the point of paying a stranger to look after your child and spend your whole life working like crazy to pay the fees.

I’m afraid as much as it looks fine mathematically on paper, he’s a low earner and I think you will in reality find it very difficult indeed for 3 of you to live on his one low wage. Your life will be constant juggling, and every time something goes wrong in the house, or with the car, or costs go up, you will be stressed.

there is stress associated with being a low income family, and I think your thought of saving the child benefit into your pension is wishful thinking, as you will likely need that money, children are expensive, surprisingly so.

🙄

I loved being a SAHM for 8 years. The network of good friends I built is very strong, all also SAHM at that time and none of us with family nearby. We are all now back in work, with excellent friendships that our children benefit from enormously. What we have is special and precious to us and we don’t take it for granted. There are sacrifices to being a sahp unless v wealthy. We didn’t go abroad on holidays, or buy luxuries, eat out etc. clothes were mostly second hand.

Wdym subsidising? She will receive the money, what's it got to do with you how she spends or saves it!!