To ask how you afford to be a SAHM?

[CinnabonRoll]

Myself and my fiancé (marrying in March) have decided I won’t be going back to work after my mat leave for several reasons. It makes sense for us but it’s still incredibly daunting.

Our main reason is having no family support for childcare. His family are in Australia, my dad still works full-time and my mum is a full-time carer for my disabled brother. Our local nursery was involved in a high profile abuse case a few years ago in which a child died from neglect. the nursery went through huge reform I still don’t feel comfortable sending my baby there, especially when we’d be paying £800 a month for the privilege full-time. There’s a nursery a bit further away but that would be a logistical nightmare and involve me having to get a car, which then would add probably an extra £150 a month to our outgoings and further reduces the amount of money we would have left from our salaries.

I did ask for a 2/3 day contract at my work place but they declined. I know there are other part-time jobs but I haven’t found any that would really work as they all involve shifts and doing different days each week, and no way would I pay for a full-time nursery place only to barely send my child. Even an evening job wouldn’t work as fiancé has some weeks he works days and other weeks he works nights. I’ve tried all the supermarkets but they all want at least one day at the weekend, fiancé works weekends.

We considered fiancé leaving his shift job and getting a job with fixed days but this will involve a huge pay cut and having to start at the bottom of the ladder. He’s well established in his current workplace and working towards a promotion and it would be madness to give that up. Whereas my job is only a basic customer service role of less than £27,000 a year.

We’re lucky that we have done the maths and can afford to live of partners income with about £300 left over each month, I know it’s not much but we have a large investment pot if there were to ever be a huge emergency. He’ll have to give up one of his hobbies and the car he was saving up for (and keep our basic 15 year old car) but he’s fine with this. We’ve also considered my lost pension contributions and come to the conclusion that we will save the child benefit into my pension pot. I know some will judge for that and say it should be spent on the child but I will be able to be there every day for my child and essentially dedicating my entire life to them so I think it’s fair enough to use child benefit for my pension. I’m not concerned about isolation or loneliness, I’m high functioning autistic and find maintaining friendships exhausting and just don’t bother. I absolutely love my home but do enjoy social events if it’s for my baby like baby group etc so we do go to those.

We wouldn’t be eligible for any UC as we have over £30,000 locked away in long term investments. We ideally won’t touch that unless the car were to conk out etc, we’d rather just reduce our outgoings. We already have a joint account which DP will put the majority of his income (minus his car insurance, fuel which I don’t get involved with and a small bit of personal money) . I will be doing food shopping, baby shopping etc from the joint account and will also be able to use it for anything I need or play groups etc.

Is there anything we haven’t considered or any advice please? How did it work for others who have done it?

It will only be for a few years, you won’t get that back with your children.

I’ve been lucky, I have stepped down from a day time management role to over night team leader. Twice a week. We are lucky that we do have family to help. So the day after I work nights she goes to my or his mum. The weekend one he isn’t working. I’ve took a 50% wage cut but get paid decent as it’s over night. It was the only way we could afford it.

I did two 12 hour care shifts, one at the weekend when dh looked after dc and one day with a childminder. If you're on the bank at a hospital you can pick shifts you can do i think.

I’ve been a SAHM for just under a year but DP is a high earner, we have savings and are mortgage free. A £30k buffer sounds great but how accessible is it, and how long are you planning to be a SAHM? It might not last as long as you think.

Sorry but I think you'd be mad to try to manage on this especially with col rising. I would look for a part time job elsewhere after mat leave. The current job market is dire but you are best placed to find something else whilst still employed.

Hi OP

Would it work applying for a job where your husband works and asking them to do alternate shifts?

The bit that's missing from your OP I think is the impact on your relationship. How will you feel not financially contributing (directly, I know that saving £££ on child care is equivalent). How will your husband feel with the pressure of being the sole earner? How will your access to money work, how will spending on big purchases work? Who makes financial decisions? Will you have free and equal access to family money? Quite a lot of relationships on here seem to run into trouble when only one earns and then they feel that they contribute more, so they get final say in financial matters, they give the stay at home parent an allowance with no room to buy extras but spend freely on themselves if they have any spare. You don't want to be in a situation where you have to ask permission for a splurge when the other person doesn't. There are loads of other families where it works perfectly fine and the others contribution is fully recognised by each person and money is shared but its worth working through exactly how this will work in practice, in advance

I'm a sahm and have been for many years we have 4 DC.

We shop in charity shops/vinted for everything except underwear. Even things like skincare I get brand new on vinted!

We have annual membership to national trust so "free" days out. Obviously it's not free but we are not paying each time. Always take drinks and snacks with us.

Christmas is on a budget we used to say £50 per DC but now they are older its £100. Again lots from vinted.

We buy lots of reduced food and freeze it. Slow cooker and air fryer are used lots!

Holidays are visiting family in the UK.

Re childcare mine are older now but isn't there a certain number of hours free from 9 months now?

I think it'll be a struggle.
There's very little leeway for anything gong wrong with your house, car etc based on the monthly income.
You have 30k to fall back on, which is great but are you both happy to come out of the sahm period with those gone ( which may happen).

Erm, based on your partners take home, sounds very tight.

Things we dont do;
Have a car on finance
Have more than one channel subscription at a time (Netflix etc)
Have expensive holidays (Sun 9.50 tokens!)
Eat take aways apart from birthdays/anniversaries
Eat out much
Personally I have no beauty treatments, hair cut every 10 weeks.

Things we do do;
Meal plan - and buy meat in large quantities from butcher to save money
Buy foods in bulk- large spices pots, pasta and rice etc
Get quite excited about yellow sticker finds!
We use our log burner more than heating and always put on more jumpers!
Dry clothes on hangers not tumbler
I diarise renewal dates for insurance etc and compare these rigorously
Got an annual pass to a small zoo which gives us days out (uses Xmas money)

I do teach a couple of exercise classes each week which brings in some pin money - i use this for treats for me and DD.

It takes work but it is possible.

SAHM hear. We live a modest lifestyle, husband isn't on a huge wage under 30k a year. We live in a smaller house, no garden, 10 year old car owned outright. We walk the school run in all weathers, didn't have a holiday last year, but had days out, clothes from Primark ect, shop at Aldi mostly.

However my children are not deprived at all. We have our needs met, they have there hobbies, days out, a warm home, toys, we can do activities on the weekends, ect. They dont see themselves as any different from there school friends.

Yes big expenses are a struggle, for example my kitchen could do with replacing, my bathtub is chipped, but we make do with it for now, or will just replace tje bathtub not the whole bathroom, for example, or we are looking into just changing the kitchen doors fronts. Decorating we do ourselves if possible. Or our roof was leaking last year, we had to extend our mortgage, but it was something that couldn't be saved up for.

But for us its a choice we made as a family, one child with additional needs, she dose get DLA. my husband works unsociable hours ect. We make it work.

What about becoming a childminder yourself to supplement the finances?

My husband signed over half his business to me when I quit my job to be a SAHM. I don’t think would have done it without some form of career protection.

That doesn’t make any sense, it’s basically a marital asset anyway and brings in the same amount of money whom ever owns it.

Depending on where you are, it's not always necessary to spend a lot on protecting your sanity. Library rhymetimes are free, some baby & toddler groups are minimal cost and some just ask for donations. We had a rota for hosting coffee meet-ups at home, which knocks out that cost, and in the summer you can meet in the park with a picnic.
Some of the baby groups cost a lot compared to others, and soft play can be kept for an occasional treat.

You’d be leaving yourself and your child extremely vulnerable doing this. There are no guarantees that your fiancé will remain well enough to support you and the longer you are out of the workplace the further down the ladder you will fall.

Plenty of us have raised children without family support. Make sure you are prepared for all eventualities.

It's a useful way to have two personal allowances and avoid the cap on earnings for chikd benefit though. If PP wants to believe it was done to protect her, let her have it.

Why dont you try to live like that now and see how it feels? That's the only way to know really.
Everyone's outgoings are different so its a hard one to day really.
I did all sorts of weird shifts when my kids were little and even had 4 month break to see if we could make it work - we couldn't.
I know jobs are much harder to come by now but I did 9pm - 1am 3 days a week when they were little at a supermarket, I didn't like it so chose to go back into full time work but im sure some people would have loved it.

Just be careful of the log burner v heating, I’ve a friend doing this also due to lack of money and she smells of damp, but more concerningly so does her baby. I think the clothes don’t dry fast enough, and rhe house is cold, which gives condensation on the air, it’s really worrying wirh a young child in the house. I was holding the baby and could smell the damp fusty smell off her. And there is nothing you can say either. 🥲

Because I was paid dividends, I didn’t have a gap in my employment (I am a business owner), no gap in my pension payments.

I walked back into employment after 7 years with no problems.

I stayed at home until they were 6&8, it was tight especially at first but with careful spending, batch cooking, second hand items, and one older car we managed. When I went back i worked school hours so only had childcare costs in the holidays

I appreciate the passive aggressive patronising.

It did protect me.

I don’t think I’d do it with a £300 buffer. You say your mortgage is low, but if rates went up you’d be vulnerable. A few years ago we couldn’t have predicted how much more expensive everything has gotten now.

Also if DP gets sick, has an accident, it’s a big risk being the only earner. £30k is a good nest egg, but how long would that last you if you had to use it?

I decided to be a SAHM when my son was 2. I had tried part time for a year but it wasn’t for me. My partner has always earned a high wage and we had a few properties that we rented out so that topped up our income so we were very comfortable. In your circumstances, I wouldn’t consider it.

Apart from society losing another woman from the workforce, this places you in a vulnerable position financially.

I was not a stay at home mum and had no intention to be one. My kids have now left home and we are incredibly close. We had no family support and had to rely on nurseries. My husband and I were equally involved in childcare, nappy changes, school runs and domestic chores. No regrets.

Think very carefully before you make this big decision.

OP, would you consider being a child minder? It would mean you were available for your own children but you would potentially be able to earn a little money too?