To not accept this was an accident

[Chesnutty]

Dh is always doing something that imo is ridiculous and normally leads to trouble. Examples include allowing toddler dc in the teenage playground/gym equipment after I asked him not to as it was too big for dc and a few minutes later dc broke their arm on a

dropping stuff on my feet all the time but because he doesn’t want to do two trips from the fridge or whatever so carries too much and drops it. All the time.

anyway today I was standing next to dh and getting something out the boot, I went to straighten up and before I could he slammed the boot straight into my shoulder. He says it’s an accident but I don’t know how he can view it that way. I’m right next to him. Haven’t moved and he shut the boot on my shoulder. Maybe I’m just absolutely fuming still but aibu to say it’s not an accident when you can avoid it. He could have waited for me to shut the boot he wasn’t even in it, could have waited for me to move. I was lucky as our eldest was there and their head was just shorter than my shoulder so it hit me before dc. Hurts so much as well.

I slammed the boot on my 5yr old's head once, very hard. Obviously an accident and I was terrified but fortunately she was fine. So it could be an accident but sounds like there are wider issues.

I don’t know.
That’s why I’ve said she should speak to him about it.

Because this is her husband we’re talking about. Not yours.

The way he reacts after these accidents is what would give me cause for concern. One can be clumsy and acknowledge it and still be able to check if the injured person is ok. Reminds me of my ds when he 6 or 7 - everything was ‘it’s not my fault, I didn’t do it, it was an accident’ Thankfully he is now 11 and takes accountability more than your dh does by the sound of it

I know he's not doing it on purpose but I would find it appallingly stressful living with a man like this. I'd be constantly on edge.

Is he caring in other ways and a good husband OP?

I do find it extremely stressful, since the broken arm incident I’ve felt like I can’t leave him because I know he’d be in charge of dc if I wasn’t there and I don’t trust him, he does other things weirdly, drives towards pedestrians and refuses to stop the car completely, insists on rolling the car slowly towards them at crossings because ‘why should I stop the car they’re moving in a minute’ I don’t know if I’m wrong but things like this piss me off because the pedestrians always hesitate because the cars still moving and it takes longer than if he’d just stop the car (which I do) makes me die inside.

I’ll look into the dyspraxia thing a bit more as some things ring true but maybe if he apologised and acted appropriately if the dc or me get hurt I’d feel a bit less angry about the whole situation and more like maybe it’s not his fault.

I feel like a mug every day tbh. Feels like having a permanent extra dc to sort out. Thanks for the advice. Even if I abu I feel better just not simply screaming internally.

That rolling the car towards pedestrians is just dickish. No excuse for that.

I think it’s more than dickish. He’s arrogant, contemptuous, bullying, threatening and dangerous.

Ok, he’s either dangerously aggressive or has some extreme phobia about stalling the car.

none of this is okay

Shutting the boot on someone's head is NOT an accident, it is deliberate.

Not seeing that a child is seriously hurt and is in pain is NOT an accident and is also deliberate.

These are only two examples of his behaviour. His actions are putting your child and yourself in danger. He could have killed you by closing the boot. Can you not see all this is very dangerous and escalating?

His attitude is another red flag: Not taking any responsibility and blaming others.

Please take action to protect your child, you and other people.

He is a dangerous driver and should give up driving. He will kill someone soon.
This is another red flag.

Yikes. Your update makes your husband's behaviour alarming. This is someone who doesn't care about anyone else or the consequences. If you don't get out of his way, tough on you.
Contrary to my last post, your children need to never be left alone with him. He's a safeguarding risk.

OP I don’t think you have answered whether he hurts himself too? If not, then I would be very worried that there is unconscious and possibly dangerous stuff going on. If he does injure himself, then yes- I was thinking dispraxia. But I would definitely have a serious talk with him one way or another.

He sounds like me when I was young. Chronically careless. In his own little world and so busy doing things his own way / at his own convenience that he isn’t thinking of the collateral damage.

He needs to feel the consequences, that’s the only thing that will make him change.
I don’t mean to punish or shame him, that will cause bad feeling.

Try stepping back, hand over more responsibility and never ever ‘save’ the situation if it’s going to go pear shaped. Was it he who took your child to the hospital and all further appointments when he broke his arm? I hope so.

Eventually being careless will become so inconvenient / embarrassing / stressful he will have to make more effort and take more care.

Just read your updates. How old is this man? He’s acting like an impatient and impetuous child.
To be honest, if it was me this would be ultimatum time. Either he makes a sustained effort to be less self-centred and careless or the relationship isn’t going to work out.

This update makes me think these “accidents” are definitely deliberate.
Especially when he is more concerned about the narrative being accident rather than asking how you are feeling or apologising

Taking your young child into a teenage area of the park is also deliberate. What did he think was going to happen?

I would be logging these “accidents” and your mistrust of him being in charge of dc and all the incidents that you can remember at the doctors

If you do decide to leave and protect yourself and dc then he might get supervised visits and not be left alone with dc

Has anyone ever stood on the zebra crossing infront of the car and waited for him to stop. What happens if the person doesn’t cross in time

I would be telling him you can’t do anything because of your shoulder so he now has to make dinner, drive you to A&E, wait for you there, feeding the metre each hour.

Until he learns that all this time saving actually wastes his time and money he will keep on doing it.

I agree. His refusal to take any responsibility is chilling.
See the GP.
You need to tell someone.
He is injuring his family and takes no responsibility.
This is red flag and dangerous territory.
Stop trying to convince yourself that this is normal.
Its not.

Your updates are incredibly worrying.

Are you scared of your husband?

The more you've said, OP, the worse it sounds.
He's inconsiderate and arrogant (driving toward people). He doesn't take any responsibility for injuring people and doesn't seem to care if he has (the incident with both you and the broken arm).
I'm not sure that being with him is safe for you or your children.

This man is a psycopath and should be in Broadmoor. He is not safe to be in the general community.

Do not belittle his actions they are not immature and due to ND they are highly dangerous and are likely to kill in the near future. Protect us all from his decisions. He has no empathy at all and will seriously injure or kill someone soon.

Do you really want his actions on your conscience due to your inaction?

This. Sounds like he has a serious personality disorder. He has no empathy. He is dangerous.
Log all of it with the GP. You need all that evidence because he is not fit to have charge of children.

What can the gp do? Not trying to be an arsehole but what can the gp actually do? Only the op can change the situation.

Note I don’t believe this myself but the examples given can be explained away quite easily

• didn’t realise son was seriously hurt hence didn’t seek medical attention (lots of parents have done same)
• didn’t realise wife hadn’t moved when I closed car boot
• sometimes things get dropped, maybe suffer with coordination
• rolling the car towards pedestrians - haven’t broken any laws

Not saying I agree with any of the above but the H could easily and manipulatively explain them all away.

Has anyone ever confronted him about his behaviour? For example, how do you think a pedestrian putting their hands on the bonnet and giving him a mouthful would cause him to react?

it sounds like he’s on a bit of a power trip tbh and I think you need to list down (for yourself) although the times he has done something that has led to injury of either you or the kids

He sounds bloody annoying and stupid. The example you gave of not stopping for pedestrians - really bad.

The other day there was a cyclist turning right and stopped in the middle of the road to do so. I slowed right down to undertake as am paranoid about avoiding cyclists, and behind me some twat in a massive vehicle beeped me and then proceeded to drive v near me.

Your husband sounds like that driver.