To not accept this was an accident

[Chesnutty]

Dh is always doing something that imo is ridiculous and normally leads to trouble. Examples include allowing toddler dc in the teenage playground/gym equipment after I asked him not to as it was too big for dc and a few minutes later dc broke their arm on a

dropping stuff on my feet all the time but because he doesn’t want to do two trips from the fridge or whatever so carries too much and drops it. All the time.

anyway today I was standing next to dh and getting something out the boot, I went to straighten up and before I could he slammed the boot straight into my shoulder. He says it’s an accident but I don’t know how he can view it that way. I’m right next to him. Haven’t moved and he shut the boot on my shoulder. Maybe I’m just absolutely fuming still but aibu to say it’s not an accident when you can avoid it. He could have waited for me to shut the boot he wasn’t even in it, could have waited for me to move. I was lucky as our eldest was there and their head was just shorter than my shoulder so it hit me before dc. Hurts so much as well.

Urgh this would massively give me the ick. I had an ex like this. Like a small child. Immediately going to "it wasn't my fault" rather than apologising and checking you're ok. Cares more about defending himself than whether he's hurt you.

Both DP and I are quite clumsy and could feasibily do something daft like this to one another but our reaction would be "omg I'm so sorry, are you ok?" not "it's not my fault if was an accident".

He's not being U to accidentally injure you doing something a bit daft because accidents do happen but I would be absolutely fuming about his reaction and I would tell him so.

He knows he's prone to doing it, it continues to happen and he's says it's an accident therefore not his fault.
If he's not changing his behaviour it's now deliberate, imo.

There are only two ways to deal with this:

• trust him as much as you would a stranger and don’t be in a situation where he could hurt you or the kids with his accidents
• if he’s sick or hurt himself, just ignore him and let him fend for himself.

What’s he like when you’re ill or in pain?

I hate when people claim "it was an accident!" as if to absolve themselves of responsibility. He may not have deliberately hurt you but by continuing to act before thinking he is causing harm to you and DC. If he didn't start work on this and start taking responsibility for his decisions I'd be making alternative plans.

It isn't deliberate, but it isn't accident in that "very hard to avoid" sense.

I'd say it is negligence. And negligence totally can be his fault.

I think it's a case of mind being elsewhere and being careless or just rushing.
My other half used to be like this, brain about 10 steps ahead and already onto the next task. So subconscious risk assessment doesn't happen, and incidents do happen.
You need to train your children to not rely on dad for safety planning!

His behaviour led to your toddler breaking an arm and he wasn't full of regret and remorse? He may not be doing it on purpose but if he doesn't really give a fuck that his very small child was seriously injured on his watch, he is not suitable husband and father material.

His reaction to his own carelessness and fuckwittedness is to absolve himself of blame rather than apologising profusely and making sure that it didn't happen again. He sounds absolutely horrible tbh.

He really didn't give a shit that he broke his toddler's arm! The fact that he didn't do it on purpose doesn't absolve him from being a terrible and uncaring father.

He doesn't care enough about his wife and children to try and avoid these sorts of accidents so he isn't a safe person for OP or her children to live with.

Do you think… that makes it ok to let your toddler break an arm and then not take them to hospital? To slam the boot on your wife? It doesn’t matter if the op could be a better communicator, she and their child are being physically hurt. You shouldn’t need to find the right sufficiently eloquent words to persuade a man that he’s responsible for not hurting others and ensuring his little child is safe.

What the fuck? Do you think newborns need to train their parents not to drop them too?

Why? He’s clearly dyspraxic!

I’m dyspraxic and care about people, but I’d still probably do this a second time.

Does being dyspraxic also absolve him from ever apologising and being upset and remorseful that his carelessness led to his toddler being seriously injured?

No but having dyspraxia as a child where you will be continually punished for things you can’t help, can affect people differently as adults.

A poster on here has written that they tell their children there’s no such thing as an accident only carelessness. Imagine being dyspraxic and having parents with that attitude?

OP, I think the problem here is that your husband is terrified of owning up to his mistakes. You need to talk this through with him and emphasise the point that accidents do happen but his reaction to them are what upsets you. That you expect him to apologise, take responsibility and try to rectify the situation.

It might not be intentional but it is his fault and he knows it or he wouldn’t be so defensive? Is there some sort of therapy or training he can do in taking more care, even basic accident prevention and first aid to make him more aware?
Also, how is his driving - ought he to be on the road?

I had a similar situation and worked it through with him. He acted as though ‘sorry’ was for when you did something on purpose, rather than accidents. I pointed out that just wasn’t true, that it’s for mistakes, or times other people are hurt or sad even when it’s noting to do with you. That it would be appalling if he had trodden on someone’s toe on purpose, and sorry wouldn’t even be appropriate then!
He eased up a bit and started being a bit freer with the apologies! It was a really productive conversation. He still needed to be coached into more appropriate responses but it was a start.

It sounds like an accident, in that it was not deliberate. But that doesn't mean he wasn't at fault. He should reasonably have taken care and didn't. If you sued him he would be liable (!). As opposed to the type of accident which is just one of those things that can't be helped.

Does he apologise?

Because even if it IS an accident, the reality is that it was still his fault. He might not have done it on purpose, but he did do it.

I tell my chilren all the time - if I cause a major car accident, even though I did i tby accident, I'm still going to have to take responsibility for whatever happens as a result.

NOTHING is more annoying than the child like, "but I didn't mean to" as an excuse to not take responsibility or accountability.

Does this happen at work? As in, does he do careless things that lead to breakages or injury? While less scope, even an office job has doors and stairs and things!

because I always find it strange that people manage to behave themselves in front of others

Yes, but, knowing that he's clumsy, my son takes extra care not to hurt other people.

That's the difference I'm talking about - not how clumsy you are, but how you deal with that and how it impacts other people.

Injuring other people because you can't be bothered to take a moment isn't acceptable - accidentally sometimes, perhaps, but a caring person would be very apologetic, and would be much more careful next time. My son would be horrified if he shut the boot on my head. He wouldn't brush injuring me accidentally off as though it was nothing.

It's hard to say. My ex seemed to completely destroy a lot of things by "accident", but they were only ever my things (especially favourite, irreplaceable things). He'd also never take steps to mitigate these "accidents", like using his own plates or buying cheap ones from Sainsburys (he'd rather break my expensive ones that are no longer made). It took me almost a decade to realise that it's not actually possible to be as accident prone as this with only one person's belongings.

It sounds like your DH is immensley impatient, thoughtless and a man child (not taking action when he"s caused an accident, like your toddler breaking their arm). I'd actually take this seriously, and if he doesn't start to change, consider leaving. I'd start with a conversation with him, saying his impatience is hurting everyone in the family, and he needs to change. He needs to take a moment to think about consequences and alter his actions accordingly. And when an accident does happen, he needs to take respomsibility, own up, apologise and do whatever else is necessary (like taking a child to a hospital). If he can't do this on his own, he needs to seek an experience therapist to teach him life and coping skills.

Sounds like he might be dyspraxic.

But you'd be sorry about it though? Kicking yourself for not taking more care? Unlike OP's DH

That he's not apologised means he's a bit of a prick tbh.

Terrified? Or just doesn't want to?

I assure you in my ex's case he wasn't terrified, he just didn't want the blame/responsibility and would minimise at every step (unless it was my mistake). And yes, he also took care of his things, but ruined mine regularly.