To not accept this was an accident

[Chesnutty]

Dh is always doing something that imo is ridiculous and normally leads to trouble. Examples include allowing toddler dc in the teenage playground/gym equipment after I asked him not to as it was too big for dc and a few minutes later dc broke their arm on a

dropping stuff on my feet all the time but because he doesn’t want to do two trips from the fridge or whatever so carries too much and drops it. All the time.

anyway today I was standing next to dh and getting something out the boot, I went to straighten up and before I could he slammed the boot straight into my shoulder. He says it’s an accident but I don’t know how he can view it that way. I’m right next to him. Haven’t moved and he shut the boot on my shoulder. Maybe I’m just absolutely fuming still but aibu to say it’s not an accident when you can avoid it. He could have waited for me to shut the boot he wasn’t even in it, could have waited for me to move. I was lucky as our eldest was there and their head was just shorter than my shoulder so it hit me before dc. Hurts so much as well.

It's not. It's negligence.

I think it's just carelessness. DH shut my hand in the kitchen drawer once. He just hadn't twigged that I was getting a fork out.

I've got adhd and i'm the same 🙈🙈

I think it really was an accident but he needs to sort something as he cant go on being so careless, he needs to be taking care of his family xx

Sorry this made me laugh!

Op I think if it were not an accident, there would be other pretty massive signs in your relationship. It would be a very violent thing to do on purpose.

But there’s also a different between accident and “reasonably foreseeable outcome”.

I might get into a car accident because I make a mistake while driving, but if I set off driving with my eyes closed it’s a reasonably foreseeable outcome that I’d crash into something. The end point is the same - an unintended car crash, but one garners much more sympathy than the other.

DH is prone to doing things that have an undesirable reasonably foreseeable outcome. He has to deal with the natural consequences and I might remind him
that his decisions caused it. Those consequences might include me being grumpy with him as he unintentionally hurt me, or him cleaning up something he dropped when carrying too much, or me not get involved in helping clean up if he is insisting in doing it in a way that will result in things getting dropped or broken.

For the most part we bumble along just fine, I remind him if he’s doing something with a reasonably foreseeable “bad” outcome, he knows saying sorry isn’t good enough if something isn’t truly an accident, it’s just a foreseeable outcome of careless behaviour.

Make a complete list of all these incidents along with approximate dates over the years with who was hurt/involved and there will be a pattern. You need to report all these "incidents" to the police: He is a very dangerous individual. They are NOT accidents they are totally deliberate to see what he can get away with. Think of a human child hurting a bird, cat, dog or hamster deliberately - that is what he is doing. He has a personality defect. It is amusement to him although he appears apologetic.

In my 44 years on this planet I have never been hit by a boot lid.

Why on earth are the posters on this thread constantly hitting themselves and other people with boot lids?

Seems ridiculous and careless to me. I bet you’re the same people who open your car doors into other cars too.

I can be a bit clumsy, I've never shut a car boot on anyone though even though I'm partially sighted and can't actually see if anyone is standing there.

A side note, really, but there was a thread on here a few days ago where the OP’s husband had been violent to her autistic son. Several posters there were positively desperate to diagnose the husband with neurodiversity. I pointed out how fascinating it is how quick people are to pathologise the bad behaviour/shortcomings of men (as opposed to women). Intriguing that it’s happened here, too. OP is the one who’s hurt, but the primary urge for some seems to be to diagnose her husband with dyspraxia. I’m not saying he doesn’t have it any more than I’m saying he does. I just think it’s interesting how quickly these threads take the off ramp to discussions about the welfare of the man involved.

A friend of mines husband slammed the boot on her head. She got a really prolonged concussion that lasted for like a year and she couldn’t work etc.
She did believe it was a genuine accident but she just couldn’t accept it. They’ve divorced.
Honestly, we all understood it. Just so fucking careless.

I've slamed the boot on my own head before, it definitely can be an accident. Do you really believe it wasn't an accident? If it wasn't it is pretty significant physical abuse and you need to leave.

Honestly, I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose but he has no care about him and I felt these things wouldn’t happen if he just took some care which is why it feels like it was on purpose.
If he hurts someone else he usually suddenly starts saying it was an accident it couldn’t be helped. I’ve calmed down a bit now but he doesn’t say, are you alright he just says it’s an accident it’s not my fault sort of thing. When dc broke their arm he first told them to continue playing (I wasn’t there I just told him not to let dc play on the ‘big’ equipment)
then he phoned me saying something had happened and I drove dc to a&e. No way dc would have seen someone if left with him. It’s just hard and im finding it all overwhelming today. Have a lovely bruise now.

It was either an accident or it was deliberate. Do you think he deliberately tried to harm you?

He sounds clumsy. Maybe he has a problem with spacial awareness.

You need to talk to him about this. Just because it was an accident doesn’t make it ok and his dismissive attitude suggests he won’t try on future.

You’re right to be fuming and frustrated with him - he’s a liability and a risk to your kids and you! He needs to really take a look at his ways before he does something terrible. But it doesn’t sound deliberate, so I voted YABU given your question was about the deliberateness

You say he didn’t do it on purpose, so by definition it was an accident if you define an accident as something unintentional or not deliberate (pretty much the usual definition). So YABU not to accept that.

If you’re asking if he should take more care, yes he should.
If you’re asking if it’s his fault, yes it is. An accident can be a person’s fault even if it’s not a deliberate action.
It’s also not okay that he doesn’t take responsibility for what happens.
YANBU there.

I’m another one wondering does he often hurt himself in these accidents? Some people are clumsier than others, less coordinated, lacking in spatial awareness. If that’s the case with him he needs to slow down and try and develop strategies to deal with it though. It’s not okay that people around him are frequently getting hurt, even if it’s not deliberate.

unintentional injury still needs apologies and sincere regret!! I think you should sit him down tell him he needs to be less fucking accidental and take some ownership because next time he hurts his dc you might accidentally run him over only unlike him you’re well aware that you’re responsible for accidental injury and you can still get a jail sentence for homicide when it’s an accident, so you are willling to go to marriage counselling with him to have him explain to the counsellor why he is neither regretful or apologetic for hurting you. Marriage counselling is needed here for you to not start hating him, and with good reason. You can’t stay in a relationship with a man you don’t trust either with your safety or your child’s, social services won’t care that ‘it was an accident’.

It doesn’t matter if it’s clumsy, and it’s not just that anyway- it’s truly careless letting his young child play somewhere that’s dangerous, and that’s not about clumsy. what kind of clumsy man doesn’t apologise sincerely when he’s hurt his own partner and his own young child anyway? Only the shit dad and shit partner type.

He neglected your toddler and it led to a serious accident. Left to him he wouldn't have got him seen to, which if the bone healed, could have led to serious consequences. At the least if another neglect incident took place and a xray was needed, SS alarm bells would ring, because of the untreated previous fracture. This is not giving a shit about other people. Unless he went to SN school and can't function. I have two children who couldn't go to mainstream school, have dyspraxia etc and they wouldn't behave like this. The excuses need to stop. If something happens to you, your toddler is in danger.

Jesus. I have so many questions, but the first one is, are you OK? I wonder if this isn't abusive tbh. Even neglect is abuse and harming others only to go into defense instead of...I dunno, CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR, smack of a sort passive aggressive, plausible deniability thing

Is it a "slam the boot down yourself " typw of car or press the button and the boot closes itself? If the first he must have seen you there.

Posts like this make think the OP has communication issues in their relationship but seek validation here instead of fixing them.

If he hurts someone else he usually suddenly starts saying it was an accident it couldn’t be helped. I’ve calmed down a bit now but he doesn’t say, are you alright he just says it’s an accident it’s not my fault sort of thing He may not have done it intentionally, but it’s still his fault. He still needs to apologise and make it clear that he regrets it happened. It being an accident doesn’t absolve him of the need to say sorry.

Whether it’s because he has some kind of dyspraxia that also prevents him from properly assessing danger levels, or he’s just a useless dickhead, he needs to be doing something about it. So that’s making a GP appointment to discuss his symptoms, or making himself stop when he’s about to carry an armload of stuff he’s likely to drop, or listening to you when you warn him about a danger he can’t see.

Does he understand what the consequences are for his behaviour if it carries on? That you sound like you’re reaching the end of your tether with him? That you can’t trust him to care for your children without him being supervised? That it’s only a matter of time until you’re thinking of him as another child who needs to be watched at all times? How can your marriage continue like that?

Was he like this while you were both dating or is this something that developed after marriage? Personally I couldn't put up with it as I care about my safety and even more so of my children.

Sounds like he's very clumsy/ poor spatial awareness?? He should obviously apologize but if he didn't do it on purpose, it's an accident?