Would you tolerate DP spending £7k on World Cup trip?

[Rigaboni]

DP declared he is travelling to the World Cup and will be staying in Boston for 10 nights, to watch two games. He will miss DDs 2nd birthday. It will cost £4k for flights and hotels, perhaps around £2k spending money and maybe around £1k for tickets.

We have separate finances, I earn a bit more. We pay a percentage of our salary in to a joint account to cover joint bills.

How would you feel about this?

YABU = it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can always earn more money
YANBU = I wouldn’t tolerate him treating himself to a £7k solo holiday

YABU - he's not your husband. You have no say over how he spends his money.

The one thing I would query is the cost estimate. I think 10 days in Boston will be £3 - 4000 alone, then multiplied by the world cup premium.

Oh, hell no. He sounds extremely unwise, immature, and decidedly selfish. Separate finances doesn’t mean he can spend his on the fun stuff and expect you to up your contributions to (or go without) the necessary/family stuff. Has he at least offered to hold the fort while you take a similar break?

The problem is that he doesn’t have the money

Massively selfish. If you had thousands in savings and he was choosing to spend his that way which wouldn't impact your family life and holidays, well that's one thing but getting into debt I just couldn't reconcile that

Assuming you're Scottish (I'm guessing so, by the fact that all the Scottish people I know who like football are currently desperately trying to get tickets) I think YABU, assuming he can afford it and won't be depriving you as a family. DD is 2, you can throw her a mummy and daddy birthday day when he's home and she won't know any different and will be just as happy, and he can do what will probably realistically be a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

You can celebrate the 2nd birthday early/late DD won’t know! But I wouldn’t be pleased if my dh was willing to get £1000s into debt for this, seperate finances or not! Also using up a good chunk of his AL where does that leave you? Stuck at home solo parenting with no family holiday in the near future? And him unable to save/contribute to household expenditure for home improvements! No, I wouldn’t be happy at all! Spain is more realistic and at 5 yrs away he could make it a goal to save for & not pay interest on credit cards etc

ETA didn’t realise it was Scotland so taking a risk they might not qualify again for a long time! I’m a Scot & we are all very excited but still wouldn’t be happy! Tickets are starting at £700 + for cheapest!

In this case no, it's not okay.

For some people it would be okay - say if you have both joint and separate savings, didn't particularly need anything big (like home renovation) any time soon and he'd already saved up the money - and of course he would be equally fine doing solo parent duties for ten days if you wanted your own solo holiday.

In your case, given he's getting into several years worth of debt and unilaterally cancelling agreed join plans to replace the carpet and preventing family holidays happening for not just one but more than one year then no - he is unreasonable, clearly.

I'd be absolutely fine with it. I'd support him in saving for it.
Your daughter won't remember her second birthday. Your partner will remember this for the rest of his life.

It’s absolutely once in a lifetime. I’m presuming it’s Scotland too as it’s Boston. We haven’t qualified in 28 years. I’d be raging if I wasn’t going and he was mind you.

There are very many true fans, but only a tiny proportion will have the funds and availability to attend. He is in the majority that can’t realistically afford it.
Personally his attitude is worse than the amount of money he plans to spend.
You are both working so unless he is a complete waste of space I assume he takes on at least some childcare, drop offs, collections, etc.
Can you physically do them all and still meet your work obligations?
Even if you can he is planning to use at least 10 days leave just for himself. Most parents need to keep some leave in reserve for when the child is ill and can’t attend childcare. If he runs out of leave due to this trip you could end up spending more of yours looking after an ill child.

I think it's a great idea for individuals to have their own finances if you are both working

It isn’t Boston - Foxborough is a town 1hr outside Boston.

it frustrates me in terms of how it is portrayed like an airport that isn’t in the city!

That's a pretty big statement as to where you are on his list of priorities.

Thank you - I won’t be going as I refuse to spend a cent in current America but it’s certainly been saying Boston in all the press here! Sounds a bit like a Ryanair flight 😀

Yep. He sounds profligate and unreliable. Making a family means sometimes you don’t get to do what you want. If he wants to act like a single man then he should have stayed single. Very stressful for the OP having to co-parent with someone like this, I fear.

I wouldn’t mind if we/ he could afford it. Id be pleased for him. If as you say he’s sticking it on a credit card and that would mean you will be paying for stuff in the future as he’s got no money we might have to have a bit of a heated discussion 😅 I’m still a bit torn though because these are events that you look back as you get older and are glad you did it, he won’t remember new carpets but he will remember this and perhaps that you enabled him to go. I dunno.. it’s difficult.

He can’t afford it on his salary and this trip impacts the family finances so he is being a selfish dick

I wouldn’t be happy about him racking up debt for it or the impact on the family finances whilst he pays that debt back.

Missing the Birthday wouldn’t bother me as that’s his loss.

Why are they like this? What goes through their heads? What a fucking idiot. Judging by your posts, he is not a single man with a high paying job. He has responsibility - a house to upkeep, bills to pay, a child to support on a quite frankly shitty salary of £38k. And he wants to spend a fifth of that (before tax!!!!) on a two week trip for himself only? What a selfish prick. I’d be massively pissed off. Bet he guilt trips you ‘it’s my money’ and ‘I’m allowed a life’ - yes but within reason, that’s just beyond a joke. I am fuming for you, OP. He does not earn enough money to warrant that trip unless he has his own savings to pay for it and using those savings will not negatively affect the family income/budget.

This sounds like a no win situation.

op, be prepared for this to be the argument that comes up again and again.

either you will be the one simmering in resentment or he will be the one simmering depending on whether he goes or not.

I would not be happy given the finances and the cavalier attitude to debt. He can't afford it and the family will lose out. That's a huge amount of money to put on a credit card with no clear plan of how to pay it back.

It would be very different if he had the funds. I would not mind him missing dd's birthday or holding the fort as it's not like he's away for months. But the money .. the mind boggles.

It does appear to be a once in a lifetime opportunity (or at least a once in a century), but that’s still a ludicrous amount of money. Is there any compromise here? Going to one game instead of 2? Staying suuuuper cheaply and being away as little as possible? The birthday wouldn’t phase me - my husband works away and has missed a handful of birthdays and I just make an extra fuss over the kids. But putting several grand on a credit card and prioritising this over a family holiday would bother me for sure.

It really depends on what he’s like outside of this. DH goes every WC and I’m ok with it but that’s because he pulls his weight in every other department of our lives, works hard and doesn’t hesitated to spend on the children to meet their needs/our needs. I also have access to his money whenever I need it. Despite being football mad he wouldn’t spend regularly on matches or away matches etc

DH wouldn’t miss birthday of his child.

Have a good hard think about what other aspects of your marriage family life look like. If he’s genuinely good one and has his priorities straight then I wouldn’t kick off about WC because it’s a once every four years. It’s not just a regular event and the memories they create stay with them forever.

I’d say I can’t make you do anything, but we will be going on family holidays without you for the next couple of years, as I’m not cancelling them because you’ve spent your share nor am I subsidising you, you’ve decided your priorities. If you are going to get mad at us going on holiday without you instead of being supportive and doing housework while we are gone, knowing I’ve cared for our daughter and celebrated her birthday while you’re away, then you need to leave now, and go find somewhere else to live. This is on you and I won’t put up with any sulks or mood. We won’t be able to get the garden done or other things we planned, so if this ever happens again I will be rethinking our marriage. If we aren’t a priority then I don’t want to be in this, your daughter and I deserve to only live with people who prioritise us.

Yep and it really irritates me because I can just imagine a whole load of fans turning up and realising they need to get an hour long train to get to the stadium!

The stadium is of the New England Patriots and New England Revolution so is very much New England rather than Boston

its that which worries me that the infrastructure isn’t there to cope with fans coming in from Boston because of course it isn’t how it would work for Patriots/Revolution who would very much come from all around the area and not just Boston!