Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

You shouldn't have snapped, you need to be able to cope with a bit of joshing and if it’s really too much just say so politely, “I’m beginning to feel upset, please can we move on now?” That sort of thing.
Better yet just be less uptight in the first place. She wasn’t going to spill food in your car, you would have felt uncomfortable for a few minutes and then it would have been over whereas now you’ll be dealing with fallout from this for a very long time.

I knew as soon as I started reading the extremely long OP that the car was going to be a Range Rover.

So much drama and weirdness on both sides.

So OP should change her entire personality because Suzie can’t fucking organise herself around her diet?

Can I shit in your kitchen? It’s fine, I’ll clean after myself and leave me the keys and I’ll lock up after. Come on now…

@Dartmoorcheffy "Good god. She's a grown woman, surely she would have eaten without making any mess. You sound ridiculously uptight. Ill bet they won't want to go out with you again. You'll be lucky if they even speak to you in the office."

It's the OP's brand new car. If she doesn't want people eating in it that's her perogative and, you know, not actually her colleague's. And don't you think it was just a teeny bit weird for a "grown woman" to produce a packed lunch in the back of the car when (to all intents and purposes) she was joining everyone for lunch. Surely to christ she could have found a salad or something on the menu. There was apparently no problem with her eating beforehand at her desk either. Nope, that's just plain weird behaviour.

Thank you.

I don’t think they were deliberately testing me in all fairness.

I think they just don’t see mess and dirt like I do. I’m the only one out of all them who doesn’t have kids. When I talk about my house, cleanliness they laugh and say “what til you have kids that will go out the window” and refer to the mess their kids make, and say they just get use to it.

I should have taken a leaf out of your book to be honest and just had not gone. I didn’t want to go in all honestly, with the stress from work.

At which point you should have said 'Emma is fine for you to eat her car, aren't you Emma?'

What drew you to that conclusion immediately?

Lunchbox woman!!!😂
I am in awe of your assertiveness, OP, you are a legend! 😅
I have no doubt whatsoever that if lunchbox lady had been allowed to scoff her diet food in your car, she would have something small at the restaurant as well. Performative antics on her part-well done for sticking to your guns!

What on earth type of diet is she on that she couldn’t have found something to eat at the restaurant? What was in her lunchbox?

Agree, it was performative.

My car is 13 years old and generally not clean. Still rarely let people eat in there. Also food is not allowed upstairs in my house.

I have enough to do without having to clean up extra places because people can’t be civilised.

YANBU

“Hi everyone, just to say sorry I left the restaurant at lunch the other day, I was under a lot of pressure in the office and my horror at crumbs got the better of me.

My car remains my castle, but I do appreciate that you all wanted to celebrate my birthday.

Sorry again, and hope we can have a good week “

I don't think you're unreasonable. My cars not brand new but when I've cleaned and hoovered it out and the DGC eat in it and leave crumbs and wrappers, it does piss me off

“I’m beginning to feel upset, please can we move on now?”

Sounds a bit wet that tbh

This all feels very american and I have no idea why. But op, good on you. You stood up for yourself

And going to a restaurant but wanting to eat a pack up in the car beforehand is just weird

I appreciate the time you took to give me advice but if I said “my car remains my castle” I’d hear about that for years to come

YANBU @Nevs. Not a fucking chance I’d leave someone else with the keys to the car. I looked it up. That’s one hell of an expensive car! If I owned it no one would be allowed to eat in it, or fart, or have dirty shoes, or sneeze, or be sweaty, or wear strong fragrances or bring glitter into it. I’d probably put a tarp or a dog seat cover down or a pet pee pad and tell them to sit on that. Jane was being an absolute cheeky cunt. Fuck her.

I honestly think that they had a “prank” planned. Did Jane really have food in the lunchbox or was it glitter? A packet of breadcrumbs or flour? Something to fuck up the clean interior and be a nightmare to clean up. Who the fuck asks a work colleague to leave their keys to their brand new mega expensive car with them? No one sane and sensible. Jane was probably going to stay behind, “eat”, pull the prank, then lock up and go inside. Cue the excitement of waiting for your reaction on returning to the car.

Good on you for speaking up and leaving the lunch.

😂 I can assure you we’re all on UK soil

@StewkeyBlue has given you an excellent outline so change that bit to sometimes acceptable.

Perfectly handled in my opinion. Shove your lunchbox up your arse, Jane!

(but do it in Emma's car, thanks)

Good heavens - I don’t think shitting in the kitchen and eating in the car are in any way comparable!
I actually think OP had the right to say no eating in the car - it’s her car, her rules - but she should have been more polite. Also, becoming less uptight would be doing herself a favour, but you’re probably right, it might not be possible.

You sound horrendously uptight. That stood out most to me from your post. Not sure why a group of adults are keeping a tradition like this going when clearly you don't like each other much. What's wrong with a cake in the office?

Would you rather sound a bit wet or come across as completely unhinged?

You’re both weird and I’m glad I don’t work in your office of weirdos.